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139,610 Literary Works • 672,620 Reviews
Hey K,
I don't know much about tarots, but I thought this was about such, and the reviews below seem to confirm it. The poem seems to discuss the progression of thoughts of suicide, which has a double tie-in to the title. When someone is dead, they are in a quality of not remembering, but it also suggests a sort of regretful tone, which would be fitting if you're to receive a bad fortune/prophecy, you'll want to regret remembering.
Upon googling some of these, these are the meanings that I've picked up, I'm going to quote them to you, because the more I googled these things, the more I realized that different sources have *slightly* different meanings, so this was what I found to be relevant to the poem:
i.
I'm going to agree with Mesh in that it's not my favorite section/could be developed/explored more. Your poetry in general is so rich, rich, rich with content -- layers of intellectual, emotional meaning that is depicted crisply. You're great at form, I think that's your strength, and I think that's the strength of this piece in general. Your weakness then is in the sensuous, and that's the most apparent weakness in this stanza. This section opens us up to the conflict but it doesn't really root us here. It's akin to the fact that it is raining, as opposed to the sensation of being rained upon.
ii.
Also agree with Mesh. This is the strongest stanza, strongest because it has a scene and sensual elements. The sounds in this are delicious, by the way! Just what I expect from you. And the tie-in/meaning of the four swords with the content of this stanza leaves me chilled. Also find it ironic and rather unnerving that it is the only card that is upright, as if to say this is the only element that makes sense. Quite bloodcurdling, actually.
iii.
The cool thing about this section is that upon a first reading, when we're not quite aware of what it all means, and we're just reading it to read it -- it sort of comes up quite unexpectedly, even despite several foreshadowing elements. I thought that was sort of neat. This is the emotional tug/conclusion of the poem for me.
The spacing of the lines to me seems to go back to this whole tarot thing -- there's a lot of emphasis on movement with these three cards, and I imagine a table where these cards are being shifted, shuffled around, spinned and flipped over -- it's kind of neat to imagine how life decisions seem to alter our course in similar ways.
Lovely.
~ as always, Audy
So, here are some quick thoughts up front. I understand that to you, you researched carefully the meanings of the tarot cards to match the meanings of the stanzas with the cards, but I'm the kind of reader who likes to bring what I know when I read a poem, and not have to go look up references to heighten my emotion. If you are set on making every single reader of your poem already know tarot cards or go look them up, then ignore my complaints on this part. And note that I'm reviewing your poem as someone who doesn't know what the cards mean aside from the physical words in the titles.
First thing I could think of was to lose the "the" before clouds. I also wonder if you'd like to move "to live" one linespace closer to "only" and "that", so it would be easier to slip into a reading of "should I give only to live that I love you", which I slipped into and it was nice.
As for the meat. Is there a character behind this poem? When I first read it through, I was really disconnected because the images did not connect. Hardwood floors don't connect with Las Vegas knives in my world. Then I inserted a character and some emotion blossomed: I could see someone sitting in their hardwood apartment and thinking of the cars moving past in lines on the street below, the people with knives in their pockets, and the fear of stepping outside. And that brought this poem into reality for me.
If that's what you'd like to do more effectively, I'd suggest referencing a "he" to get the reader outside of their head -- or something physical about the person like a shadow in the cracks of the hardwood floor. Physical enough to make it specifically not us. And I'd say you could do that in a re-worked first stanza. I think the "invented new fears", whether or not it's meant to hearken to something deeper and serious, comes off as completely trite and flat. Work it softer and realer, the way of the floors and the las vegas sun on the blacktop.
Hopefully this was helpful.
Thanks for the read!
Hi, Kaz! Ok, so I finally have a bit of time and brainpower to attempt this.
And thanks for giving me a poem that was totally NOT EASY to break back into reviewing with! Geez, I can just hear the rusty edges as they squeak together, here.
And... I'm not sure if I'm getting too caught up in the abstract, and trying to weasel meaning where there should be none, or is none, or should be and I'm just missing it. Ok, so I went to my good friend Google (my inner librarian is torn between cheering and cringing at this admission). So, Tarot. Ok.
Nitpick - should "vignette" be plural?
Final section feels just off to my ear rhythmically (beginning with "only that"), though I have to note that I tend to not know what to do with your formatting of the lines. The more abstract the formatting, usually the more trouble I have. So, while I can appreciate what you're doing, I also can't offer much in the way of critique.
I love the second stanza of section ii. That, I think, is the real crux of the poem - or, at least my trouble with it. Your words themselves are lovely, but I'm left feeling almost empty, and I'm not positive that's what I should been taking away from this. I mean, that pair of lines I absolutely love, but it's how it's surrounded that leaves this impression of emptiness.Which, I suppose, could be your entire point.
"Invented new fears" is both lovely and trite, and while I rather enjoy having both elements present, I'm also just not quite sure about it, because it's not exactly explored - at least not how I would expect. You can definitely infer different forms of fears from the following sections, and really the entire third section is about fear, but they're far more loosely connected then I would expect, or what I see as a binding narrative. Instead, the sections are connected by virtue of their titles, possibly a set of poems potentially connected, but that don't quite work for me as a set. Well, at least in this last reading I did. It's also possible that part of my trouble with the connection is my real lack of knowledge about Tarot. Guh, I mean, the fear element is traced throughout, especially with the section titles (if I'm reading them correctly), but still not quite what I would expect. Then again, if I read this as a Tarot reading, the various elements can appear very loosely connected at best on every surface level.
Ok. So. Overall, I love your words on their own. I'm left unsettled about this, possibly because I need more time to chew on it - so, I may come back from work today with another review
Mesh
I adore this. It's so strange for me, because usually I would rip such an abstract work in half, but it was done correctly. I love the presentation of tarot cards followed by the lucid, dreamy description. This is a sensational, magical piece-- Quite possibly the best I've seen so far in my time here with YWS. Beautiful. I have no complaints. Don't ever stop writing.
You're on the level.
Merry Meet ^.^
hello there!
I must admit this came across as quite confusing the first time I read it but after the second time I understood it more clearly and really enjoyed it!
I think your style of writing is very bold and clever as it is a way of being different and captivating the reader's attention!
Also between the headings I love the your choice of words and metaphors, especially "Fold your hands into mine like a letter not lost in the post" I thought was amazing!
In order to improve I would work on the headings as I still don't fully understand what they mean or how they relate to the poem? In addition try to expand on the topic and the message you are trying to put across, this will make it easier to understand!
On the other hand if you created a confusing atmosphere deliberately then I think that is very clever of you as I know that confusing your audience can sometimes lead to good benefits. However I still think you need to explain this a bit more or you might loose your reader's interest.
Overall I look forward to reading more of your work as I found this poem really interesting!
Hope this helps,
Keep writing!
*~Annapurna~*
I must admit, this is very confusing to me. I didn't really enjoy it, but maybe it's just because it's not my style. I've decided to read more of your work and see how I feel about it! I still encourage you to continue writing, putting your work out there in the first place is awesome, and props to you! As always, good luck to you and your writing.