Young Writers Society

I was expecting this to be like this...

Anyways! Onto le review~

Okay, so I can't find anything wrong with this piece, grammar-wise. Moving on, I think you should focus more on explaining things. For instance, why must they learn how to fight? The poem, leading up to the last line, merely talks about how the narrator changed what God gave her, and then you throw out that the narrator learned how to fight. Why? What must they fight for? Examples help us understand the poem, dearie. (sorry, too much OUAT... >_>)

Besides that, I think you did a good job with showing how the narrator changed what s/he was born with, by making themselves look the way they want to look and not how anyone else, including God, wants them to look. That's a strong asset to the poem, because as a teenager, I can relate to rebellious behavior and wanting to look like me, not like someone else's version of me.

You used good examples to show how s/he is changing themselves and that helped me see how important it is to the narrator to be themselves and how they're changing over time. Overall, this was a good poem that was short, simple, to the point, and beautifully written.

I was going to just go back to the other work on poetry, but something made me come back. I have a question : Is that how you really see God?

Do you see him making you that way, fragile, clueless and young? Is God to you only a phase or a hinderer? I don't mean to preach, but I don't think that is how he really is…. anyway, just a question.

I love this!

Hi there!
Wow, it's been a long time since I've been on here, so forgive me if I'm rusty.

I really like the beginning of this poem. The metaphor of starting off life sober and then becoming drunk on life is effective, yet cliche. Maybe it could be delivered in a way that's less common, more punching? If that makes any sense...

I think after the drunk metaphor, your other lines that introduce how you were made could use some more imagery or information. In the lines "He made me with chubby cheeks,/ but as I got older they slipped away/ revealing only myself," it seems as though you make a jump because the reader won't know that the chubby cheeks hid you from anything until after you mention they slipped away. Do you see what I mean?

I like the dentist bit, but I don't see how it's relevant to the rest of the poem. The hair cutting reflects control, change, and strength and it fits well. How can you make the teeth being straightened reflect something similar or relate to the overall message of the poem? Perhaps straightening your teeth was a good thing, making you more beautiful, though you endured pain. Maybe it was negative, forcing you to conform to societies standards of beauty (although that would not be contingent with the message I received from the poem as a whole). Pick something a make it more relevant, otherwise take it out of the piece.

"God made me fragile, clueless and young,"- where did we get that imagery before hand? That feels like you dropped it in the reader's lap suddenly, when it should have been at least alluded to in the previous lines.

I have to say that the beginning made me think that it would be more uplifting because drunk on life is a phrase to show happiness, but when I neared the end it become a bit more... dark, for the lack of a better word at the moment. The ending seems disconnected from the rest of the poem. Try making the drunk on life more of a negative sentiment in order to make the poem work, if that's what you're going for.

Format is fine, though "how to fight" doesn't need its own line. It doesn't produce the same affect you might think it does.

Also, "learnt" should be learned.

This has great potential! Keep working on it and I hope my comments were useful in some way

-Lucky_Duck