A Line
A line through l can create the letter t.
So straight, so perfect, the polar opposite of me.
A line creates most of what we see.
Then of course,
there is always me.
If there ever was a time,
I so much as walked in a straight line,
it’s gone and past.
You see,
in this world nothing perfect ever lasts.
But if you wish to see this time,
the straight hands of a clock
you’ll need to rewind.
Far back,
to before my world collapsed,
and from the rubble I emerged,
twisted, bent, but not quite broke.
In conclusion,
I apologize if I upset your perfect world.
Why don’t you take a line,
and run it through my name.
While you strike me out of your history books,
under the false pretense,
that I have gone insane.
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Canary word: Present
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Woa! I am totally blown away by your originality.
This isn't much of a review, more of a comment that you're way with words is amazing! I'm definitely a fan of yours.
Thanks for sharing.
I really like this poem. I think it is really emotional and a very interesting way of viewing things. I liked the way you rhymed certain things, yet it's still a free style poem with your own syllabic formatting. I like how you kept repeating the theme of a line and used it in various ways, especially at the end. I think those final seven lines were my favorite because I felt it really captured your emotions and feelings. I thought this poem was very well written.
Now, if I may make one suggestion, there were certain areas where one line had few syllables while the next had more. A general rule I learned was that if one line has x syllables in it, the next line should not have over 5 more/less syllables than the previous. It sounds a little choppy on certain areas, one of which was "You see,/ in this world nothing perfect ever lasts." I feel like the second line could be broken into two to make it flow better in the poem.
Other than the syllables, I thought this poem was well written, emotional, and enjoyable to read. Keep writing, you're a great poet!
Wow, I quite enjoyed this little poem! It was good and flowed well from beginning to end, without any big interruptions to stop my reading and the voice that came from the poem. I like the way you described the speaker without making it too lengthy and boring; you get a perfect picture of what the speaker is like in their own words and by looking into their past. The ending is also very strong, especially the last line; "While you strike me out of your history books,/under the false pretense,/that I have gone insane."
The only thing I can really think of to critique is that some of the lines look like they'd be better off together instead of independent sentences, like instead of the period between "perfect world" and "why don't", a semicolon would make more sense there. This would also work for "ever lasts" and "but if". I can also say that you should take the "and from the rubble I emerged" and remove the "and", because it sounds funny being squashed in there like that, like it doesn't belong. Other than that, it felt perfect.
I give it an 8/10 because of the minor grammar mistakes. Keep on writing!
Hey there Collideascope dropping off a review!
I liked this piece and i think it has a very nice touch of realism in it. I also like how simple but also how complex this is. You did a nice job writing this and I think that you have a great talent for things like this. There may be a couple flaws but then again when is there anything that qualifies as perfect? Well I just wanted to say that you did a great job. Have a great day and keep writing!