Young Writers Society

ooh way to give a unique poem with some thought-provoking content!

I don't have anything to fault you on except a few grammatical errors:

"story's" in the third line first stanza should read "stories"

"dammed" should read "damned"

...really, if you wanted to (I know the site gives it a red squiggly line) I think it would read nicer if you made 'fairy_tale' one word. Just my opinion.

That's really about it...
Yeah. Really cool poem!

Keep it up

Hello!

I really liked the idea behind this poem, that when fairy tales are created they're labeled and put together in a way that allows the reader to have a good guy and a bad guy, but if the story were actually real, it would be different from that. There would be middle ground, and people who sided with both of them.

That being said, I feel like you didn't quite get the full potential out of this poem because of your end stops. When you're trying to rhyme something, the common practice is to stop at the end of each line and let the rhyme accentuate every time it shows up so it's easy to find. The thing is, when you're really letting rhyme go, you don't need to hold onto the rhymes like that. They point themselves out to the ear of anyone reading aloud. There's no need to have a period or a comma at the end of every line.

The other thing about rhyme, is you have to be consistent. This is inconsistent. The pattern for this poem at some points was nearly abcc, or abab, which is, again, inconsistent. If you want to do end rhyme, the reader is going to expect consistency where you stick with one rhyme pattern. That rhyme pattern could even be abccdede, but it has to be the same through the rest of the stanzas [just a note, each letter represents a different end-sound and where it matches up]. So that being said, I feel like you've got a lot of work to do with getting the rhyme back to something that's better for the reader's expectations, and if you want to avoid doing that, you should just change the line-breaks so that you rhyme internally. All you'd have to do is erase all your punctuation, put the punctuation down where the sentence would naturally require it, then break up the poem according to where sections of the poem sound good together which puts the rhymes inside the line instead of at the end.

Also Grimm has two ms for Brothers Grimm.

So overall, I'd suggest you restructure this poem to hide the rhymes. You could probably get away with just changing some of them to hide it and use enjambment accordingly to do it if you wanted to. Here's an article you might find helpful: Secret Treasures in Poetic Devices

I hope you find this helpful and if you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

-Aley

Wow! I think I'm in love with this poem

No, but really it is really amazing. I like your topic and the different approach.

The first stanza is kinda like an introduction? The first line immeadiatly grabs the attention and takes me into your world. Your vocabulary fits this poem perfectly.
You slightly vary the length of your lines, which creates a nice flow and a more narrative structure.
My favourite line in this stanza is

"When the gates of Heaven and Hell are closed" , it creates a similarity between hell and heaven ..
but I also really like the ending:

"as well as the creatures down below,

that never seem to die."

Overall your poem has a nice flow, but there is one line which doens't fit :

"in comparison to the person you made me."

If you read it out loud, it sounds a bit off .. or is it just me? If you would change that to something a bit shorter, it would fit in better with the rest, I think.

I am absolutely in love with the last four lines!

"Have fun walking,

in your fairy tale land.

Things are much more lively,

Here among the dammed."

Especially the last line is great. It has a kind of humour in it and it is oddly comforting ^^


That is an amazing poem!!

Oooo it rhymes too XD Also i like how it is about heaven and hell n fantasy.(or imagination) I think why I enjoy it is because im always told to get out of my world,my weird creative world.but its wat i feel best is if i keep imagining. Keep writing!It really is a wonderful poem :3