The Tears I Couldn't Shed

Hi kingolions, I thought this great! Its very deep and powerful which makes a good poem.

"You asked me why I was closed inside, but it was because I'd opened too far. You would never understand, how much it burns inside."- This is my favorite part of the poem. It really means something. Maybe expand on this point to make it even better!

While this poem is very good I don't think it is your best work. I can't put my finger on but there is just something about it that does not make it as good as your others. Having said that it is still at a very high standard.
Keep up the great poems!!

Thanx,
watchmeburn

Wow. This is awesome.
It can be applied to so many things that people go through, so it's universally applied.

"You asked me why I was closed inside,
but it was because I'd opened too far."

Just amazing. All I can say.
(:

My first impression of the poem was good. I know this poem has a greater meaning to it than just the words you've displayed and because I know its meaning, when I read I have a greater depth of understanding for it. But, I think you should keep the poem in past tense - not present like some people are saying. The poem feels very much like a personal reflection, you looking back on a past event, it should all be written in past tense.
I agree with flower~child's edits at line 5 of the poem:
But I will always care. But I have always cared and always will, would sound better here, to me that is.

- it sounds better and is a bit more expressive. Even though it is somewhat a dark poem, make it just that bit more expressive so people understand the greater depth to it. People have asked you to describe her, but I think this poem focuses more on you and your feelings because its a reflection of the event and how you felt then. I also agree with flower~child that the story could have a smoother ending, it gets a bit awkward towards the end. This is a poem that should have a nice soft ending, that'll make people think after they've read it.

Other than all that, I really thought it was good. I still feel there is some depth to the poem - a greater meaning that needs to be released. I feel that'll it will turn out to be a great poem. Best wishes!

Hello, so, I like the theme. The poem isn't that bad but there are some things you should work on...

You asked me why I never cried,
when I saw her lying there. << I like this, but I think you should elaborate on it more. Why is she lying there? Who is she to you? Somethink like that...
You thought that I was so cruel << I agree with flower, take out the 'so', and maybe change the word 'thought' to 'said'. I think it sounds better and makes the rhyme better...
to not have cared at all.
But I will always care. << This should be a comma, not a period...
more than you know.

You asked me why I was closed inside, << You should tell more about this, maybe add a metophor having to do with being closed up...
but it was because I'd opened too far.<< Here I don't get, what were you opening up to far for?
<<You would never understand,
how much it burns inside.
For each tear that I didn't cry, << 'for' would sound better as 'because', and 'that' can be removed...
just burnt me even more.>> I really like this part

I didn't cry at all for her, << I don't know, maybe adding a line after this like " While she__________ " what it is that she was going through to make you want to cry...
because I was out of tears.<< Why were you all out of tears? What made you cry them all away?
It made it's mark inside of me, << Maybe get ride of 'of'
because of the the tears I couldn't shed.<< This line is too long, shorten it up a bit and this last stanza would flow better...

Its a good poem but I do agree with Flower~Child with some of the lines of the poem. I felt this two lines flowed nicely:
For each tear that I didn't cry,
just burnt me even more.

I really liked them.

Well hello there, my name is Flower, and I will be your reviewer for the evening. Before I begin I just want to let you know that I really like the perspective that you've given. I understand where you are coming from, and what you mean exactly. That is a very hard concept to achieve in a poem, but you have.

---------------------------

You asked me why I never cried,
when I saw her lying there. I think I would describe more of what you saw after this line. I think it would add to the poem.
You thought that I was so cruel I think I would omit the word "so" here, it doesn't add to the poem.
to not have cared at all. Because I didn't care, would sound better here.
But I will always care. But I have always cared and always will, would sound better here, to me that is.
more than you know.

You asked me why I was closed inside, I would describe the closed thing more. I would tell why you are closed, but in a mental to yourself way.
but it was because I'd opened too far.
You would never understand, You change tenses several times during this poem. I think you should stick with present/future tense.
how much it burns inside. The next three lines don't flow very well. I would suggest revising them.
For each tear that I didn't cry,
just burnt me even more.

I didn't cry at all for her,
because I was out of tears.
It made it's mark inside of me, These two lines don't really flow well. It is also an awkward ending. I think it could be easily fixed with a couple of word revisions, but it's up to you.

Other than those things this was a beautiful poem. I understand what you were getting at. The only other comment I have is that you didn't really tell us a story. You didn't tell us what happened to this "her" you speak of. You also didn't tell us why you and the girl were so close. I guess you are suggesting that she died, but you don't really say. Do you see what I mean? Tell more of a story and this will be perfect.

Best of luck, and if you need anything feel free to pm me.

-Flower-
because of the the tears I couldn't shed.[/quote]

Hello,
You provided an interesting perspective and I found it very captivating. The only thing I didn't really understand was the line:

But I care but I will always care.