I have no idea why I write these, but on request, here is another. (Strange and delusional.)
---------------------------------------------
I hear the cry like a piercing howl,
as it strikes deep into my heart.
A howl like a beast so savage and wild,
unnatural from it's divine beauty.
One look into her shining eyes,
as she stands and stares back.
I feel the world drift away,
with my feet in the heavens
and my head in the ocean.
But I know that this must soon fade away,
for I feel her rage boil inside.
And as I take my last deep breath,
I wake from the girl who had my heart.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,811 Literary Works • 673,693 Reviews
Hi, kingolions! I'll get right down to it.
This is not a great way to start, because you're comparing a cry to a piercing howl, when they are basically the same thing. Similes and metaphors are tricky because sometimes, they make sense to the writer, but they can give the reader a muddled or redunant image. Figurative language makes writing beautiful and can be effective, but they should be used thoughtfully and sparingly to leave the greatest possibe impact. Also, the comma at the end of the first line is unnecessary, it disrupts the flow of the sentence.
Again we have some redunancy: if the creature is a beast, it's obviously savage and wild; that's why they call it a beast. Use sharper, more disparate words to describe this beast. Savage and wild seem too easy. Also, in the second line... this is one of THE most common mistakes ever, but it never ceases to annoy me. "It's" is a contraction of "it is" while "its" shows possession. In this situation, you want the possessive form, "its."
That comma is unnecessary.
Good imagery here. Nice.
I like the idea of this poem, but I'm left hanging with one big question: WHY? Why is the narrator's lover so furious? What has the narrator done to her? This poem has no impact on the reader because there is nothing, no clues in the text that explain or imply what has happened to drive a wedge between the lovers. To you as the writer I'm sure this poem makes sense as it is, but that's irrelevant; it needs to make sense to the reader. Right now it's a jumble of distorted emotion.
Keep writing!
i like your vocabulary. this poem was really thought-provoking. i got really intrigued, especially by the fact that the "angel" seemed to be cold and cruel, yet beautiful at the same time. maybe im reading into this too much, or analyzing it the wrong way.... i dont know. but all i know is that i like the way you write, so keep it up please!
I really like this and don't have any complaints. No spelling errors that I caught, and punctuation looks right. I really agree with ziggiefred, the "Howl" part kinda threw me off.
Hello there
Humph, thought provoking; that's all I can say. I liked it a lot. At first though I had absolutely no idea what was going on but after a few runs through the poem I think I kind of got the message and I liked it. The first stanza was the best out of all of them, because it was greatly written and had that beat to go along with it. Maybe the reason why I got lost at first was because immediately after you left the first stanza you did not develop more on the emotion of that 'howl' and it left me hanging a bit (but what do I know). The last stanza does not have enough either. But this was creative.
Good job
Ziggie