Here lies the past of you and I,
right up to the moment you texted me goodbye.
If the goal of this was to make me cry,
you should've at least looked me in the eye.
Since you didn't despite all we'd been through
believe me dear, I'll never miss you.
I still don't know what I did,
that triggered this reaction.
You never where one to talk things out,
when you could just take action.
I don't miss that about you,
I don't miss "us" at all.
I know I should have left you,
the first time you let me fall.
Despite that realization,
I don't regret our time together at all.
Next time I'll do better, and find someone who cares.
My apologies if you think, I was just a waste of time.
Now just leave me alone, because you're wasting mine.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Jeez. I love how non-whiny this is. I've come across a lot of poems/song lyrics like these where it's always about the person crying and whining for the person that left them to come back. This is different and very refreshing. Anyways, all I would suggest is that you separate this into a cleaner and more readable format to improve the overall structure of the poem. Other then that, I think it's really well-written. Nice work.
Hello! LittleFox here to review your poem
Overall I like this poem a lot. It has a nice tone and pacing. I especially love the first line. It works as a wonderful opening!
There are, however, a few places that could be touched up to improve it a little. For instance, usage of the word "texted." This is just my opinion, but it sounds rather awkward and not very poetic. It would sound better if the phrase were switched around to something like "the moment you sent me that 'goodbye' text," of something of that manor.
I also feel like a touch more of detail would improve the flow. Maybe a few small descriptions here and there.
All it needs is a quick glance-through and it's perfect so keep up the great work!
-LittleFox
This is awesome! I can't write poetry like this. It's amazing what you can do with emotions, isn't it?
I can't really find anything you could change, although your last two lines don't follow the rhyme pattern. But it flows nicely anyways, so I wouldn't change it.
Oh, found something. In the second stanza, 5th and 7th lines, at the end you use you on both. And in the 6th line and 10th lines, you use at all at the end of both of the lines. Maybe use just a little more variety?
Overall, I personally believe this is a great poem. You've earned a follower!