In this moment with you,
there's a feeling in the air.
As I stare lovingly at you
It’s becoming crystal clear.
We’ve never been more connected,
then while sitting together here.
Despite coming from different places,
our souls are one and the same.
Your soft and gentle lips,
meeting mine if only for the briefest moment.
The feeling you have sparked in me,
I’ve never felt before.
You’ve washed away all my doubts,
that made me insecure.
When I hear your voice
my heart feels as if it has skipped a beat.
I heard it from an angel,
but figured it a rumor,
from a devil in disguise.
Only to have all doubts whisked away,
as I lay next to you
and my sleepless nights drift away.
In this moment with you
you are the one thing I hold true,
and I don’t want this moment here with you to end.
Because It all comes back to me in the end.
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140,080 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
Hello, Collideascope! I'm emeraldfox, representing Team EarthBenders this Review Day!
I loved this poem! It was such a sweet love story that shows how we should appreciate love when it comes to us. You reminded readers not to dwell on the past or fear the future, but just to enjoy the moments that we have now because we can never know how fleeting they may be. The meter was very strong in this poem and the rhyme scheme was very clear throught the poem. Your use of punctuation and capitalization was stellar and really added to the strenght of your poem. Your word choice was excellent to convey a simple, yet important message. You didn't have any grammar or spelling errors. I liked how it wasn't broken into separate stanzas. This showed that it was just a brief moment and there wasn't much passage of time.
One improvement I would suggest is not to rhyme a word with itself. You did that here when you rhymed away with away and you with you:
"Only to have all doubts whisked away,
as I lay next to you
and my sleepless nights drift away.
In this moment with you"
That was the only thing I thought could be improved. Your piece was excellent, and it definitely deserves a like!
"YWS is blue,
Our team is green.
We're the best reviewers
You've ever seen."
-@pendr for Team Earthbenders
disheartedallure is here to review this masterpiece!
I really like this a lot. Not because It's romantic and all that but because it flows well! At least to me it really does.
but put all the likes aside, I am here to review, aka help you improve.
all that I want to point out is that some of your phrases are cliche and need to be changed in order to have your own special poem. I see some potential in this and I really think you can edit some of these lines. Your rhythm needs a little work too, maybe expand of this poem a bit? Add some short lines between the long ones?
you'll do A okay!
Valerie
I liked this, but there are a lot of cliches.
like 'lovingly'. you do not need 'lovingly.' this is a love poem. we know it's lovingly.
other cliches:
crystal clear
soft and gentle lips- less of a cliche really, but it isn't personal enough, which is a trait it shares with cliches.
feeling sparked in me
heart skipped a beat
These make the poem more distant, and less intimate, so it feels less special.
also, the rhythm was a little funky, as stated down below.
honestly, you're one of the best poets i've seen on this site. You have a natural gift.
Don't write things for others. write for yourself. That is where your best stuff comes from.
Don't sweat this poem. It's very sweet, and your friend will love it. But remember, you are not a machine, and you can't just write amazing poetry FOR people at the flip of a switch (unless you can, in which case envy you).
happy writing!
Hello! I'm here to write a review for this fantastic piece!
I really like your title and how romantic this is. However your rhythm seems a little off beat, I suggest you shorten some lines, but it's good as is.
This is gonna be a very brief review since I don't really see anything that needs editing. Though I do think that the last two lines could use a little polishing. The "end" seems a little repetitive. These are just suggestions and your work is fine the way it is, it just needs a little polishing and editing. Aside from that, this poem is pretty well written. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I look forward to reading more from you! Oh, happy Thanksgiving!
Keep writing,
GrapeNerd