Young Writers Society

Oh man I am so rusty at the poetry reviewing thing.

I love your final stanza, even as the biologist in me quibbles about dendrites not actually moving. But it works so well as an image.

I just wish I could say the same of the others. You have the seeds of great imagery, and I like your approach to the subject (and can definitely relate to the feeling you seem to be trying to evoke), but it just doesn't work as well in the first two stanzas as it does in the last.

The first stanza is the roughest, and not in a good way. "Rush of consciousness confounds / thrrob of rusted-shut-Sunday-morning mind." reads like a jumble of verbs without direction, which I suppose works thematically, but it makes for a very confused start that feels like a mistake, as if you're missing some key punctuation or conjugation or article. I would probably like the initial image a lot more if the verbiage were a slightly bit more spaced out.

The emphasis of "three" at the end of the first stanza was quite nice though, and I liked the image of "caterwaul fever fingertips / frozen while translating dark to daylight", though that "hortatory" sticks out like a sore thumb painted red. The rest of the language in this is more accessible and common (since most people have at least heard of a synapse), and then suddenly an obscure word leaps out and befuddles. I actually had to look the word up to be sure of it's meaning, and I think that the more common "urgent" or "exhorting" would be better choices.

It looks like you were aiming for contrasts, but the caterwaul/hortatory contrast is just too distant a one to be made in so short a space.

That last stanza though. It's almost strong enough to stand on its own.

Hi Karzkin,
Nice idea you got going here.
The tone of the poem was serious but it was kinda funny which is good. "283 kilometres since you left me burning" and "Now the dendrite moves slowly towards the synpase" LOL.
Needless to say, I liked it. I don't understand what it's about which is a minus but I liked reading it, the mixture of words and the style of writing was really nice.

Now, The only problem I had was the format.
The way its written is really quite random and disorganized. It makes it harder to read. Maybe its not you that wrote it this way? Sometimes the format gets mixed up during the publishing process. You should look into this.
" Rush of consciousness confounds
throb of rusted-shut-Sunday-morning-mind.
Three days, 283 kilometers since you left me burning..."

The other glaring problem was the vagueness, I'm done reading it, I liked it but I still have no idea what it's about. Maybe give us some writer background or unravelling of what you are trying to convey.

I look forward to reading your work.
-Swavvy.

Hi Karzkin my name is jessiebear and I am going to do a short review on your work. Okay I hope what I say is help full to you. If it is not help full and it is rood pleas tell me so I do not do it any more.

Okay what I liked about the poem.
It was very relaxing to read. The title was very interesting to. That was what made me come and read your poem so well don. I did not see any spelling mistakes as well so that is a very good start

Now what needs to be fixt in the poem.
It is only one thing.
First of all there was one line that needed a full stop and it was this line (Rush of consciousness confounds)

That is all that needs to be fixt in this poem so that is very good.
I hope you will let me no when you have posted another poem so I can review it for you. I hope you will never stop weighting, and keep up with the good work and keep weighting fantastic poems, paragraphs and story's. And I hope you have a good day are night ether one.

From jessiebear.