Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
You used to steal my stuff. Almost daily. I didn't mind though, not much of it was worth losing. Except when you stole my wallet. I always fought hardest to retrieve it. Not because I had any amount of money worth stealing, or because I was embarrassed you'd find the condom that wouldn't end up being used for another year or more, but because I kept my heart in there, and I needed it back.
I went everywhere with my wallet. No matter where I was or what I did it was always within arms' reach. Why? Because when I eventually cut my own throat and left my literal lifeblood pooling on the carpet or the tiles or swirling down the drain or soaking into the soil or wherever I happened to be at the time I wanted a cenotaph; a monument to all my sins. My wallet held a copy (the only copy) of my suicide note.
There were three editions. The first was a dissertation. A detailed treatise of why, with blank spaces left to fill in how and when and where immediately before the actual moment of crisis. But that was exceptionally wanky.
The second edition was just a list of names. No messages, no 'I love you' or 'I'm sorry' or 'fuck you' or anything. I'm sure they could work all that out for themselves. That copy did not make the cut either.
The final (and current) version is much less abstruse. Just six words, no hidden messages, no need for revision.
"I wish I'd done this sooner."
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Canary word: Present
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125,034 Literary Works • 672,915 Reviews
Hey K-man.
Nice little short you have. Quick, good use of pace and somehow, I really liked the way it sort of funnels down. Like a triangle chart. Into six words in the end.
Two things that popped up while reading -
First one is that you're engaging the reader; and then you take leave of that tone. Maybe you're trying to show a symbol of detachment as he gets ready to commit suicide, but this change was a little (cannotarticulate-wordspcae) for me. It would work very well, even without the first bit.
Second. Haruspex. Naice!
Cheers,
Lava
Hello, Karzkin.
Okay, let's get these pesky little nitpicks out of the way first.
If something isn't worth losing, then that means it's valuable to the owner. I think what you were trying to go for here is "not much of it was worth keeping". With that phrase, we can see how the speaker was not too bothered when those useless things were stolen, and can see clearly that the wallet was valuable. I know it seems obvious that a wallet would be valuable, but replace "wallet" with something like "necklace" or "brooch" and it wouldn't be quite as obvious.
Okay, Kar, I understand where you were going with the suicide thing. I see that the introduction was a lead up to that, but you left us completely hanging with who is stealing her things and why. I understand you are eager to get to the ending, and the message on the last note was really impacting, but you can't just leave us readers hanging like you did.
We know nothing about this kleptomanic stranger, and you imply that the main character has had interactions with them before. Plus, the main character is speaking to them so obviously they're someone of importance. It would be nice to know more of their background instead of having their story brushed aside. I would love to see more of this if you decide to develop.
-RP
The stealer is a macguffin. They're not important.
Who's Macguffin?
It's a plot device. Something that motivates the character but has not much actual bearing on the plot. Sometimes it's money, or power, or survival, or something corporeal like the suitcase in Pulp Fiction. Google is just a click away...
True. Sorry, I thought it was a name or a character. Well that's different then. Kinda cool. Just a bit weird though that your main character is addressing someone completely pointless. Doesn't make much sense to me, honestly. Anyway, bye. Sorry about the confusion.
Firstly I have no idea what 'Haruspex' means. So I have gone to Google.
Makes sense now.
Lurrrvvveely. XD
'But that was exceptionally wanky.' This has got to be one of the best lines I have ever heard ever. I wish I had come up with that.
'"I wish I'd done this sooner."' AND OMFG! The final line is amaze-balls.
So short, so sudden, it hardly gives the reader time to process what's going on.
Dramatic intensity me likey.
Kudos.