War in the sky.
Your voice,
so cold and monotone
reminds me of this place
that I used to call home.
I know you would prefer,
that I lay down in a tomb.
Its clear you're scared too acknowledge,
I only bring your doom.
You’ve backed me into a corner,
I have no room to move.
That was until however,
I got sick of your perfume.
Bursting past your walls,
what a sight to see.
It appears you were the only thing in front of me.
Down to the gates of Hell,
smiling as they creaked and cracked.
One more try and they were free,
all of the things you never let me be.
Are Heavens gate quite as pristine,
as the story’s make them out to be?
No matter we shall soon see.
As we take to the sky’s
you rub your eyes in disbelief.
Oh what a sight we must be to see.
When thunder sounds,
rain starts pouring down.
The sound is just a disguise,
to cover the sound from the war in the sky.
Are you happy now,
that your friends are falling all around?
I’m losing people to,
but thanks to you I’m emotionally detached.
The difference here is simple,
Angels have wings, Demons wear jet packs.
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140,681 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
Hello CapitalMonday here with a review. I like to begin on the tempo also a type of beat is forming and how well-written this poem is. When I read this poem, I feel like a drum in my head beating at every beat that happen (sounds kinda like a battle drum, in a sense). Also how you changed from first person into 3rd person, as if the demons are talking to you as you stand above Hell. I like the ending of this poem, makes me laugh then realize that if in a battle the demons would wear jet packs while angels would wear their flimsy wings.
The poem is well-written since you can use imagery to see the angels and demons fighting above you, the sky red and yelling while you watch scared of if anything could really happen. Also how the demons have made you even more depressed since they are making you lose people in front of your eyes.
Farewell,
CapitalMonday
I see what you mean by that ending it was awesome and kind of fun.
When I first looked at your poem I thought "wow this is a long one" but hey it's perfect.
I like the story that's being told you've got a great imagination and some awesome skills to but this all down in such a great work.
There are no edits I have to give you since your previous reviews how found the big ones which were really the only ones.
So happy review day and stay awesome (since I'me sure you already are!)
-Carmenblue
Ok so this poem had AWESOME imagery. As you took me through the lines, a picture formed in my head. From the words you used, like bursting, cracked and creaked, pristine, I really felt like I was there. So that's just amazing
My other favorite part was the very last line. It was really, really clever and thought provoking! This is probably my favorite ending to any poem I've read. It summed up the rest of the poem so nicely, and finished the picture. I just loved it.
Some suggestions -
Its clear you're scared too acknowledge,
Change 'too' to 'to'.
Are Heavens gate quite as pristine,
'Are Heaven's gates quite as pristine,'
No matter we shall soon see.
Put a comma after 'No matter'.
The sound is just a disguise,
to cover the sound from the war in the sky.
I would find another word for 'sound' in one of these lines. It feels repetitive.
I’m losing people to,
Change 'to' to 'too'
Other than that, amazingly done. Keep writing!!
You're definitely right about your fabulous ending. I love how you ended the poem and it actually really made me ponder the whole meaning of your poem. The only comment I can make is to watch your usage of toos and tos. But otherwise...great job! Oh yeah and I love the title. It caught my attention which is always good. Keep writing!