I hear the yelling,
and the screaming.
I hear the shouts of pain and anger.
It sounds so different to me than you.
There is a war inside my head.
The yelling isn't always at me.
But I've had my fair share.
Even when there may have been peace,
I hear it echo on.
There is a war inside my head.
The words hurt me on and on.
They're like bullets piercing deep.
Long and hard the battle rages.
There is a war inside my head.
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I thought you did this poem quite well. Am I right in thinking that you are describing Schitzophrenia? Please correct me if I am wrong. Also, the above comments, I do think you need a bit more description, but do not go overboard of you may lose it's meaning. Talk a bit about what the voices are saying
this part is a good, could you please elaborate on what they say to you? Other than that, I thought this was a very good piece and keep writing. You'll perfect your writing style, have faith!Hey King!
I actually like this poem, it's not bad, and has a pretty cool concept. I agree somewhat with Knightly, it doesn't have much really interesting word play, or message below what's there on the surface. But that's fine, if there was a little more imagination to it though, it would be awesome!
The only thing I really didn't like was that second "There is a war going on in my head." I think it takes the poem from bringing it full circle, to it being just repetitive.
Good luck and keep writing!
~Hope
Hi Kingolions! I'm here to review.
However, despite that, I feel it could use some work.
Well, I think you have a good start here. It's a fresh topic to read about, which is always a good thing.
Not to say that what you've written here is "bad," per se, but it needs something more. As it is right now, you are only telling us the story. That sounds dumb when you put it like that, but the telling isn't the only thing you need in a poem. You also need description. You need to make your reader feel what you want them to feel, and the way to do that is to describe the events more than tell them. For example:
Kind of bland right? It's extremely monotonous and boring. But here is a way to bring it back to life, using more description:
Much better, right? Well, that's what I feel you need to do in your poem. For now, forget about the actual events that you want to take place in your poem and focus on what it would feel like to be the one experiencing the story, and make sure you know how to get that point across with as much emotion and helpful description as possible.
That's it! Hope I could help.
-Knightley