It tickles my neck
like your lingering kisses did
but the sensation
slid away like your love.
My head back,
eyes streaming,
tears
have replaced
your kisses.
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140,763 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hello.
I love how this is short and sweet.
You've got a good talent the way that you compare the way the love slides away like the tears sliding down the cheeks.
I love the line "tears have replaced your kisses." because there was a point in time when things ended with the one I love and I missed their kisses.
So, even though this poem is short (which isn't a bad thing) it's very good.
Keep writing.
Hey ConverseFireGirl
I love the title, sounds very rare and nice!
It really strikes the reader's mind, the way your words mourn.
The pain in realizing that the most cherished kisses are now replaced by tears, tears which show the loss.
Every line seems as if though it is beautifully carved.
'...slid away like your love' shows the similarity between the lost love and tears.
In short, I loved it. It is beautiful :')
All the best!
Keep writing.
Love,
Krish
Hi!
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
Don't start a poem with "it." I know you're trying to keep the tears a secret till the end, but it doesn't work here. Try being more straightforward and adding more imagery.
You tell us what you look like while the narrator is crying and why the narrator is crying, but it doesn't make the reader feel anything, nor does it interest the reader. It's not a revolutionary idea, so you've got to add imagery to spice it up and make reading it worthwhile.
Here, your best friends are going to be simile and metaphor. Make them true and relatable. Don't compare kisses to something "dark." Don't say (and I know you won't say this, I'm just giving you an exaggerated example) "Like striking lightning I realize your kisses are now tears." Not many people know what striking lightning feels like. Small, everyday details can become beautiful when in poetry. The material of your jeans. The dripping of water from the faucet. Use little things when making similes and metaphors to help the audience feel what you're feeling.
Here is a great opportunity for a simile that you skipped over:
"like your love" doesn't give me any images. Try "but the sensation slipped off like soapy water." or something like that. Give me an image. Any image.
I wish you the best of luck with adding imagery into your poem. Happy writing!
Heloooo! (Thinks to self: not another avatar.
)
I have mentioned before my difficulty in reviewing short meaningful poems, so excuse the bumbling.
First off, allow me to compliment you on your originality on a, in my opinion, worn out genre, I am referring of course to love.
I like the imagery of love sliding away, I don't know why, perhaps it is because it reminds me of a snake or the organic components of a Dalek. Negative connotations for the whimsical lover.
Overall well done, especially against my dislike of length and genre!
Take That You Fiend!
Wow this piece is amazing, short, simple but effective. It's really powerful and made me sad(but in a good way)!