It vibrates her xylophone ribs
pounds her swirling blood
and pulses her fluttering soul.
The music from her chest
is a rhythm and a melody,
because the music
is her beating
heart.
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You are basically just describing your perception of the beating heart. I don't know if this would really qualify as a poem, it is more like a highly descriptive paragraph to me. However, it would go well with a well written story. Sorry if that was harsh, just trying to be honest.
Keep writing, it is clear you have a lot of potential.
First of all, I love the metaphors intertwined in the poem. The way you talked about the music from her chest and it being her beating heart really struck me. It was a new way of presenting the overdone idea. It was short, yet it was also powerful. The poem was something I, and many others, can relate to. I have no negative comments. I loved it, and am looking forward to seeing what else you put out.
Nice twist at the end, but pperhaps you could have made it less obvious in the title?
Retro here for a review
First of i want to say I did enjoy this poem, but I shall do one or two of my nit picks and then talk about what I likes, okay?
You repeat the word music twice in the poem and this seems like a petty nitpick but due to the length of your poem I would suggest that you need to avoid repetition for so long. It is, roughly, the length of a stanza therefore you should try your best to avoid repetition.
Also, and this is more personal preference than nit pick, but I would put the word heart in a separate stanza all together. Just so it has that much more of a punch as a finishing idea
Those two being said I have got to say I really did enjoy this poem. The heart as an instrument is a very interesting concept I must say but I think you've done it very very well.
I especially like the idea of swirling blood, so kudos!
Overall, a decent poem
Keep it up!
~Retro
RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
WOW I LOVE THIS okay calm.
Lovely poem you've got here! Really nice descriptions, figurative language, imagery, the whole nine! All that's needed from this review is nitpicking.
Only one line has a comma. That's a little distracting, since none of the other lines have commas where they're needed. What makes that line so special? Is there something I'm missing? I could be missing something.
I love the "xylophone ribs," and the "swirling blood," and especially the "fluttering soul."
I love the last lines, how they drive home the message you're trying to get across.
This was really well done, and in only two sentences! That's really, really hard to do, but you've done it and you've done it FANTASTICALLY.
I give this four stars of five, because that comma is driving me crazy but otherwise I LOVE THIS.