Roll my cigarette
light up, and take a drag - sweet
poison in my lungs.
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,421 Reviews
Hey there ConverseFireGirl. Wolf here for a review.
I wish I could say more. I hope you take my wordlessness as a complement. Because it means you have written something very good.
First of all, I'd like to applaud you for doing this as a haiku. It is difficult to get topics like this into something so short and specific. So great job on that.
Now, I understand that finding words that fit into a haiku and say what you want can be difficult. But I do believe that the middle line could be better. It just doesn't seem to fit between your other two lines. The first and last lines sound very poetic, while the middle one sounds more like a poet's attempt at mild slang. Which could be a good thing, but I don't think it's right for this piece.
I feel bad leaving you with just that. But I really have nothing else to say. You had a wonderful theme and you portrayed it very well in a form of poetry which can make that difficult. So great job.
~WW
Thank you for the review!
Thank you for the review!
Hello ConverseFireGirl!
This is quite an interesting haiku! Usually haikus are used for quite dramatic or natural things so I found talking about cigarettes quite interesting concept wise! Shows an unique style! I also like the contrast between the person thinking it is sweet while then knowing it is a poison.
I couldn't find much wrong with this! As Deadman said you followed all the rules very well and your spelling is fine. No suggestions for alternatives to some phrases!
So overall good haiku! I like this angle!
Thanks!
Deadman here with a review for you today. Great choice, you've picked your poison. Heh excuse the pun there. It's interesting you chose a something like this. I think you got your point across really well too. This review will probably be short, but it's a Haiku, I can only cover so much.
Pros-
1. I love the subject you chose.
2. You've tackled the subject perfectly.
3. You expressed your point very well too.
4. Followed the 5-7-5 rule.
Cons-
I don't really have any, you followed the 5-7-5 rule and your punctuation was proper. So really no cons.
Great Haiku! I really like it, and I feel like you did a great job. It's an interesting subject, and you've executed it perfectly. I know this review was short, but I hope it helped somehow. Until next time, happy writing!
Cheers,
Deadman XD
Thank you for the review, I am glad that you liked it