This is a slightly disturbing poem I wrote. No idea why I wrote it, but that's the point. Trash it then burn it.
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Each day you ask me how I feel,
but I never let you know.
You wonder why I'm closed inside,
but that is just how I am.
The clouds that hide you from who I am,
are to save you from my darkest thoughts.
Never will you wish to know,
the pains I feel inside.
The night will come and true I feel,
but I never show you why.
The comfort I find in the dark,
will haunt you even when you wake.
I hope you never know who I am,
for death is comfort from what is in my mind.
The words that may slip my lips,
will curse the day you saw me first.
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Hi Kingolions,
When I read this the first time, I didn't get it that much and didn't take much of a liking to it. But I read it again and began to understand the poem, now, I think its pretty good. You wanting to protect someone from your darkest thoughts.
I really liked it, but maybe tell us why your protecting this person. Do you love them? Explain that. Also explain your thoughts and slightly reveal what some of them are, to get a true understanding that they are worth protecting someone from. Now, line number 8: "the pains I feel inside." Maybe just say "the pain I feel inside." Even if you are talking about various types of pain, it sounds better when it isn't made plural...
It was quite enjoyable to read and I felt it came from deep inside you. I could feel your connection with it, which is really important. Good work and best wishes for the future!
Hey kingolions!
What sort of place do I live in where there are no rubbish bins and nothing can burn? It's hell, I say so! Jokes. See? I always have to make a joke about your introductory for your poem. This time I wont ramble on about each character I type goes towards my total characters typed.
Unlike so other reviewers, I totally understood what you were saying. Sometimes I feel that people wouldn't like the stuff that I'm thinking and that they'll in fact be scared and run away. But that's what happens when you an evil emperor of your own country but then again, they're probably scared cause they think I'll shoot them. Jokes. See, I did it again.
It was a real interesting read. Usually people don't write stuff like this if they don't have any connection to what they are writing. I think this is more than text on a website but something deeper. I wouldn't say it's cliche but unique because if you ave some connection with it, then it's something new. It flowed well and you used an excellent selection of words. I do hope to read more of your word in the future.
MWAHAHAHA!
-R.O.C.
Unlike the other reviewer, I understood what you were talking about. But that fact just annoyed me.
The narrator comes off as self absorbed, thinking they are so important that what they say will forever impact the other party. You seemed to have let a wild pack of cliches roam freely from the confines of your mind (we all have them, but it's better to lock them up tightly).
You should make the wording more clever and interesting. It was very plain.
Keep writing.
Hey kingolions,
This was too much of a navel-gazing piece for me to enjoy. It's difficult for the reader to get into a poem that is exclusively about the author/narrator with little for us to understand. It's too vague in its statements. The "you" in the poem is pretty ambiguous and undefined, too, so we can't play that part. If you don't reach out to your readers, or create an audience, this poem will only mean something to yourself, and nobody else. While that's not a bad thing per se, it's not a good thing if you want to make it as a poet.
Good luck.
Well, I like the topic, I think that if you made it rhyme or changed some words to make it have better rhythm it may be eaiser to read... I think this can be a very good poem with a little work... Also, I'm left wondering who it is that you are hiding your true self from. Who it is that you hide your thoughts from...