Everlasting, Never-ending
I want to see your face,
I want your face to see mine,
But we watch with memories.
I long to hold you tight,
I long for you to hold me,
But distance is how we hug.
I try to smile at you,
I try to see your smile,
But our joy is displayed in tears.
I wish to sing for you,
I wish to hear you sing,
But silence is our song.
I dream about my future,
I dream a future with you,
But our present is a nightmare.
I need to live a life with you,
I need you to live with me,
But your life is blood in an hourglass.
I hate to love you,
I hate that you love me,
Because hatred is all the love we got.
Your eyes are closed – You can’t see my face.
Your arms are numb – You can’t hold me tight.
Your mouth is closed – You can’t smile at me.
Your throat is dry – You can’t sing me a song.
Your dreams are dead – You can’t be my future.
Your blood is drained – You can’t live with me.
You died with everlasting love – but I live with never-ending hatred.
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
This was, without changing a thing, an incredibly powerful piece. I applaud. I had to reread the large stanza close to the end to actually get what's going on. So brave of you to put this into words if this is based on a true story.
I don't even dare touch this piece.
The last line was very nice. Sad, but nice. And what I like is that when I started reading I thought you were talking about a long distance relationship...well it is in a way. But I didn't expect death to be the subject matter.
My hat is off to you. Well done.
EDIT - One thing I WOULD consider changing is: in your last line, instead of "you DIED" which makes it very obvious, use another word for "died". Something where the reader isn't TOLD, but SHOWN. That's all really.
This was reall nice. Even though it made me partially sad at the end, it was wonderful writing. I like the flow of your words, the mesh together nicely! Your imagery is great too. My favortine lines were at the end: Your dreams are dead – You can’t be my future. Your blood is drained – You can’t live with me. This was fantastic. keep writing! I cant wait to read more of your work!
I thought I rated it 16... but it was 18... when it should've been 12.. Messed up stuff.
A bit simplisitc but a well thought out and wonderful poem, nonetheless. I don't really have anything to correct because I didn't see any mistakes at all in this piece. Keep up the good work.
Although, you should rate this poem correctly. There is nothing in this piece that would warrant a 18+ rating. This is more a 12...possibly 16...but more so 12 rating
To start with, I like this piece. It is set up in a fresh, creative way instead of the same old stuff. It really gave it a different feel. Even with the different set up this poem really powerfully shows the pain the narrator feels, and I like the way its written. I wouldn't say it's tear jerking or anything, but it's good. One part I reall liked was
That part really got me, and was something i've felt before when a loved one of mine passed away. It really helped to strengthen the piece.
Now for the hard part, critiquing. I hate doing this part but I really try to be nice and give good advice, so here goes.
I thought the last line
was a little much. It seemed to overstate the point because even though the narrator never stated it before this blatantly you kinda understood that anyway from
Maybe it was just me, but that was what I thought.