This is just something quick I wrote during class. It's not great, but I tried. Tell me what you think.
-----------------------------------------------
The flow of tears fell like the swell of blood.
They pored from your eyes and chest.
I held you as you seeped away,
But closer I still came.
I lay your head upon my lap,
I showered you with tears.
But still you did not let go,
to what you were to me.
I know you will wait for me,
until I to am done and dead.
I think of every passing day,
of what you once said.
---------------------------------------------
I know the last paragraph rhymes, but it wasn't intentional. I thought it doesn't fit because the rest of it didn't rhyme, so can you please tell me of what I can say instead.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,811 Literary Works • 673,693 Reviews
i thought this poem was very well-written. you should keep writing like this, because i think it expresses your emotions really well. even if you weren't truly feeling that way, it made it seem like you did. there were a few grammatical errors, but other than that, i enjoyed this piece.
"I know you will wait for me,
until I to am done and dead.
I think of every passing day,
of what you once said."
hmmm.... i really like this stanza. but the last sentence doesn't really fit the rhythm. i dont kno what you really could replace it with if you want something that is saying the same thing. but you could replace it with something like 'of what you might have said' or 'of what you could have said'.... but i realize that those don't have the same meanings as what you currently have.. just a suggestion...
but yes. i like this.
Hey Kingolions.
This...confused me. It's like a snippet of something that happens, and doesn't quite tell the whole story.
So right now...it has the potential to be heartfelt, but it sort of misses. And this is basically because we have no idea what the two people in this poem shared, and what they were to each other. We only have a small idea of what exactly happened, but at least you made it clear that the person is dying, which is all right. But right now...it's a more light-hearted look at it, and that doesn't seem to work quite as well.
So. I know that there's not a ton of room to do this in a poem, but it can be done--try to put a bit more feeling into this. Try to have what exactly is on the narrator's mind show through as this is happening, and set us up to know a little more about the situation.
Also, I see you tried to use regular punctuation in here--which I like! Very much! (I'm a sucker for properly-punctuated poetry.) I just saw a few discrepancies there, but nothing too big.
Other than that, I'm not too great at poetry, but this is just my two cents. And also, completely my opinion, so you could ignore it if you like.
I think you can make this better, though.
Good luck, keep writing, and thanks for posting!
Just because something rhymes more not doesn't make it good or bad.
A poem can have rhyme or not and it still be good.
From my experience its hard to critique a poem because poems express feeling and emotion. Poem is not like a story that can be good or bad.
A poem is what YOU makeof it and the only thing people can really say is how they like it or don't like it.
personaly I liked it.
It was decent, but some points didn't sit right. Kind of vague, but I like that. It gives one room to think more. Keep writing in this style.
I thought this was a very captivating poem. The short style of it draws the reader in almost instantly, and the way it's present makes almost anyone relate to this poem somehow. I think you did a great job.
As for the final portion of your poem, I'm not sure what you could say instead. Maybe you could change "said" to "spoke"? I don't really know, but I hope I helped.
Anyways, good luck!
-Tyler