I wrote this a bit ago, so I though I might post it. And it's a little different to what I usually write.
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So soft were your eyes,
and peaceful when you thought.
The world fell away
when you held my hand.
No voice or sound could wake me,
or fear tear me away.
All I wished was that you could stay
with me forever.
Through all the pain
and all I have faced,
only you could pull me through.
and even now
as I write these last words,
your hand in mine is all I think of.
I just wish
that for once in my life,
I may know
that my heart will not break
like it did
so many times before.
Now I say it
for what may be
the first and last time.
No matter what happens,
I love you.
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This is an interesting poem. The idea of only being able to think of one person and missing them and having your heart broken is a bit played out. You managed to make yours a little different but the emotion fell a little flat at parts. It's easy to tell that there is a lot of underlying emotion and that there is a lot that could be done with that. Unfortunately, you weren't able to transfer all of that into your poem. It starts out very alive but progressively deadens. The first verse is full of emotion and how strong your love was, but as you near the end it becomes less personal and meaningful. And I say that with the best of intentions. I think that possibly you could review the 2nd and 3rd verses and word those a little differently. I think if you put as much into those as you did into the first this poem would be so amazing.
I love that you are changing up your usual style!
It is always good to do to keep your writing freshly inspired.
I have fallin in love with th first stanza of your poem..
"So soft were your eyes,
and peaceful when you thought.
The world fell away
when you held my hand.
No voice or sound could wake me,
or fear tear me away.
All I wished was that you could stay
with me forever."
I felt like I could picture this person, and knew exactly why you loved them!
And dont get me wrong the rest of your poem was great, but I think it lacked the originality of this first stanza.
Honestly, this is my problem in every poem I write.
But if you find the key to end this as brilliantly as you started it, i think youd have something amazing!
Hola haha, I don't hate it, but I don't love it either. I could feel he emotion in it, but it didn't seem to flow well when I read it, could just be me I don't know. But Overall i can't really think of anything bad about it, my personal taste just didn't like it, sorry.
Hey kingolions,
I didn't mind this poem but I thought that it was a bit cliche-I have read many poems like this before. I'm not annoyed but just a little disappointed. Nonetheless, I did enjoy the poem but not as much as I had hoped. The first line reminds me of a title of another one of your poems-Your Soft Blue Eyes. Quick question: did you get the idea from that or the other way around?
Just wondering whether it is supposed to be 'never' apposed to 'no'? I would sound better. Don't seem to sound harsh but the ending really let me down. Very predictable and overly used.
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)