The Past.

Aww Oh. Hope you don't mind... I was reading a few of your other things and... now I'm here. Anyway, that was nice -and heartbreaking and... good. Very good.

I'm going to walk through your poem here:

"My past (no ,)"

left me broken

far beyond repair.

Please, come no closer. (Period? Maybe?)

(Capital "I" ) It isn't safe for you here.

The scars covering my skin

remind me of everything (no ,)

that could have been.

My past

has left me drowning in sin, (Hmm... don't try to rhyme with "been" There's no need )

and self hate (no ,)

is storming the gates. ("and self hate is storming the gates" I wasn't very fond of this)

Your past,

is cleaner, it seems.

But the more I learn,

the darker it seems. (repetition of seems...)

Our past,

as short as it may be,

has left me hopeful,

and full of dreams. (Hmm... we've been trying to rhyme with "seems" a little much now)

My past however,

is telling me it won't last.

And that our story

will become just another

part of the past."
(How about:
"will just remain another
part of the past?" We know that it IS the past so it can't very well BECOME the past, now can it? Maybe I'm just being nitpicky)

Overall, I really loved it. I loved how the two pasts were intertwined, but were to stay that way; past. There would be no future.

Wow. This is deep, and very sad.

a lot of your poems seem to revert to self-harm. Is there a reason for this, or is that just a theme you have? I personally have a theme in most of my poems as well, but sometimes it changes. Ordinarily I have to say "The" at least three times in one of my raps, or else I kinda get annoyed. XD OCD, I guess.

It's a sad poem, though. How your story will revert back to the past, and that it won't last.

But, think of it this way: history lasts forever, even if it's over, we can still look back on it! ^_^ yay!

Awesome poem, and thank you for posting and letting me read it! ^_^ haha! Hope you have a great day, and... Uh... Eat some nice cupcakes with black frosting!

Unless your lactose intolerant. Then... Maybe... Some licorice? XD hahaha.

Collideascope,
This is truly magnificent!

I get the meaning! It is dark. (That's what I love about it!! Thats what I personally love about all of your work!!) See, I am sorta gothish. My favorite color is black. Lol!

But, more about you!

This is great! I know I am supposed to revise, but, life has other plans awaiting us both!

So, if I may say, this spoke to me! I love your word choice!

You could not have done better!

Keep writing!! (Cuz your awesome at what you do!!!!!!)

~Tiff

This is good, it is smooth. It's great to read! Alright for a little bit in the beginning I thought this poem was kind of sad, and touching to the heart, but then at the end the mood sort of changed to something I can't describe. Not in a bad way though, in a good way. Anyway, we are going to start with nitpicks, if there are any of course.

Nitpick 1. Now to say this isn't really a nitpick, but it could be considered to some people, I am not so nitpicky about this certain mistakes, because lots make it, even I make it. Even if you are in the middle of the sentence you should still capitalize the word in every line. It doesn't really matter, but I am just giving you a heads up in case someone try's to get on you about that, because someone got on me about that before.

I didn't see other nitpicks, but there might be a few punctuation nitpicks, but trust me I am not good at punctuation that much.

Before we get to the good stuff there is one more thing, but I guess it could be considered a nitpick, but oh well. You rhyme in some parts and others you don't. But I mean I don't think it's a major issue that you need to work on, because I do that basically ever time I write a poem! XD!

Now for the good stuff!!

Alright first of all, the poem was one of the best. I think you should write poems more. Anyway, I say this to a lot of people, but only the people who I think write good stuff like you. Just saying... Now back to you... Or the topic of your poem!

So my favorite part was all of the parts,but if I had to pick a favorite part it would probably be the beginning because it was really touching, and it just... I don't know how to describe it really...

Well sorry this is such a long review, I just you know need points for one thing, and want to tell you how great your poem it, and when I said to get points, I do, but you know I am mostly reviewing because I liked it, because just saying- I am not that shallow! XD!

Anyway-


Keep up the good writing,
Love,
Dogsrule5

It's good. nice to read. you have got different style of writing poetry. All that leaves your creation clean. in this one, i can feel the deep meaning inside it (mercy, if I'm wrong)

Well, it's a love story (sad one?) (or insecure one?) well, no blabbering, you mentioned it as romantic..

I'm not good at romantic writing. should i envy you? hell no!

"My past however,
Is telling it wont last.
And our story,
Will become just another
part of the past."

This is maravilloso.. Just great!

Have super times ahead!

Beautiful. Beautiful and sad. Also true, I suppose.

Just few pointers. I suggest you revise the punctuation. You don't need a comma after the subject of a sentence. For example, in your secound line "my past" is the subject so get rid of the comma.
<quote>
My past,

has left me drowning in sin,

and self hate,

is storming the gates.
</quote>
I personally found this rather confusing because of the unneeded commas in the first and the third line. However, I really loved your wording.

Another thing is that you usually don't put a comma before "and".

Never mind, the poem is brilliant. You managed to express your feelings fairly well and to actually say something in few words. Well done!