I wanted to write something a little different. Here was my attempt.
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I wish that I could touch your face,
or smell you lush brown hair.
But every time I try to move,
I am stopped by this wooden box.
I know that you meant me well,
when you bought this box for me.
You bought it lined with satin and silk,
so I may rest in peace.
I just wish that I could live
with you always there.
But I am stopped by this wooden box,
so far under the ground.
Even though that I have died,
and my body slowly decays,
My love lives on for you always,
only stopped by this wooden box.
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Hey kingolions, CaptianRandom here
i think you mean i just WISH i could.I liked this poem, it was interesting how you put the perspective of the dead person, i loved how you did that. Also i found a little mistake surprisingly,
Great work i really enjoyed this. Kepp up the good work.
-CaptianRandom
-Many crystals woth many emotions
Hi!
I really liked it. The only thing I found a little confusing was that it seemed to rhyme at times, but then it sort of stopped.
Apart from that, Rain pointed out the only improvable things I could find. You are doing really well, and you have a talent (: so keep writing and never, never stop!
- Ignis (:
Hmmm, I like this, its unusual... Just a few comments and suggestions, (no spell cheak, sorry).
Over all, I liked this poem, the theme was good, and with some work the flow would be great as well. It may be better to share with us more of who the people are in this poem and use more imagry, you really didn't have much, and imagry is always good to have in a poem. I hope this helps and you don't get offended at all,
~Rain~
I must disagree with coral I like the repetition of the 'wooden box' it's a significant part of the style of your poem. It is true that you could be more descriptive, or a lot less it all depends on how you want your poem to come across, do you want to describe everything or do you wish do leave a lot for the reader to decide for themselves, simplistic or complex both are just as good just written and interpreted differently. at the moment it is somewhere in between you describe the lined coffin and thats about it. If you we're to follow Corals advice about the description of decay etc. you could have a very confronting and effective piece.
keep adding to it, it will come along nicely.
Really interesting concept- I like it. I would stress some points, make it more dramatic with some description- what does the coffin feel like? Physically and metaphorically? What does their decaying feel like? Can they still move, still function? If not, it makes their body more of a prison than the coffin, doesn't it?
I would switch up different phrases with "wooden box", as it becomes somewhat repetitive. I would also consider working on the flow a bit, as it was a bit shaky on some parts. Overall, like I said, excellent concept, and a nice poem. c:
Nice job!
-Coral-