Its not that great, but its what I came up with. Trash it, hate it, burn it, shoot it. Then tell me how to fix it.
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I walk among the living,
but I know I shall never be.
For years I have been alive,
but never have I lived.
All my life has been lived alone,
in a prison of my mind.
But as I wander this baron land of dust,
I know I am not alive.
I do not live, but I exist.
Each breath may be my last.
But even as I stand right here,
I know my mind has died.
To be alive and to be free,
one must surely feel,
something which brings happiness,
not dark clouds of scorning pain.
But soon I shall be alive,
and wonderfully free.
But first I must take a step,
off the bridge where I now wait.
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,693 Reviews
Hey Kingolions,
I enjoyed reading through the darkness of this poem. I especially loved the line: "in a prison of my mind."
I'd like some more description about the bridge at the end. How will it set you free? Otherwise, the poem flowed well and wasn't too long or too depressing and dark. It was very interesting a good to read. I also have a feeling you may have included some metaphors. As ROC said, are you talking about purgatory? If you were using metaphors, it was a bit hard to tell. And maybe describe what it feels like when you see the living. Are you jealous of them?
I love reading your pieces! Keep up the good work! Best wishes!
RedLeaf
I enjoyed this poem. It sucked me right in, which is not something that happens terribly frequently, so kudos for that.
Besides that a few grammatical things which others have pointed out already. Overall, a nicely written poem.
Write on!
Hey-O, let's go, with Bolt, the lame 80s surf lingo.
First off I liked your consistency in this poem. It kept to it's dark tone the whole time, which I thought made flow better. Along with the mysterious tone in it, which was pulled of very well. They both made the poem all the better, and added a lot of depth.
I also have to agree with June, on the whole Life aspect. It dragged the poem on and made it less poetic, if that makes sense. If you use different words, or more metaphoric ways to show life it would come out a lot better.
Also...I love Zombies...and the Unliving, yet alive thing, made me like it a lot.
Hey there, June here,
Nice work on this. I think that you still have room and potential to build and expand with this. I enjoy the theme, the unliving living topic behind this, and the cryptic tone that you managed to convey so well in this. However, I have a slight issue with your manner of stating and restating the "life" or lack thereof, so many times. I think that, instead, you should find a synonymous way to say it, or open up the door of imagery and let those carry your poem orward, because for now, it's a bit imageless, a bit powerless and repetitive because you're not letting these ideas come to life as they should be able to.
Furthermore, I really enjoyed the solemn tone to this poem, as well as the fact that you maintained it throughout. I think that added to the overall tone of the poem and grounded its foundation a little deeper. I just feel that, in addition you need to build up more with what you have, because it feels like a beginning to us.
Hope that helped some,
June
Hey there!
Okay, you say this "isn't that good". The problem with modesty is it doesn't work when people realise it's a lot better than they're letting on. This is an example of that. This is actually very well written and that is due to the good ground idea that you've raised it from. The idea of being alive, but not living is clearly expressed in your first lines:
That opening is impregnable. In fact, it's perfect. There's control in pace, beautiful fluency and clarity of meaning given by the narration of explicity. Though, from here, it needs improving a little. This is only because you've set the bar so high with a stylish first stanza, so don't worry!
The only reason the poem gets a little more bland nearing the end is because there's no change in tone due to the consistent similarity of punctuation. Nothing's being sped up, or dwelled on. So my improvement for you is take this poem, cut it up into different line lengths and throw about an experiment of punctuation. The result should be something far more individual.
Anyway, hope this helps - keep writing!
Ben
Overall the poem was a bit repetitive with word use. I would suggest just going over it with a thesaurus to enhance your stanzas. Also work on making it a bit more "smooth" if you know what I mean. It has the appearance of structure but is kind of sloppy in that area if you ask me. Free verse is fine though, make it how you want.
I like the theme of apathetic existence and how you described it so honestly.
Next time I challenge you to make a poem about joie de vivre, I would be interested in your approach.
Hey king!
I found this poem quite interesting and intriguing. I feel that it can bring forth a lot of conversation because of the way you write it so well and the topic you bring up. The stanzas were of a perfect length as well as each line. As you said to me, keep it short and sharp which I believe you have achieved which is something to be proud of. I enjoyed it but I am slightly confused at the last stanza and what you are implying? Is this person actually on a bridge (it may sound like a stupid comment, but you are known for your twists at the end of your poems i.e. Your Soft Blue Eyes) or have they died and are in purgatory? Don't clarify this as it is a perfect topic for discussion.
Keep up the good work
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter
The Porpoise can't breath if you stick it in the blowhole