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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

loxahatchee lullabies

by Vervain


-text removed-


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374 Reviews


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Sun Oct 27, 2013 11:58 pm
tgirly wrote a review...



The middle part was awesome. The middle part flowed, had beautiful imagery, and was just in general gorgeous.
The beginning I didn't like quite as much. "She washes away the darkness of men's souls" is just too clunky of a line; maybe split it into two or edited to a more manageable length; that'll help give the poem better flow.
As far as the last part, I enjoy the repetition of "the loxahatchee rive is black as pitch," but I think there's something off about the last line's rhythm, and I can't exactly name what. It might just be that I'm going insane, but I'd encourage you to look at that line and see if it does need to be smoothed a bit or not.
But back to that middle, I really do love it. There's nothing I can critique about it; the heart of the poem is impeccable.
Great concept for the poem too, good mood and feel to it as well. And I love the emotion behind it.
Hope this review helped! Happy Review Day! Keep writing!
From the Flaming Keys,
-Tgirly




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Thu Oct 24, 2013 9:46 pm
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Sassafras wrote a review...



Hello, ancientforever.

When I first started reading this I have to admit that I nearly stopped. This poem definitely has a slow start, but the last couplet really makes it beautiful. I like poems short and sweet, and this one was.

my calves sting from living needles
sewn into the weft of my dress;


This couplet is the only one in the poem that just doesn't sit right with me. What do you mean by living needles sewn into the dress? I've tried to picture it a million different ways and I still can't comprehend. Perhaps a change of wording is in order, but I know how difficult that can be to do in a poem. It just threw me off the rhythm of the poem and I had to read it over three times before I just gave up and moved on.

Actually, ancient, the middle stanza doesn't follow the rhythm the first stanza set at all. Transitioning from the first stanza to the second is weird. It doesn't flow well when I read it out. I just read the review under me and I agree with fortis in that the second stanza would sound a lot better without the last line, or at least a revision of the last line.

As you know, I think the last couplet is beautiful. It ties the poem together and brings the reader back to the beginning, which is good! Keep doing things like that.

This was a great poem, ancient, the only thing holding it back is that middle stanza. Do a little fixing of that and it'll be perfect.

-ReiseP




Vervain says...


Thank you very much for your review! Wow, this has been up for a bit - I think I'd given up on it getting much more thought, hah!

I am going to review the second stanza and quite possibly remove the last line of it in my editing version I have elsewhere; I realised when I read fortis' review that it really doesn't fit and doesn't have a place in that part of the poem.

Also - on the rhythm of the piece; normally I write arrhythmically, so I'm not used to having a real "meter" to which I have to adhere; in this case, it somewhat limited what I wanted to say, but, I will definitely take a bit of a look at that and see if it's any better after the last line's gone.

And on the "living needles" - I'm not sure if those lines can be really 'edited' per se, because they're one of the spots that made me write this in the first place (the other being "the loxahatchee river is black as pitch") but I WILL keep that in mind when I'm looking over it again.

Again, thank you so much for reviewing!



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Mon Oct 07, 2013 10:05 pm
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Rook wrote a review...



Hello~

the loxahatchee river is black as pitch:
So, I have never heard of the Loxahatchee before, but I used my good friend google and it told me it was a river in Florida. Somehow, with a name like Loxahatchee, I was expecting it to be somewhere more foreign. The name Loxahatchee defenitely gives us an air of mystery. I really like that name. And I like how you incorporate the alliteration into your title. I like your simile in the first line too. Even if it's a simile that has been done many times before. One thing though, "pitch" makes it sound like it's dirty, and then in the next line you talk about washing away darkness. But this is okay. It doesn't have to make sense.
I like all the visuals of the first stanza. Good job with that. It feels very calm and peaceful.
I really like the first two lines of the second stanza: you're willing to make sacrifices for beauty. But I am confused by the next three lines. I really do like the imagery of living needles (I think of pine-needles) sewn into the dress. I didn't know what the word "weft" meant, but I looked it up and I like its placement. I like the way the word sounds too. Almost like a small gust of wind. I do not like the last line at all though. You were talking about walking miles to see the flow, I imagined wind... all this movement and suddenly we're stuck to the sidewalk. It disrupts the mood of the poem.
And I love the repeated line in the third stanza, and the very final line, which is your intent, your point.
All together, it was a very pretty poem, and I'd like to imagine this as a lullaby, with a mother singer her child to sleep with a soothing melody. Great job, keep writing!




Vervain says...


A tidbit about the Loxahatchee: it is VERY dirty. It washes away groundsoil from the roots of trees, and it is, actually, about as black as pitch. I live about a mile's walk away from a stretch of the Loxahatchee, and I actually did walk to see it yesterday (of course, obviously, the inspiration for this).

I don't usually write more realistic poetry - I'm used to more abstract forms, so any feedback helps.

I was thinking about getting rid of that last line in the second stanza anyway - it does feel clunky, doesn't it?

Thank you so much for your review! Greatly appreciated!




Be led by your talent and not by your self-loathing ... everything beautiful in the world is within you.
— Russell Brand