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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello there Karzkin! Dogs here with your review today. On a side note, you're my 350th review! yaayyyy! So I shall be sure to make this a good one
. Ok on to ze review. Okey dokey, I think this is such a new and never touched upon topic that it's so exciting to read. Furthermore your rhythm is excellent, your imagery superb, and your word choice most the time extraordinary. Certainly the best piece of this is your imagery, which you use to create such a powerful picture that it's incredibly clear for the reader to follow. Also, you even are able to get all this wonderful writing jammed into a short and sweet poem that doesn't, for an instance, lose the readers attention.
Magpie definitely stole my thunder and napped all the points I was going to talk about, but I think I'll be able to throw on my nit pick hat and find something to poke at.
"Winter settles down, palms stretched tight across the sky;"
I think this would sound better grammatically and flow wise if you say: "Winter settles down, palms stretched tightly across the sky" I know minor minor nit pick, but hey this piece is so good I gotta really go searching.
"wrap themselves around the wrist of morning"
Great line, such a great line. Definitely one of my favorites in this piece. Excellent writing there my friend. The next line is my favorite though, but this one ranks up there.
"grass untouched by sunlight"
I think there is a more exciting word you could use instead of "untouched" here. Just to spice things up. "grass concealed from sunlight" or veiled, or shroud, or masked, or something along those lines. It is a line that could go in either direction so do what you will.
Great ending, way to bring this to a strong closing statement that leaves the reader with a "dang... that's pretty darn good." All and all I think this is a great piece, I loved reading it and the imagery was just excellent. It reads so incredibly smoothly that it would be hard not to love it! Let me know if you ever need a review, keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Hi there.
First and foremost, this poem is beautiful.
That one just about struck me dead with the beauty of it.
That being said, there are a few things I'd like to suggest for this poem.
I think this line would run more smoothly if you said "blue-grey Brindabellas" instead of the awkward "from my vantage."
You have a lot of colors in this poem. That's fine, but by this point in the poem, it's getting old. You have two adjectives describing the frost, and "untouched by sunlight" is a phrase that functions as an adjective. Lots and lots of adjectives. We need to remove some. We should start by removing the colors. Now you've got "Shadows of eucalypt hide crisp frost on grass untouched by sunlight," which is still showing and not telling. I strongly recommend that you take out the colors there.
WOW. this is quite a mouthful. Also, it doesn't seem like something thunder would say. I like the word "reverberation" because it's got lots of dark sounds in it like "rev" and "erb." Thunder has a lot of Rs and Bs in it. I think you should use more words with those sounds in them to illustrate what you're trying to say. Also, "distant mountains" feels a little redundant. I don't know if it is, or even if you should change it, but it feels that way to me.
Altogether, you did a lovely job. I hope that this review was helpful. Happy poeting!
This is really beautiful. I love the last lines a lot. The quotes did kind of confuse me though, is it something you made? Or an actual quote? Either way, it all flow together really nicely and I loved reading it. Super short and sweet.
Google it
I love the imagery used here. I feel like I am right there, among the Brindabella's, even though I've never heard of this place until now. My favorite line(s):
Rose-pink and powder-blue
wrap themselves around the wrist of the morning.
It just struck me as particularly beautiful. And I love how you used Thunder kind of like a person...
Wonderful!
~McKenna
This was beautiful! I really enjoyed the flow and word choice. The ending with what the thunder said to you was interesting. In a good way, don't worry. I must congratulate you on the fact that you had a note at the bottom explaining what the Brindabellas are. It was nice to see that you wanted to help your readers fully understand, instead of hiding behind a wall of mystery and pretention as many writers tend to do. Also, the fact that you mentioned these trees look blue from a distance added to the beauty and overall awe of the poem. One thing that I would like to mention is that I think some more mechanics could be useful. For instance, in the ending lines with the quote from thunder, I think it would help if you added a comma to make it easier to read.
"'Prison and palace and reverberation
Of thunder, of spring over distant mountains'"
Another place where a comma would suffice is here.
"Shadows of eucalypt hide crisp, white frost on brown"
Honestly, this is just personal preference. I don't think it really takes all that much away if you leave the comma out.
Overall, great job! The imagery was very nice; almost magical. Keep writing! Bravo.
Thanks. I'll think about the comma after crisp. The thunder quote has to stay as it is though, because it's a direct quote. Google it
LOOK HOW FREAKIN' GORGEOUS THIS GUY'S STUFF IS.
woo.
c:
Thanks to Persy for all her help refining it.