Who put those needles in your heart?

by Demoness

Published March 18, 2013

In Pieces of Poetry

Who put those needles in your heart?

Can you crush a skull with mere ill wish,
Can hatred drill that deep?
Morning dew display those souls-
That fell for anger the night before…
Now they are but regret.
But can fury feed such flames
That can silence screams of pain
And put a towel in deaths throat?
Does it even hurt to harm,
In heart or in hand in that case?
Are you psychotic if you like it
To see them suffer and moreover-
If you want to hold that needle
In your hand against their heart.
If you smile when boiling blood-
Cover your pale, bony hands red.
Are you a crushed skull-
Or are you the hammer?
Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
bandgeek101
Review
bandgeek101 wrote a review Review · Mar 31, 2013

The first thing I thought when I read this poem was:stanzas. Try separating it into stanzas, just to save me from losing my mind. Otherwise, this was a very emotional poem, and I loved it. I like how you ask questions, but I seems like here are almost too many. Try t spread them out, then it will be great. Amazing work, though!

User avatar
NoirLumiere
Review
NoirLumiere wrote a review Review · Mar 18, 2013

Hey there! Noir here, and I'll be your reviewer today. Let's rock.

First up, concept. The concept for this was dark and dreary, but it worked rather well. It's different from the cheerful stuff I typically read, and that, in this case, was refreshing.

Next up, rhythm. The rhythm for this poem was very good. The lines were all almost the same length syllable wise, and that made it catchy and easy to read. If there was a rhyme scheme, i'm sorry but I missed it. And there were a few times where I stumbled reading it.

Finally, grammar. I found no grammar mistakes, so good job!

Overall: It was dark but refreshing. The rhythm was good with only a few mess ups, and the grammar was excellent.

This gets my hyena rating of 9/10.

This has been NoirLumiere, and there's your review. Keep rocking.

User avatar
Jonathan
Review
Jonathan wrote a review Review · Mar 18, 2013

I am not sure what you mean here by (are you a crushed skull) or the (Or are you the Hammer?).

And I don't see the point of it is what are you trying to say?.

You might have put some words in the wrong places to I think maybe.

Hmm these rimes don't rime that well.

Otherwise nice work and your punctuation is good a lot better than mine.

Keep writing and good luck. :D



'Tis the season to shovel enormous amounts of watermelon into your mouth while hunched over the cutting board like a dehydrated vampire that hasn't fed on blood in four hundred years and the only viable substitute is this questionable Christmas-colored fruit.
— Ari11