We made horror stories of ourselves.
We chopped at our own skin, disfiguring,
encamped in our own crowded minds until
they were sagging and busted from our weight.
Sharpening our nails as a defense from the world,
we only ended up scratching ourselves in our sleep.
When we are checker-boarded, and can no longer tell
what is flesh and what is blood, when all the mirrors
only show us the demons we foreswore long ago,
we’ll fail to know if we are awake or still asleep
because we ourselves are the nightmares.
We made horror stories of ourselves.
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138,299 Literary Works • 672,099 Reviews
Hi there, fort! Here for the poetry exchange!
Sometimes I'll read something, and I've heard it so many times before that I don't any longer get an image from it. "Crowded minds" has become something of a cliche. Find a new, fresh image that allows the reader to make a new connection in the poem.I really liked that you ended with the first line. It was interesting to me-- I've done it before, but this poem is almost like a crescendo and then a decrescendo, with the loudest part in the middle. Nicely done.
Since Audy gave you a really nice general review previously, I'll focus a bit more on smaller details.
So I got a greeeeat image from this. You know when you pick up a trash bag that isn't too full, but really should have been taken out ages ago, and it leaks garbage juice on you? I got that with a brain. So awesome. I think that perhaps garbage in the mind would be an interesting image to incorporate into the previous line.
This is a nice line, but I wanted it to go somewhere. As it is, it sits. I read the line after that and thought about how you have to put mittens on babies so they don't scratch themselves with their nails while they sleep, or they'll get scars from it. My friend from high school had two scars on her face like that-- they looked like something kind of horrible had happened, but it was because as a baby, she scratched her face with her nails. I think you might be able to make a connection between this line and the next line with something like that. The idea of someone scratching themselves with the pointed nails.
Honestly, this line was kind of meh to me because we already know what you're saying in this line. You could take it out if you felt like it.
<3 yes good
"hideous" strikes me wrong here. I think that simply "demons" would do, without the adjective. Hideous reduces the impact of what we are seeing in the mirror. We read hideous and thus are prepared for something hideous. If there is no adjective, we can more properly feel how the narrator is feeling-- shocked. Think about that. You're going about your daily business, perhaps a little more down than usual, and you see some weird thing in the mirror. You're probably going to have a cow.
"more mad" sounds a bit awkward. I'd try a different way to say that.
With this kind of line, I usually just yell, "REDUNDANT" and drive away, like a football player smashing the mailbox of his English teacher because she failed him.
Here's a more general note. While this works, I feel like you use "we" as the subject of the sentences too much. Vary the sentence structures, and it'll be even more interesting.
Altogether, nice job on this. I got some really fabulous images, and it only needs a little polishing. I hope this review proves helpful to you! Happy poeting!
Hiya Fort!
The idea of horror stories is very simple and straightforward -- it is fear and it is disgust, and the fear and disgust one feels of oneself is such an important topic, something that is rarely discussed whether because of shame, repression, or the fear itself, etc. This is at the heart of self-harm and it is sad and often misunderstood or mishandled. I wonder why you chose to do the "we" perspective though? It's not that it's a bad choice, I guess I just don't understand the idea of it, is it for narrative? It doesn't hit me as hard as if it were written in singular, "I" for example -- which is more isolating, more alone and more genuine. When you hear stories of "I cut myself" and you feel the tremor in the voice that marks the courageousness of the person even speaking or admitting to it! That is powerful! "We", I think adds distance in this particular case, because it's almost like, here's the story of these people, or here's what we did that one time! As opposed to here's my story.
The only other suggestion for this that I can think of has to do with precision -- I think there are a few lines that water down the poem due to redundancy, where we want to focus on the purity of the image. The example is: we never slept for the fear of the Fear and the line following it about the nightmares -- we already know that there is fear, the title of the poem is Horror Stories, this doesn't need to be said -- instead, evoke the fear through the actions, the images and the tone! This gives you more room to expand on what you mean, what about the fear, and why the fear, and how the fear? These are interesting questions.
The checkerboard line. The metaphor is absolutely brilliant and intriguing, and my favorite line! Love it! Just reading the one line, I think of how a checkerboard is dark and light, transparent and opaque, and I think that is so apt to the way people can be so vulnerable, and yet put up that wall of strength but in the proceeding lines it is spelled out to the reader and so it doesn't leave much room for my interpretation or thought. This is all probably a taste-thing. Some people prefer that it is spelled out, some people prefer a poem to have the room for depth, because otherwise (and for me!) it's just :here's the poem - here's what this means - and that's it. There's no reader-interaction, no moment for me to interject my own personal memories or experiences into this to make it a more intimate reading.
Overall though, I really like the premise and the conceptual direction of this poem! I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions, or want to chat this out!
~ as always, Audy
nice!
Hey!!!
BitterRosemary here to give you a review!!!
Let's get started!
To begin, I really enjoyed this pom. It was raw, and honest. It contained the core of what true poetry is: emotion. Very good.
However, I don't like how you repeated "We made horror stories of ourselves", especially because it is in the title. Also, the format wasn't great, but I understand that this piece would be really difficult to separate into more than 2 stanzas, as you have.
"When we are checker-boarded,
and can no longer tell what is flesh and what is blood,
when mirrors only show hideous demons,
we’ll only become more mad."
I loved this part. It is true, and moving. It has powerful imagery and.. ahh IDK I just really love these four words. I guess they just hit home with me.
Congrats on an awesome job! 8 out f 10!
Never stop writing!
BitterRosemary
I like the imagery that you have throughout this piece. The images created are very vivid and I can really picture what you're describing in explicit detail.
"living within our own crowded minds until
they were sagging and busted from our weight."
That's a really heavy image. It's got so much riding on it, but at the same time, it feels kind of free and moving. It's got that "dry-swallow a pill" feel, but it's also got a feeling of "this is what it is". It's very blunt without being too direct.
I also loved the repetition of "we made horror stories of ourselves". It's my favorite line of this piece and I think I know why. It's only repeated twice, but it's sufficient in that sense. You open with this line, making us feel the depression and sadness. It really pushes the feel through the first stanza and makes things work. The second stanza has the after-feel of this depressive feel. It's kind of like looking at a busted mirror after you've shattered it. You're basically examining what you've said in more of a concise thought. That's why I love that it ends with "we made horror stories of ourselves" as well. It's showing that this hasn't changed one bit, and even though you understand what's going on, you don't know how - or if - you can change it.
It's very philosophical and lovely. I really enjoyed this piece. Good job.