Dragon

Hey, Karzy!

This is a brilliant piece. The point of view, the story, the slight grief and oh God, the rhyme. They all blend in so seamlessly. This is almost perfect but whilst reading through it again and again, I couldn't help but find a few uncertainties that concerned me. There's a lot going for this piece and the first impressions are tremendously positive, no doubt. But it's only when I really get into the piece and analyze each line more closely that I find a few chinks.

The opening stanza is a very cool introduction to the piece. As much as I re-read this stanza, however, I wonder what your third line means. What does 'the flood' here, refer to? I first thought it was the flood of blood that the metaphorical dragon was shedding off its opponents or off its own. I could well be wrong though. The drama of it just rushes in along with the first stanza so that made me curious enough to ask. I'm not a fan of using repetitive words for use in rhyme. The first and third lines in this stanza both have 'night' in them. Perhaps use an alternate line like, My mind was lost; out of sight. It's not the best example, but something along those lines would do good. But you needed to mention the flood in there since it feels integral to the stanza. Even if the flood part was removed, it would still read well.

I like how in the second stanza you've used 'twain' instead of 'two' for it rhyme with the last line. That's the kind of play with words I'd like to look for and not the 'night'-'night' kind. And half rhymes are win, yo.

As the poem progresses, I feel like the narrator is actually talking to the Princess or that he's got some sort of crush on her. But it's only towards the end when you actually do mention the princess is that I realize you were speaking to someone else. Or maybe you were speaking to the princess all this while and then suddenly shifted to speaking to your audience. If so, I would have liked to see a differentiation to show this. I know that you've implemented a different rhyme scheme for the last two stanzas to show this (at least I think so) but it would look a lot more convincing and impacting to have maybe those last two stanzas italicized. It's clever how you've changed the rhyme scheme though and it's how I actually figured out you were changing your tone. (Again, my assumption of all this could be horribly wrong, but oh well.)

I then realize that the dragon is just doing its job in holding the princess captive until a prince actually does come to save her. The dragon has no interest in her whatsoever. It's characteristic of the typical fairy tale dragon that's keeping the princesses locked up everywhere, but here, I felt there needed to be more to bring about this character's personality. It sounds like this dragon is doing something he isn't too crazy about doing but does it anyway as if it's his job. It's as if his life has no point at all in the story but just to wait and do this tedious task. I've got this connection and sympathy for the dragon now, but then it seems to all go to waste because his motives and his purpose are less than special to anyone mentioned in the poem. Unless you made it that way on purpose. Mind you, this is just a thought I felt like sharing and by no means should this rambling hinder the prospect of this piece being as good as it is.

I love this piece. It's the kind of poetry I can find myself reading and liking. Pieces like these are few and far between. I like your take on this plot and the whole idea of it. I'd love to read more of you. And yes, I've come to this poem a year too late, but nevertheless, I couldn't keep myself from not having reviewed such a great poem no matter how old. You've got mad skills. Keep the ink flowing.

Murtuza

This is the exact type and kind of poetry I enjoy reading! Nice structure, amazing rythm and flow and non-forced-rhymes that makes the poem so delightful to read! Very good! I do agree on you changing the rhyme scheme a bit sudden, but personally I didn't loose the flow there so I wouldn't put too much nose into it Overall... I thought this was quite amazing, great imagery, nice content overall so.. ehm. Yeh, this is the kind of things I really enjoy reading! Also, for being a first post it's quite impressive too!

I'll give it 4 and half out of 5 icky, sticky spiders!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Thank you all for reading my humble offering, and for taking the time to critique it However, Alzora, I feel I must make few retorts:

1.I know what you mean about "Oh once her mere presence was so soothing." It is a little stilted. However, I think the 'so' must stay, as it describes the degree of soothing caused by the princess' presence. Perhaps if it read "She sits like a wax work dummy, unmoving - / her mere presence was once so soothing." ?

2.The 'dragon' is an allegory representing a person (myself, of course), so don't take the 'dragon-esque' qualities (such as scales and knight-slaying) too literally.

3. Losing face means to do something that causes you shame or causes you to lose the respect of others. Does this clear up the second line?

But again, thank you for your advice, it's most helpful

This would probably go in 'narrative poetry' since it tells a story, but it's not a big deal.

Karzkin wrote:I lost a lot of blood that night,
I lost a lot of face.
I lost my mind in the flood that night.
I had no saving grace.

If I could lift a dozen problems,
And crack them clean in twain. I think you should take out the 'and', it seems unnecessary.
I’d never again have a facial spasm, 'Problems' and 'spasm' don't rhyme, so you'll need to change this. You have a set scheme set, and this interferes with that.
And never an aching brain.

I wonder if you’ll read this,
I wonder if you care. I like these two lines!
I will soon forget this,
Soon, I’ll have grey hair.You repeat 'soon' right away, a bit redundant...

Does my honesty offend you?
Does the truth make you sweat?
I’m not sorry if I hurt you,
But it's not my aim to cause a fret. This line seems too long, it breaks the flow. You could take out the 'but' I guess, or simply "But my aim is not to cause a fret'.

Perhaps one day I’ll meet my match,
A person who knows what to say. Eh, try "someone" instead of 'a person'.
But until then, the rhymes I’ll catch,
And the knights I will slay. A bit difficult to read, no?

The princess will wait in her tower of thought,
As day after day the king’s men are fought,
She’s like a wax work dummy, unmoving,
Oh, once her mere presence was so soothing. Love the imagery in this stanza! This last line though, seems a bit long or something. I'd take out the 'so'.

I’ll sit right here on my pile of gold,
Until my scales are moldy and old, Suddenly you change the rhyme scheme...not good. Fix up the rhyming in this stanza, and you should be good to go!
Or perhaps until the prince, finally,
Decides to come and put an end to me. Nice!

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This is my first post here, so I'm sorry if I've put this in the wrong section. What do you all think?

I really like the imagery you used here. I like the flow of the poem. Very creative.

Everything I wanted to say has already been said, so yay!

Keep up the awesome work! You have a lot of potential

~H.

I wonder if you’ll read this,
I wonder if you care.

Soon, I’ll have grey hair.

This is a kind of weird way to say, 'get old'. Try to think of another, more poetic way to say it? If nothing fits, don't change it

Does my honesty offend you?

But its not my aim to make you fret.

But until then the rhymes I’ll catch,
And the knights I will slay.

As day after day the king’s men are fought.

Oh, once her mere presence was (no "so" here, ok?) soothing.

Decides to come and put an end to me.

Nice last line

I lost a lot of face.

Soon, I’ll have grey hair.

I wonder if you’ll read this,
I wonder if you care.

Does my honesty offend you?

Decides to come and put an end to me.