The last time I really cried

i would take out the velvet. or if not take it out, i would move it somewhere else. i think it interrupts the beat, you know, muffles it, and i'd like to play right through from where you pick it up, to where it clinks on the glass, rattles with the pills, and continues on the rib cage. if anything, muffle it all at the end with the velvet. did she ever take a hand and try to stop your twitching? did she cover you with the velvet curtain? was it her? or someone else?

this is maybe not a real review, but it's want i want to say in response.

this is really nice. you establish a mood in the first stanza and then give it contextual meat in the second. i've always been fond of that kind of poetry. as a piece of writing, the second stanza seems a lot more fluid in comparison to the first - i think the line breaks in the first are kind of clunked up. clunky, whatever. the impression of a line is usually taken from its last word (where the eye ends, pauses), and the second stanza definitely does a lot better in establishing threads of ideas that fit together in each line.

your imagery is great, and i definitely get that kind of zero kama human bones music vibe in the piece of dialogue. it's gritty and relevant and not over the top, which poetry can risk being when talking describing deterioration. someone below said (or implied) poetry needs to be more abstract to be poetry - i disagree and i think poetry about concrete ideas fares really well too. you're consistent and you've used this metaphor - the drumming - throughout and with it linked musing and narrative and i think it's done really well.

This was really interesting, mate. Like said below already, the shifting of PoV in the second stanza really adds more meat to this piece.


I like poems who give room for self-reflection through what I like to call; planned vagueness. Instead of reading what it is that you want to say exactly, I read and consume as I go through my own references, memories and feelings and apply them onto the text -- this piece of art did just that for me.

The flow was great, the choice of words conveyed a lot of imagery and the emotional charge of the language made this a very solid poem.

Keep writing, my friend!

Hello

Well first I would like to apologize for the two blanks that I accidentally submitted here, because I hit the submit button early. But as for my review, I don't think there was anything about this poem that I didn't like. It had a beautiful potency and I think anyone who reads this poem will be really knocked out by how intimate and truthful it is. I think that Dreamwalker really took the words out of my mouth, and even helped me understand my own thoughts even further: The division between the thoughts of the first stanza and the thoughts of the second make this all the more marvelous and your word choice is nothing less than perfect here. Usually when I review I like to tell people something that they can improve on but here I find absolutely nothing.

Keep up the great work!
-Alex

This poem is a really stunning piece, Karz.

There's a certain fluidity to both stanza's that stand out well on their own. The brash clever wordplay of the first which makes a very clearcut comparison without really wasting too much time on unnecessary details, and the second which feels meatier. A little heavier than the first, playing on stronger themes and a much more extensive comparison that layers a few different levels of emotion rather than a direct parallel between. And I can respect both, especially when paired.

What I find interesting, though, is that you direct the poem as very self-aware in the beginning. You level out on your own (or the narrator's own) understanding of yourself/oneself, and then take it in an opposite direction by bringing in a second person. The immediate I to the opposing you. The 'you noticed the small things when the big problems are staring you blankly in the face and you can't see it', which is sort of interesting as well.

But mostly, I like how this show's a certain closeness of character. As if the narrator is not merely reaching out through the poem itself (by the open-booked nature of the first stanza), but dialogue as well. Giving a glimpse into the very reason and yet retracting by making it secondary. Telling a story instead of stating the substance blankly.

I find that very interesting. Beguiling. It quenches a certain amount of curiosity yet leaves a pleasant ache.

One of your better pieces, Karz. I'm impressed, to say the least.
~ Walker

I love this poem, honestly, I like the imagery it gives and I love the similes like "makes my fingers feel like they're covered in velvet" this is good work. My question is why is head given its own line? I personally would have written some of this differently but all in all, you did very well and I love the way it is. But it could be better so keep writing.

Hi there!

I quite liked this. You have a lot of great imagery in this poem and flowed very nicely. I've dabbled in poetry before, but while I can read and process it, it's not necessarily my thing writing wise, which just makes me appreciate good poems such as this even more.

However, I think there are still a few things I think you can do to improve. What keeps this from being good and not great, is the fact that it feels like prose broken up into lines as opposed to actual poetry. Poetry differs somewhat from prose; you have to have rhythm, flow. Although the definition of what makes a poem a poem is pretty broad, I do think you can expand when you revise this. Think of the images that you've created with this piece. What can you do to make them more abstract, prettier? I also think the parenthesis at the end of the first stanza is kind of cheap. Not that all parentheses in poems are cheap, but here, it feels forced. You're talented enough that you can probably find other ways to paint the images you want to.

Overall, you did a very good job with this, and I'm sorry that I don't have more to say! I hope this helps you- feel free to shoot me a PM if you have any questions.