Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General

E - Everyone

Light from the Storm

by fortis


A storm did brew within me,
and it grew day by day.
It blocked the path of smiles;
it turned my heart to clay.

I fled outwards for the forest;
the sky was gray and rumbling.
I reached a plain where lightning flashed;
the grandeur view was humbling.

It was dark and dangerous, that day,
when the sky with lightning spinned,
but that blinding flash could not compare
with the newfound light within.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
471 Reviews


Points: 125
Reviews: 471

Donate
Thu Jun 21, 2018 10:06 am
Lightsong says...



I'm here as summoned. '^'

Cool poem though, love well-executed rhyme poems. <3




fortis says...


it's from 2014 o.o;



Lightsong says...


I didn't notice until after I commented. xD



User avatar
802 Reviews


Points: 18884
Reviews: 802

Donate
Sun Jul 27, 2014 7:56 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Hello! Team Aqua here for a review. I know this is a couple months late, I've been looking for a good poem to review and I think I've found one!

This flows so nicely and just screams out emotions. I'm what sure what emotions, I guess that's your secret. But it certainly touched me.

It was dark and dangerous, that day,
when the sky with lightning spinned,
but that blinding flash could not compare
with the newfound light within.

The 'spinned' doesn't sound right. I know it's needed for your rhyme and I can't think of an alternative, but if you can think of something...

That's really the only nitpick I can find in this. It's a wonderful poem- good job! And, Fortis, if you will now join me in singing the Pokemon theme song, in spirit of Pokemon Review Day...
Spoiler! :
I wanna be the very best,
Like no one ever was.
To catch them all is my real test,
To train them is my cause.

I will travel across the land,
Searching far and wide.
Teach Pokemon to understand
The power that's inside

Pokemon, (gotta catch them all)

And.... I'm not typing the whole thing. :P




User avatar
52 Reviews


Points: 467
Reviews: 52

Donate
Wed Mar 19, 2014 12:11 am
catcha01 says...



I loved this poem. I felt like something was awoken within me while I read it. It's obvious that this poem came from your heart and I like that its relatable. Overall I have nothing to say that was already said and I hope that I can read more of your work. Great Job!
~Catcha01




User avatar
52 Reviews


Points: 467
Reviews: 52

Donate
Wed Mar 19, 2014 12:11 am
catcha01 says...



I loved this poem. I felt like something was awoken within me while I read it. It's obvious that this poem came from your heart and I like that its relatable. Overall I have nothing to say that was already said and I hope that I can read more of your work. Great Job!
~Catcha01




User avatar
693 Reviews


Points: 5383
Reviews: 693

Donate
Tue Mar 18, 2014 8:13 pm
View Likes
Audy wrote a review...



D'awww, there's something sweet about hope at the end. Loved it.

Especially nice control of the rhymes and rhythm, the flow of it all was smooth as silk jazz ice cream. My favorites were the lines in that second stanza, the rumbling/humbling to the lightning imagery is a beautiful marriage and an awestruck-heck-yes kind of message that gets encapsulated into that particular moment. I liked it a lot -- I thought the sounds and the image worked really well together.

Not much else to say. The poem was nice and well-written, it stands on its own and sets out to a satisfying conclusion, but it's not something to shock or surprise or impact me, mostly because it's pretty straight-forward, y'know?

Like the poem tells me what it wants to say and I'm nodding my head like "Yeah :)" and then the poem and I just both shake our heads and smile like :) :) and then we both go about our ways. Where's the tension - the question - the engaging/take another look aspect? That's a hard order to fill, and I understand it's not the direction this particular piece was aiming for, but I think that for any future poems you write, I'd love to see you go those new directions if that kind of thing inspires you.

Some real quick technical things in your third stanza:

No comma needed in that first line before 'that'

The sky with lightning spinned line was the weakest of the piece, I think. I get that the sky was spinning, but then it's just a weird turn of phrasing.

And then this is super minor: that last line -- "compare with" should be "compare to", no?

Behh, just minor little things. Still enjoyed the poem, and will be looking out for more!


~ as always, Audy




User avatar
24 Reviews


Points: 496
Reviews: 24

Donate
Tue Mar 18, 2014 6:05 pm
QuietQuilla wrote a review...



QuietQuilla desu!

I really like this write.

"A storm did brew within me,
and it grew day by day.
It blocked the path of smiles;
it turned my heart to clay."

The sadness and hollowness of this stanza is tangible. With the storm inside the main character nothing phases him/her. The storm is all they know. and it keeps all rays of light away.

"It was dark and dangerous, that day,
when the sky with lightning spinned,
but that blinding flash could not compare
with the newfound light within."

Only in that one day, this poem shows is the worse of the storm. I like this poem because it shows work and dedication to getting past what is in a persons way to light.
If you understand me at all that is. ^_^

Keep up the good writing, Ill be waiting.




User avatar
42 Reviews


Points: 100
Reviews: 42

Donate
Tue Mar 18, 2014 5:21 pm
ElectraHeart wrote a review...



Here to review!

First off, amazing and beautiful poem. Your poem flows very well. If I was to read it out loud it would flow nicely off the tongue. This part: "It was dark and dangerous, that day,
when the sky with lightning spinned,"
confuses me a bit.

That's about it!

Have a good day, and keep up the lovely writing!
~Sarai :)





[as a roleplayer is feeling sad about torturing her characters] RavenLord: "You're a writer, dear. Embrace it."
— RavenLord