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139,506 Literary Works • 672,594 Reviews
Tjena Saga!
All in all, I thought this had a cool and slightly spooky atmosphere which I like a lot. Your rhymes are mostly very meticulous, which is very good, and the rhythm is smooth, too. It was especially neat in the beginning of the poem, but then you had a few little stumbles here and there - I say "stumbles", but they're really only that when compared to the rest of the poem. And when something is overall beautifully done, bits that are "fine" and "decent" stand out as "stumbles".
For example:
This bit had slightly different rhythm from the previous. It works quite well still with the third line (first in this quote), but the fourth (second) one sort of disrupts it. I'm sure you will notice, or have noticed, it when you read it aloud the way you would normally read a rhyming poem. I think it might because the previous line has longer words that have long vowels and flow smoothly "thoughts", "entwine", "their", whereas the fourth one has short snappy words that don't convey the same idea of smoothness, like she, and isn't. And when you count the syllables, you'll see that the third line has 8 and the fourth line has 10 of them.
I wouldn't necessarily advise you to just make the number of syllables match, because it often isn't the issue at all - it's more in sound symbolism, the emphasis, and the sort of words you choose. Do you see what I meant above with the long vowel thing, for example? Like the word "car" is "smoother" than "cat", because the vowel sound is longer in it. Obviously you can't have every word on the line to have a long vowel, for example, but it doesn’t need to be everywhere. When you have just a few key words that “match”, that will be more than enough.
That is a nice thing to pay attention to in general, so it doesn’t apply to just this bit that I quoted. But that’s a good example!
Should this be “arises” and “wipes”?
I think that's all from me now. I hope I didn't confuse you too much! But you know where to find me if I did. Just take a ferry across Bottniska viken.
Demeter
x
"Her feet move in accordance to the lethal dance,
One foot touching the air, tempting to enhance-
The air wraps her in a blanket of darker things,
Arms stretch out and form invisible wings"
these first four lines are really strong and really showcased the dancers move in true poetic way
"She doesn’t wish to fly, she’s anxious to fall,
Her scream is of relief, it’s no distress-call.
Her thoughts entwine with their nightmares.
Now she’s the only one who isn’t scared"
here we have come across some character development of the dancer and we get to feel what she's feeling at the moment.
"At this height, in a moment of imperfection,
She can take a step in the wrong direction,
And still end up exactly where she wishes-
A fall that wounds, but oblivion custom the stitches"
really beautiful third stanza. we come across some dark rhythm. at this point i have to agree with forestqueen that i too felt like i was watching the dancing and living her moments.
" And she arise, wipe away the dust and then-
She clears her throat and climbs the stairs to play again.
The world below pace fast, they barely notice
The girl who’s laughing at her own abyss,"
good imagery. we tend to feel this not-giving-up vibe here which is good.
"She’s balancing atop the office building,
She taunts and screams and oh she sings,
Crazy they say she’s completely insane.
But as life is running through her veins,"
again, great imagery. it castes a light on her behaviors and thinking and is really enjoyable to read.
"She’s maintaining the dance with death."
really love the grungy ending.
overall, a really good poem.
hope this was helpful.
Puck
This is a very dark poem, but I liked it, a lot. Your rhyming was incredible, and it really flowed. Nice meter and nice rhythm.
I like how you put it as she's dancing, and you make her seem like she really is crazy. I felt like I was there watching her as she danced with death, you did a really good job with the imagery.
This is a very well written poem! You're such a talented poet(: Keep it up!
This was a somewhat dark poem. But it had a different mood than most , and I liked that. And I think part of what changed the mood and made this so unique, was the way you went so... In depth, on your topic. It wasn't just " she's suicidal". It was what she was thinking, doing, AND what other people thought she was doing- and thinking. This poem cast a light into EVERYTHING, and it opened up the eyes of the reader and broadened their understanding of what being suicidal actually is.
Long-story-short, this was an awsome piece of writing and I hope to read more of your work.
Keep writing!
w&w