Colours stain
morning skies painted
by new sun.
Silhouettes
of birds are brush strokes, flying
across fresh canvas.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This is lovely - really deft and well-expressed, much like a painter making marks on paper.
I have the sense of new beginnings, hope and optimism when I read it. *sigh!*
Hello Firegirlofconverse, we meet again.
This is very similar to your poem December Skies, I guess this intended, going by the title. Is this going to be a series?
Anyhow, what I particularly liked about this is the likening of silhouettes to black brush strokes, and then describing the brush strokes as flying. Very poetic,
Take That You Fiend!
Haha, I'd never thought of it like that! Thank you for the review!
Haha, I'd never thought of it like that! Thank you for the review!
Ah. Here we are. Hello again... erm, I'll call you Connie. ConverseFireGirl doesn't exactly roll off the keyboard. Hopefully you won't mind.
This poem is unlike the other two I've commented on. It actually betrays some humanity -- by which I mean it has errors.
The way I see it, this is a stanza. And its action is a little muddy. Morning skies, colours staining, painted by the sun. Color acting on skies acted upon by "new sun."
Some pretty clean-cut corrections: "by new sun" is grammatically incorrect. Possible corrections include "by new suns," "by a new sun," "by the new sun," -- you get the gist. Then the sentence "Colours stain morning skies painted by new sun" is structurally incorrect. Poems take liberty with grammar and structure for many very valid reasons - but there is not such a reason here. Subject. Verb. Noun. Always focus on the subject. Always clarify the verb. Always brush things lightly; tint them, if you will, with the noun. "I killed him." He tints what I have done. It is slightly different to say "I killed her." And it is simply frustrating to say "he is dead, whom I have killed." Jumbling up a sentence's structure - it is not done so lightly.
A little more subjective: The action is poorly portrayed. Part of it is the structure. "Palettes, blended colors / stagnant upon wood." There's a clear progression in my little example. There is paint on a palette. You see the palette; then color; then the color is explained and expressed. Such a tangible progress is not present in your first stanza.
Corrections: Here again structure is... at least confusing, if technically correct. Read this, if I may be so bold, and see if you can't see why I think "silhouettes of birds" is a weakly worded noun. I think "Birds' silhouettes" is simpler, clearer, and easier to read. I've kind of bled into subjective stuff, so I guess we're past the point of no return.
It's an interesting concept that doesn't take off. Colors are practically tired and done, for a poem. They're hard to express - granted. But they've been expressed many, many times. And by very, very good poets.
That said, I've never heard nature's broad canvas described in birds' silhouettes. That's just too good.
I really want to see these ideas, but in a better frame. Some different words.
If you take me up on that suggestion, be sure to let me see the result.
Be forever hortatory,
~Skorlir
I like this poem. It was short an simple.
But I think that There could be more to it, you know?
There should be more detail. Make the reader feel like they're there. Like they can see what's going on and what the narrator sees.
"of birds are brush strokes, flying "
This should be changed to either "of birds are brush strokes. Flying."
or
"of birds are brush strokes
Flying."
That would pull the poem together a little more.
"across fresh canvas"
canvas should be canvases.
All in all, this was good for a short poem. Just add a little more detail, and you'll be set! Keep up the good work. Can't wait to see more.
Thanks!
Hey fire girl!
Il limit myself to a comment. The second stanza was art. Your very thought of seeing birds flying as brush strokes and the background as a fresh canvas is mind blowing. I have already started reading rest of your work.
- Usero!
Thank you so much, Usero! I'm very glad you like it.
This is a rather short poem, but that's okay.
I think your poem is about the beauty of the morning sky, and I find it lovely. My favorite line was, "of birds are brush strokes flying,". Very vivid imagery in the poem. Although I agree with the first review about the word "stain".
Nice job with this, and keep writing!
-Supermeggs
Thank you for the review!