What I need to survive, is what's killing me
In a cloud of emotions, surrounding me,
I sit safe and sound, but it’s killing me,
Because wherever I look, all I see is you.
Outside falls the rain, so cold and plain.
Just like our fights, along with ignorance and pain.
Oh, I miss our fights, even though I regret
that we ever had any.
Look, the night sky is full of stars tonight.
It reminds me of your eyes, with the same glowing light.
Oh I miss your eyes, even when they wept
those sorrow-filled tears.
See that green carpet of grass, so soft and neat.
Just like your skin, when we made love on these sheets.
I miss your skin, even when it was covered in blood
that I couldn’t wash away.
The sun is a hot, bright glowing ball of fire,
Not much unlike your kisses, satisfying my every desire.
I miss your kisses, even the ones you gave me
when you meant to walk away.
The moon is a mysterious, shining ball of who knows what,
So much alike your face, eyes, smile, when you got shot.
I don’t miss that moment, I don’t miss it all.
But it is all I see, from day break to night fall.
All I need is you, All I got is me.
Every vision of you, is a stabb right through me.
What I need to survive, is what's killing me.
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Canary word: Present
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Dear Demoness,
Hello, my name is The Written Chef, and I have the honor of critiquing your work today!
This was a very good poem. I get that her loved one has died tragically and that what's killing her is her loss of love. Love is what we all need to live for. Thus, she is doomed herself. It's wonderful, the thought process behind this.
If I was to complain about anything, it would be the 'rapping' up of each stanza. I appreciate the uniqueness of doing it that way ( a random ending to a sentence with no rhyme or direction), but I felt like if you went further this entirity of a poem could be 'that much more.'
I don't recall any mistakes in spelling and such, and the rhyming was spot on until the last stanza. To suddenly change the rhyme scheme seemed a little odd, by rhyming -what- with -shot-.
Overall, very well written. If I was to give it a score, it would probably be a 3.5/5. The majority of the points would go to a well developed story within the poem you had and the imagery laid out.
Keep up the great work,
The Written Chef