Eyes watching, it’s in the fireplace,
An evil, burning face
Whispering, I know what you desire.
Before bursting in to fire.
Mouth laughing, it’s in the ice,
A mouth spitting lies
Promising, I know what you dream.
Before disappearing with the steam.
Hands grasping, it’s in the solid stone,
Ten dead fingers in cold bone
Writing, I know what you want.
Before breaking the enchant.
Thoughts attacking, it’s in my mind,
An old soul of the worst kind
Thinking, I know who you are.
Before cutting the scar.
My memories escape,
My thoughts loose their shape,
My lungs forget to breath,
My heart forgets to beat.
You’re playing, with me
Infiltrating my sight, can’t see,
Can’t think but I can feel,
But it can’t be real.
I hurt, I scream, I feel the pain,
Giving in to you, because I’m insane,
You say nothing’s gonna be okay,
Nothing’s gonna be allright.
Your evil eyes look in to mine,
Your lying mouth kisses mine,
Your cold hands touch mine,
Your thoughts become mine.
We’re both gonna die,
Together you and I.
And you ask:
"It's hopeless, so why fight back?
Why try when your future is black?"
And I say;
Because I'm human, it's what we do.
We fight, we hope, we're not like you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hi Demoness,
Well, the good news is that this poem has so many problems that the reader's total distaste leads him to overlook many of them in favor of identifying the glaring errors.
The bad news is that this piece is mostly made up of glaring errors. True, you possess the skill to at least understand that a poem needs imagery, and so show it in the first few stanzas. These images, however, are distorted and leap up here and there with no coherency. A face... of what? For what? By what? For what reason? And then mouths and hands without any kind of elaboration on the primary idea?
No, claiming that this monster is a representation of "struggle" isn't going to cut it. You need to compress the concept of the first 90% of this poem into a few stanzas. Right now, it's dragging on and on, the same monster doing its little dance around the reader's mind with absolutely no point - and then the reader gets sucker-punched by the main theme at the end. You only devote three lines to the conflict, and even these three are vague ideas floating around without a master.
Expand on what you're trying to say, and say it. If this poem continues dragging its feet, it will sink down into the abyss. Thankfully, you have the option to discard this poem and start over, which you should do immediately.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
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Hi Demoness, I'm here to review this for you. ^^
First of all, this poem was definitely an interesting piece. I say the title, and at first I was expecting some angsty, 'life sucks' poem... Which I was hoping to rip to shreds. But, I was wrong. xD You threw something different at me, and I actually really loved it.
The imagery was amazing, and the emotion was provoking. I would point out those few mistakes you made, but it seems that Scar already has that done. So, I suppose I'll just offer a little praise and be done with it, ja?
Usually, I don't like rhyming schemes because of how limiting they can be in poetry. However, you've pulled it off quite nicely. Normally, they disrupt the flow and make things a bit sticky and messy, but yours actually added TO the flow, which is something that caught me off guard. xD It also left me with one less thing to nit-pick and poke at.
The very last line of this poem was what really got me - I really, truly adored it. Ultimately, that stanza was my favourite. It put a bit of a twist on the whole poem from what I could tell, and I really did like it.
Amazing work!
~~Cass
Hey there, Demoness. I'm here to review you poem.
What an interesting poem you have here. I like the aspect you've given this. Is this dealing with possession of some kind? Or just general insane-ness? Cause it sure seems that way to me. Anyway, the flow and rythym is fine. And the imagery is amazing. I like it. Really, I do. It's making me think and that's a good thing. Either way, this is brilliant. I love your use of language.
Now, nitpicking. I found a few mistakes. A few times I've seen "in to", which should be one word. Also, "Before breaking the enchant." Enchant? Did you mean 'enchantment'? Cause that would work too. The line just felt incomplete. And here; "Infiltrating my sight, can’t see," perhaps adding an 'I' before "can't" would help? And again on the next line; "Can’t think but I can feel," perhaps add an I at the beginning there? And one last thing; "allright." Unless it's all right, there is only one "L" in that word. Just suggestions, you don't have to change anything, I'm just saying it might look, feel and sound better if you did.
Okay. No more nitpicks. I do like the last few stanzas;
"We’re both gonna die,
Together you and I.
And you ask:
"It's hopeless, so why fight back?
Why try when your future is black?"
And I say;
Because I'm human, it's what we do.
We fight, we hope, we're not like you."
These words paint a wonderfully not-so-nice image of how this story ends. And, despite the somewhat sad and/or depressing nature of the poem, I like it. Overall, a beautifully twisted, little poem, Demoness. I adore it, for both the good and the bad aspects of it. *clicks like* Thank you for the beautifully tragic and twisted poetry, Demoness. Remember, keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar.
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#800040 ">---> I love it Demoness, especially the very last line! That can encouragement to those who were feeling hopeless.
Super!!
-#BF0000 ">Cali34rniaSummer
Hauntingly beautiful. I loved it. I don't think there is a thing I would change. It flows wonderfully and the word choice -- just excellent!
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I think I say this every time, but...I loved it! You have a great sense of rythem and flow. I also really liked the ending when there was a little bit of conversation, that was a nice way to wrap up the poem. I'm sorry that I do not have any edits for you. Looking forward to reading more of your work, keep it up!
-Kayde
this was very good. I appreciate your gift for writing, not just anyone can do well with a poem like this one. It was really good.
Greatttttttt Job!
#00BF80 ">I like it a lot!!!!!!