Twisted mind
I’ve got a sort of twisted mind,
I hope they’re rather hard to find.
Cause if you got a look inside,
I think you’d be happy I lied.
If I was followed in the darkness where all is black,
I’d want one to reach me just to see if I can fight back.
If I see a fire I want to burn and feel the heat,
But if death wants me, I’d rather cheat.
If I see a bridge I want to jump and fall,
But if death seeks me I want to avoid his call.
If I see water I want the waves to make me drown,
But if death grabs me I’d prefer not to go down.
But I don’t want to die in a hospital bed,
When I’m so old I have to be cared for and fed.
When my limbs go numb and my eyes go blind,
When I cannot hear and is losing my mind.
See, if I have to die I want to die for real,
If death takes me I want to hurt and feel.
See, I want to feel what it’s like to drown,
I want to be there when the world goes down.
I want to be shot and murdered with a gun,
See my killer smile and say it was just for fun.
I want my heart broken and a knife in my chest,
I want pain, fear, danger, hate and all the rest.
I want my life flashing before my eyes,
I want to know it’s my moment before I die.
This is the secrets luring in my head,
And there they’re hiding for else I’d be dead.
Hey, I'm not suicidal, just sort of crazy and determined,
And as you may notice, I've got a rather twisted mind.
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139,498 Literary Works • 672,589 Reviews
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First off, deep concept. Not many people are willing to state explicitly that they don't want to grow old and pass with the ones you love, sort of deal. This eccentricty makes for good writing but it also makes for an interesting writer, so I give you props on such a deep, kind of twisted concept. You got that across so thumbs up from me.
By the way, Walker here with a review, of course xD. Probably should have stated that before!
There were some things about this poem that didn't mesh well with me. Like I loved the concept and the first stanza was pretty strong flow wise, but you have all different varying lengths to each stanza which sort of killed the chance of flow. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not, but it came across as being something you couldn't quite find the right words for.
for example;
You start off with such a lovely flow that when this kind of comes in, I get this feeling that you didn't know how to keep with the same flow, nor how to balance it all out. The second line is wonky beyond recognition and the first cuts us off completely from the original flow.
Maybe change up your rhymn scheme here. Like, instead of killing your flow, try something on the lines of;
ex.
If I was followed into the dark
where all the world is black
I'd want one to reach me just to see
if I have the strength to fight back
This way, you have the same general size of stanza, plus it looks a lot less juvenile.
Secondly, I find that sometimes you don't successfully get your point across. For example;
Whats rather hard to find? The ideas? We don't get that from these lines. Just that you have a twisted mind, then you jump to something that doesn't quite make sense with how I'm sure you would have wanted it to. Take a little more time on this. Really put your heart and soul into your work, and when things don't mesh up properly, change them.
I know sometimes its hard to find the bad in one's own work because we put so much effort and time into it. I get that. But everyone can improve and there is so much you could do with the concept and idea that it makes me physically cringe to think that this is where its going to end. Don't settle for 'I guess its okay'. Settle for 'I know this is good.'
So what I'm going to say is that you have a good skeleton. A good idea. Just, don't let this be the end of that good idea. Keep working and I hope to see some changes in the future!
~Walker