The air smelled of fresh flowers
and spring showers.
I stood waiting under an old oak
when suddenly you awoke.
You rubbed your eyes and yawned,
lying there by the pond.
The gentle wind danced around
and you looked up with a frown.
You complain about being woken up,
but I just stared at some buttercups.
See I don't have time for your negativity,
it's spring, a time for festivity.
Do us all a favor and be happy.
No one likes a grumpy.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
*bangs head against a table* why *bang* did *bang* I *bang* ever *bang* write *bang* this
AAAHHHH IT'S SO BAD
It's Freaking Spring!
I thought this was cute, though ^^
XD
Okay. So, I know this poem probably wasn't meant to be taken too seriously, but I have to say that your rhymes are forced and don't really flow. ^^" You don't have an equal amount of syllables in your lines, which hinders the poem. Try reading it out loud.
Thanks,
~Joelsweet
Hey! I assume you want a review on this because you posted it so here I am!^^
This was such an adorable poem. I love how it incorporates both staying optimistic and the wonders of spring. It's always fabulous when a poem contains two different aspects to it!
I'm going to go two lines by two lines. (AB and AB and AB, etc)
The first line has a lot more syllables than the second, which then interrupts the flow and the nice rhyme it could have. Just planting another adjective before spring would work - maybe warm?
"Up" and "buttercup" don't really rhyme. Maybe the second line can be replaced with a bit more imagery - something more like "Plucking a bright yellow buttercup".
I think "You see" would work better here. The word time is also a bit repetitive - maybe replace with "period"? And if you add the you to the line above, you could even it out with another adjective.
Ex
You see, I don't have time for your negativity,
it's spring, a period of joyful festivity.
Something like that!
This part is pretty cute haha. The only little nitpick is that happy and grumpy don't rhyme. You could always search for something else, but it is sweet how it is.
I really liked this! Just a few tweaks with the syllables and rhyming would improve. A bit more imagery would be wonderful and another joy to read - plopping a few stanzas with more imagery like the tickling green grass or the rich petrichor smell. Something that really screams SPRING, in a deeper aspect. Right now, it's brushing up against the top dirt layer, but maybe you can go down and reach the roots!
In all, I very much enjoyed this. It was refreshing and absolutely smiley. :p
Keep writing! <3
~ EternalRain ^-^
Thanks a lot for this review. I don't actually want to add more imagery because I want the poem to be simple and seem innocent as if a child wrote it. Thanks again though
Oh I see!
You're welcome!^^
Hey, AliceAfternoon.
Cute poem you have here. I was expecting something less poetic since the title is a bit unprofessional because of "freakin'"
which isn't a wordbut it was cute and well written. I must say you're getting better and better. The only thing that seemed out of place was:but I just stared at some buttercups.
It doesn't really fit with the rest of the poem. But that's it. It was humorous and it made me smile so thank you for that life's been rough lately and a smile means a lot to me. Keep writing so I can keep reviewing!
~Keepwriting