Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic

18+ Language Violence

the train that once made me stay but not this time

by Charm


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

I.
at the end of the day i’m just a bitter asshole
at least that’s how you see me and how i feel
but i’m more than a devouring blaze
(i remind convince myself that all the time
i am more, i can do more, i am worth more)

II.
i’m holding onto the past:
in my mind i see a train station
busy people with their own lives
and destinations to be and i see you
however i imagine you look like
(i’m not quite sure no matter how
many pictures you send me you’ve
become some sort of second life,
a book character, a demon in my eyes)

III.
i made the mistake of thinking
i was strong enough to stand my ground
to hold my breath in my lungs and to nod
at everything that came out of your mouth
you are a good person
(i remind convince myself that all the time
you are good, you do good, you are worth goodness)
but if you have to threaten your life for someone to stay
i’d rather take the burden and push you past the yellow line myself


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
71 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 71

Donate
Sun Nov 27, 2016 2:52 pm
ashtheawesome12401 wrote a review...



Honestly. I relate to this. I feel the narrators pain and anger. It reminds me of something that recently happened to me. Which is why I really do like it.It feels like they're talking about someone close to them that they wanted nothing to do with.Which is completely understandable. I do have one question why does it go from the second verse (II) to the fourth verse. (IV)? What happened to three? Or was that rather just a mere mistake? Or was that intentional to think of like time passing? Please do answer that cause i am slightly confused by that. Overall I did enjoy this work and I'm definitely coming back for more!




Charm says...


Oh I deleted the third one and forget to change the numbers xD





OOOOHH thats why lol



User avatar
53 Reviews


Points: 236
Reviews: 53

Donate
Sun Nov 27, 2016 7:21 am
ishitadutt says...



I found this poem to review but after reading it I was so awestruck that I don't even want to look at this poem from a reviewer's eye. It is really beautiful. Can I share it with my friends on other social media, if it's fine with you?




Charm says...


as long as you give me credit and which social medias? (PM me)



User avatar
44 Reviews


Points: 1590
Reviews: 44

Donate
Sun Nov 27, 2016 12:00 am
View Likes
writervid wrote a review...



Hello! Writervid here to review your work! Let's get started.

at the end of the day i’m just a bitter asshole
at least that’s how you see me and how i feel
but i’m more than a devouring blaze
(i --remind-- convince myself that all the time
i am more, i can do more, i am worth more)

Okay, so, to start out, I really like this opening stanza. It has a lot of emotion in it--mainly self hate. That's something I don't usually see in poetry, so it definitely made me take a step back, say "whoa" and reread it. The crossed out remind really enhances this effect.

The only grammar things I would like to point out here is that the parenthesis aren't needed here, since we get the idea either way and it would probably come off more strongly without them, and that the "that" in the third line can probably be taken out for better flow.

i’m holding onto the past:
in my mind i see a train station
busy people with their own lives
and destinations to be and i see you
however i imagine you look like
(i’m not quite sure no matter how
many pictures you send me you’ve
become some sort of second life,
a book character, a demon in my eyes)

Two grammar things here. First, after the "i imagine you look like" line there can be a period because it's a complete thought. The second thing is that before the "no matter how many" in that exact line there should probably be some punctuation to distinguish that part of the line between the first part. It's a bit confusing and took me a couple reads to fully understand, and punctuation would probably help there. Maybe use an em dash?

I like what you do with imagery here. I get the effect of sort of zooming in on one person in a busy train station, which is well done.

i can’t understand the way you think
or what you gain. i can’t comprehend why
you haven’t realized you’re the problem (add a period here maybe)
people don’t just lash out
people don’t just accuse you of things
people don’t just hurt
for no reason (period here)

I like the repetition here. It really adds to the idea that you're communicating.

My confusion with this is how it relates to the previous stanza. You might want to add a stanza in between explaining more about the person. The only thing I know about about them right now is that they send pictures to the narrator and that the narrator's perception of them changes based on that. Try adding more to the poem to communicate this more clearly and I think you'll be golden. But right now, this stanza stands weakest for me.

i made the mistake of thinking
i was strong enough to stand my ground
to hold my breath in my lungs and to nod
at everything that came out of your mouth
you are a good person
(i --remind-- convince myself that all the time
you are good, you do good, you are worth goodness)
but if you have to threaten your life for someone to stay
i’d rather take the burden and push you past the yellow line myself

This is such a beautiful ending stanza! It hints at a lot between the relationship between the narrator. I can tell from this that the narrator feels a lot of pressure in this relationship.

One of my favorite things you did in this poem is the mirroring between the first and last stanzas. I find it interesting in the way they're mirrored, though. In the first stanza it's the narrator trying to get over their self hate, but here it's the narrator trying to stick it out in a relationship that clearly doesn't make them happy. It's an interesting parallel that hints at something deeper. Maybe the idea that the narrator views strength as loyalty to this person? Whatever it is, it certainly makes you think!

Overall, a beautiful poem, and not beyond saving at all. I enjoyed reviewing this.

Have a nice day! Keep writing




User avatar
1080 Reviews


Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Donate
Sat Nov 26, 2016 2:08 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

Jumping right into the first stanza, there's a lack of punctuation, which is something I feel you need to add. It doesn't have to have periods or anything of that sort if you don't want to use that, but some commas here and there to keep the flow running smoothly would be nice. I didn't really dig the stuff in parentheses too much because there wasn't too much content to begin with. From the first stanza, we get that the speaker is angry, and that's about it. Give us more than just that the speaker is angry and that's all they really are anymore. It's delivered in a way that lacks emotional impact and is more of a rant, but I'll touch on that more.

The main problem with this poem was the lack of imagery here and the amount of ranting that was done, especially from you since I usually like your usage of imagery. The second stanza is something that I would like to see reworked and redone and I didn't think it related as much as the other stanzas did to the poem. The part in parentheses is actually something that I like there but it was fragmented to the stuff not in parentheses or more separate. I want the scene here with the train to be created more strongly because I think it would benefit from that. Something that I do like is the fact of how self-aware the poem is and I think it's an interesting addition, intentional or not.

The third stanza was probably the weakest one for me. It does the least in getting the message across but I do have a few questions to fill the spot with since it's an appropriate time. As the readers, we don't really know who this poem is really directed to. Is it in general? Is it to a specific person? I've been assuming that it's directed to a single person, but I don't quite know.

The last stanza here feels choppy in its flow but at the same time I think that it could become one of the stronger points of the poem if it's reworked. There's still a lack of imagery but here you do a better job at expressing your emotion than you did in the start of the poem, but I want you to define it better. My angry is not your angry, so what does it feel like for you? In the beginning fire is talked of, but you never really expanded on that. The last two lines are really touchy for me and they're disgustingly beautiful, I think. You captured something uncomfortable for people to talk about and I am on the fence about it but I can't say that it wasn't strong? Though morally it is questionable and I didn't really understand the last line that well.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




Charm says...


yeah it was a rant poem xD i don't think i can save it and i'm kind of done with it xD



User avatar
79 Reviews


Points: 250
Reviews: 79

Donate
Fri Nov 25, 2016 9:52 pm
View Likes
Sevro says...



yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesssssss




Charm says...


yessss




I don't think so alliyah, but don't quote me on that.
— TheBlueCat