Black Spot
There is a black spot in this place of engraved stones,
A place in which you lie with closed eyes all alone.
I have tried to talk to you so many times,
But our conversation consist of only my lines.
I have cried tears for you here, oceans I’ve cried,
I’ve screamed my throat hoarse urging you to rise.
But you’re like an abyss of heartache and silence,
This piece of metal on my finger is the last of your essence.
For me you lost your words in a game of poker,
Where you were the knight and I was the joker.
All the promises we made, they started to break,
I just wish you’d know I did what I did for our sake.
Now I’ve been sitting here turning memories into fireflies,
Next I will drown them with all my anger and demise.
This ground I will burn it, I will burn it black,
I will stand here screaming until you come back.
It doesn’t matter that I know you will not,
You can lie there laughing, lie there and rot.
Cause me all the pain you can and more,
make me remember what I used to live for.
Meanwhile I will gather all the flowers in this place,
I will go melancholic trying to find that final ace.
The lilies, the magnolias and the roses I will snatch,
I will put them on your marked spot and light a match.
I will teach you a lesson; it’s not okay to die
I will burn the ground in which you lie
Oh damn you I will burn it black
Oh please my love just come back!
Wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow. <-- haha, spam much?
What I'm trying to say is...this poem is pretty amazing. Great imagery, wonderful character voice (it's like I'm inside her head!), and overall pretty smooth rhyming. The few nitpicks I have about the rhyming have already been picked out by guineapiggirl, so you may want to take her suggestions into consideration.
Anyway, great job and keep writing!
Amazing. You really get the feeling that she's slightly crazy. And then the end is just like- oh wow.
This is actually incredible.
Few lines a bit awkward-
I have tried to talk to you so many times,
But our conversation consist of only my lines. (feels a bit nasty)
But you’re like an abyss of heartache and silence,
This piece of metal on my finger is the last of your essence. (far too long; this ring on my finger...
I'd work on the whole of the first verse, it's not as good as the rest of the poem.)
Now I’ve been sitting here turning memories into fireflies,
Next I will drown them with all my anger and demise. (both these rhymes seem forced- ?)
Bits I loved loads;
All the promises we made, they started to break,
I just wish you’d know I did what I did for our sake. (ooooh, what did you do?)
have cried tears for you here, oceans I’ve cried,
I’ve screamed my throat hoarse urging you to rise. (I really like the oceans)
This ground I will burn it, I will burn it black,
I will stand here screaming until you come back.
It doesn’t matter that I know you will not,
You can lie there laughing, lie there and rot.
Cause me all the pain you can and more,
make me remember what I used to live for. (This is just really hating this person they used to love because they died - it's messed up. I love.)
I will teach you a lesson; it’s not okay to die
I will burn the ground in which you lie
Oh damn you I will burn it black
Oh please my love just come back! (Excellent. Really excellent. Love the 'It's not okay to die!'. The single use of a strong word is very effective. This verse is actual poetic genius)
Love this poem. Still reeling from its disturbed awesomeness.
Going to go and read all your other poems now...
I love this. Good job!
I loved the whole poem, but my favorite part was the last stanza.
"I will teach you a lesson; it’s not okay to die
I will burn the ground in which you lie
Oh damn you I will burn it black
Oh please my love just come back!"
As in all poems this could be taken a different way than you probably inteded it to be. Keep up the good work.