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140,778 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Demoness,
So as I was on my merry way towards your portfolio, I wondered why it was I wasn't following you. How sad.
Now, I love how you begin with one of the most asked existential question of all time, because I feel like it is the most important questions of all time. The title I thought was a kind of clever way of re-phrasing the "I think, therefore I am" motif, and you've cast doubt on it and in this way made it yours, so that is cool.
Which brings me to your voice. I thought it very authentic, I think this poem flowed wonderfully from line to line and you've articulated the emotions and struggles well. I also liked the progression from the bitter questions to the last two stanzas, which are indeed my favorite of the entire piece.
I thought it honest, striking, and true. Very often do we build our own pits and then fall in them. The only thing I didn't like was the "in vain" part which was verging on melodrama just a tad.
All of that being said, I still do think this piece can still go places/ can still use some rewriting/redrafting (don't they all?) mainly because you are tackling a vague and /OVERDONE/ topic of great immensity and scope; it's kind of like writing about love isn't it? We all know it, we've all listened to songs, read or watched movies of it. Now, how is your piece going to stick out from the millions upon millions out there who have covered the same topic? When it comes to the "who am I" discussion - fogs, walls, masks, nothingness - I mean this has become so cliche.This is forgettable, ultimately, and the reason why - despite your flow and your ease of lines and your articulate thoughts - is because there's no image here - or what little image there is, it's too vague.
Part of that is your topic, I understand that - when you talk of such emotions, it makes sense that things are vague, etc. etc. I don't expect ridiculous word choices or anything like that. Though, it would be different if you have intentionally chosen the right vague words - but I don't think "vague" is your intention here, I think that you are trying to express this emotion and so imagery, specificity is key.
There's a difference between saying:
Love is the ultimate freedom
and saying:
Love is sailing in the breeze on a kite, and trusting that the wind can hold you up.
Notice also how in the first example the idea that love is freedom is stated, which really makes it boring and no fun. I can't interact or feel that at all. Though I can acknowledge it's conciseness. It's truthfulness. But in the second example - it's all imagery there. It's all feeling. Freedom isn't even mentioned - it's evoked. I want to be able to fly on a kite and feel free :c That sounds (waitforit) lovely!
Suggestions:
Imagery, imagery, imagery. Think about sight, touch, smell, taste, sound! What I think helps me often is taking each line, or taking each stanza, and visualizing how that idea can be symbolized or experienced, such as the idea of "freedom" can be visualized by flying - or symbolized by a kite. But don't be afraid to be random or unorthodox with it either. I could've just as easily said "love is the worn out sneakers I trekked with to reach to you" --- I mean, worn out sneakers? Pft. I'm sure you can do better. But the point is, experiment! Be creative and have fun with it!
~ as always Audy
Hi Demoness!
I'm seeing 2 really different colours in this. The first stanza and the final stanza are a bright pink... and the middle 3 stanzas are a midnight black and crimson red. The poem seems to be in the style of a soliloquy, almost like a Shakespearean dark comedy.... I'll go stanza by stanza.
The first stanza reminds me of Dr Seuss gone mysterious and bad. The repetition of "walls" and the constant referral to yourself and the reader pulls the reader and it is engaging to read. The hook of the poem, which is good.
The second stanza is very thought provoking. Talking about the mind and its psychology and how we make decisions and the way life words and a bluntness in the way you see things. The depth of the description makes it intriguing.
The third stanza talks of a crime perhaps committed by the character that is giving the soliloquy. "blood spilt in vain" and then the self admittance at the end.
The final stanza goes back to the Dr Seuss kind of language. "Who am I and Why? Am I at all?" Questioning your existence and frame of mind puts a massive frame on the whole thing. I love this last line.
I think the language in the 2nd to 4th stanzas could be similar to the first and last. I think that would make the entire thing seem deeper and even more thought provoking than it already is.
But I like the whole thing overall!
-Cosmo
For me this poem is asking what we really are as people, and how we find our identity within the questions of who we are. The fog represents an inability to identify oneself. With it comes a powerful statement that we cannot know ourselves without looking outside of ourselves. This is how I read the last three lines of the second stanza.
For me, the poem fits well together aside from the fourth stanza. I am having a hard time deciding where the blood is, in the initial imagery of the fog. It makes me wonder if the fog is only because of the pain caused by the speaker. The rhyme in the second line of the fourth stanza seems strange considering I didn't pick up on a rhyme anywhere else. It also stands out because of "Oh" being in the line.
Overall, I think you have an interesting question to the poem, what makes up ourselves, and you could do more poems with just this question looking at it from different perspectives instead of the perspective of someone questioning it due to a social error. You could also look at it from just someone who has been asked, who are you, and all of the things people claim they are, as opposed to what really makes up a person.
I found the switch between the singular and the plural in the second stanza to be somewhat off-putting. The poem seems predicated on the notion that we are individuals with voids not only between us, but within us as well. That is, just as we struggle to grasp meaning in groups, we struggle to grasp the meaning of ourselves.
The second stanza, though, shifts from an individual seeking to understand their own self to a group seeking to understand the individual: "my being" versus "We can't find." It doesn't seem to fit with the theme of the poem, although I could have the theme wrong.
I'd also cut down on some of the words. For example, whenever you use "and," it's usually not needed. For example,
Might read better as:
You may also want to consider removing the second "there is" in the third line of the second stanza. As it stands right now, it sounds like you're describing something else other than the fog when you say "there is non-conclusions and confusion." If you rather leave it in, the second "there is" should be changed to "there are."
The third and fourth stanzas flow much better, and I think it's because of their singular focus on the individual. The lines are also much tighter.
Overall, I think you have a good piece here. Just tighten up the second stanza!