Lonely footsteps tap against gravel...
* * *
You're very kind Marigold,
he said.
Thank you,
she answered.
* * *
It was spring then.
The flowers were blooming,
the trees were bright green,
the sky was a clear blue,
her footsteps and heart were light.
* * *
Do you know what you're doing this summer?
he asked.
Not really,
she answered.
* * *
She was quiet and never talked much;
mostly kept to herself.
Barely any of the other children
wanted or even bothered to play with her.
* * *
Well maybe we can play together.
If you're not going anywhere.
he suggested.
Are you not going away?
she asked
* * *
She was very surprised when he
asked her to play.
She was minding her own business
reading in the shade.
* * *
He shook his head,
No we never go away.
After a pause, she answered
I'll ask my mom.
* * *
And that summer they did play together.
They laughed under the hot sun,
they dipped their toes in the cold pool,
they read in his tree house.
And she had her first friend.
* * *
School started again and with that so did old routine.
At lunch they ate together and played alone together.
The other children had seemed to shun them both.
He was bothered by this and slowly detached himself.
He grew mean like the other children,
called her names like the other children.
* * *
You're such a weirdo Marigold,
he said.
She did not answer.
And she lost her first friend.
* * *
Marigold's face was laced with sugar sweet tears.
She was alone again but this time it was lonely.
Before it was just her and she did not mind it.
But now it was different,
She felt empty and wrong.
She felt bitter.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Yolo peoples!!!!! Since I wrote a commit, I thought that I should write a review!!!! I know that makes absolutely NO sense, but hey, this is me were talking about!!!!XD This is basically the story of my life, well, in this case is the poem of my life!!!!XD I really liked what their friendship evolved into over time, but I didn't like that the evolution was him hating her. But that does add some sort of conflict to keep the reader going, so it's very vital that you keep this part in. I liked how the character described much that she is detached to the rest of the world, but during the second time as lonely. The fact that her friend said that he would never go kinda makes me want to punch his face... Because he LIED to Marigold, and he was the only friend that she had!!!!!! Whow, okay, before I get all caught up with my emotional state and start to fill up this space thingy with threats, may I just say, LadyRanicorn out!!!!!XD
Thanks for this review!
Hey AliceAfternoon,
I like this better than Marigold ^^ You get more into a story with this. This poem has a lot of potential to make several good smaller poems, you're just biting off a little more than you should be taking at once for a poem that's focusing on a story.
I'm suggesting you break this up into multiple smaller poems because you have a lot of stanzas that are transitioning between times which aren't necessary in a poem, but would be in a story. Basically you want to go into detail, like actually go into a scene when important events happen, sort of like creating acts in a play. You don't have a narrator telling the audience what's going on and then not show them anything, you show them what you want them to see, and give them the choice to glean their own understanding of the situation. This is going to make stronger poems because you're going to be expressing truths about the human experience which you don't even see because you'll be relating events that can be real. They don't have to be real, they just have to feel like they could have happened.
Take your last stanza for an example, lines like the first line of that stanza are perfect. That's where the story is, that's where the life of your poem is. Use that and create a setting that makes us see her alone, don't tell us she is alone, make us see that she is alone. Use a metaphor to express that "this time she actually felt alone" rather than telling us that. Show us something like her fitting into the setting now, rather than before when she would be in the setting, but not fit in it. Creating images like this will draw your reader back to the poem again, and again, and make it worth reading.
In the end, the more you support your readers with visuals of the scenes, the better the poem is going to be. You're trying to show them something that should be as clear as a memory, or reality, so give them a story that's showing them this layer of depth. To do that, you have to live moment to moment, tuning in when it's vital because we don't have time to live someone else's life.
I hope this helps for your story.
Summer doesn't last forever ^/
Nope
Great job and its such a " sweet poem" : )
And great idea using a previouse charecter * Thumbs Up *
You're such a weirdo Marigold,
he said.
She did not answer.
And she lost her first friend.
It seems like its a little bit over reactid, Maby adding some repitition
"You're such a weirdo
Why do I even bother"
ETC anyway good job and keep writing
I love the title!!! It represents the poem very well!
Thank you
You be the welcome!!!
its a cute poem!
Thank you
Awwww ;_;
;-;