You never said this would be easy, but you promised me you'd try.
No one said anything about this sorrow that consumes me, every time you say goodbye.
The feeling of depression crawling across my skin,
whenever you claim to be busy, but my computer says your game just began.
Don't try and twist this into me being clingy, you know that's not the case.
I'm just tired of feeling second in everything related to me and you.
Every action in this world has a consequence,
for that I have no doubt.
I see it clearly every time you shut me out.
So I surrender, and lay my hand across my heart.
Preparing for the bitter pain, as you and I do part.
I'm not giving up, just giving in.
It's fine, I get it. This is a war I can't win.
Still I can't help but dream of all we might have been.
A perfect little human, for a demon bathed in sin.
I try so hard not to hurt you, but you never seem to care.
As the Raven cried out "Nevermore" waking me at night,
the realization struck so subtly that this is the end of you and I.
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
hellooo
reading the title makes me remember one direction's song,it's very good btw.
back to reviewing,THIS IS SO SAD but i love it,the content is very true and powerful and it's something we all had been through.
you described well the feeling of being rejected and shut out,the only thing you should add is some imagery to make this piece even more rich.
overall,i found this piece very powerfull and attractive,keep writing
hope it helped
Hey there! CelticThunder1438 here for a review! a.k.a. Selina
First of I would just like to say....I have never really written much poetry, but the last year I find myself writing more and more of it.
I know exactly what you mean when you said "I didn't mean for this to come out so dark" because when I first start writing a poem, its usually cause one line came to me. Then I start writing and soon when I look back I see that it turned out to be all of the emotions I was feeling all in a couple paragraphs hehe
Most of my poems turn out depressing also....but it is an accident. Poetry kinda senses your emotions and then your head thinks up words to make it make sense.
"I'm not giving up, just giving in.
It's fine, I get it. This is a war I can't win." This line had to be one of my favorites, I loved how you clarified you weren't giving up.
Love love love this poem! Keep up the good work, I look forward to seeing more of it!
~ CelticThunder1438
Just realized you were thirteen, I am 14
This is a review, take what you will out of it.
How would you say depression is felt to someone who hadn't felt it before? You are narrowing your audience to people with depression and then basically saying, attach what you felt to what I am feeling right now. This is not good because one, your not saying anything at all, two there are multiple forms of depression so we can't know what you're feeling and three we are simply skeptical because in poetry the word depression is saturated, a cliche. This is numb and though you add the crawling across my skin part to make it more poetic it adds nothing to the emotion; depression is a blank word.
The rhythm, the rhyme scheme and the tone is off to say the least, it just needs to be re-written and the second write you shouldn't rhyme at all in my personal opinion; rhyme is for silly things or nursery rhymes ect. and this is more dark. Instead focus on the rhythm more, the lines are pretty big for the amount of content that's in them and it's not really resonating with me.
This is not a reference and until you point out that this is from Edgar Allen Poe, it's the equivalent of stealing. But even if you did, this is just taking someone else's symbol and rhythm of 'nevermore' and using it to feed your poem rather badly. I don't find the quality of this poem to be good enough to reference it and the tone of both pieces are so different to the point that this line doesn't even make any sense. I think you really need to get rid of it and be a little more original.
Anyways, this poem kinda relies on generalized terms of how the character is feeling; he's feeling sorrow or depression and it's kinda bland. Instead I wan't something that is less abstract and more images, and indirect emotion. It's wordy talking mostly about the story line without the details or the emotional resonating parts. Lastly, the rhythm is off and the lines are a little big unjustifiably i.e no pattern in the syllables, alteration ect.
Take care, I know you can do better then this, maybe its a bit rushed?
Wow, I didn't realize you were 13. Your poetry is at a really high level for your age. Congrats. This review is harsh for your age, sorry but at the same time maybe it will help you, keep it up.