This is just something I wrote while bored in class. It's not that great, so please tell me what I can do to make this, and anything else I write, better.
Follow not death into the darkness of the loneliest night,
for you will become its companion for eternity.
Seek not refuge in the shadows of death,
for in darkness, the light of life shines not.
Let not the evil of death surround your heart,
for evil in heart is evil in life.
Follow not those who lead others into the darkness,
for when left alone, and lost in life, there is not return.
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,693 Reviews
Hi King!
Here is your review, as requested.
So, I liked this. I don't think that it's as good as the other poems of yours that I've reviewed, but, it was still a good start, and I can really see how this could be set up as a larger story!
One thing that I wanted to comment on is the beginnings of your stanzas. You start off with a noun and then a negative verb, but instead of just saying "Don't", you say "not" and although that would make sense in a language like French, it doesn't make sense in English. Just say don't and you'll be good.
Otherwise, I really liked it! PM me if you ever decide to expand on this idea or if you need anything else reviewed, okay?
-Elinor xo
Thanks for the input. I'm glad that it is liked.
About the proverb comment, I was actually writing it to use as a bible or something in a book like story I was writing. They were like psalms, but I re-wrote them as a poem.
Also, I was just meaning the metaphorical death. It might be a little strong if it was the physical death.
I will also think about the use of 'not' as the second word. If there are any suggestions about it, please contribute. Other people's opinions really help with the other things I write as well. (Except some of my family's comments. They think I'm kind of crazy. But maybe I am. Hmmm...)
Well written. It's not exactly poetic per se--sounds more like a translation of some ancient proverbs from some fantasy book. In fact, it actually sounds like Bible verses.
This might or might not be a good thing, depending on the context of why you wrote this.
One thing though--if you meant death as a metaphorical death, then the poem makes complete sense and conveys its message well. If you meant death as in actual, physical death, then I feel as if the poem's warning is a bit superfluous--unless you're trying to discourage suicide?
I also agree with the others, I personally think that this is a great short poem. The only thing you might want to change is that the second word in ever stanza was always not: Follow not, seek not, let not. Maybe mix it up a little, but that is just some advice, you don't have to change it unless you want to.
Otherwise my favorite stanza was:
Let not the evil of death surround your heart,
for evil in heart is evil in life.
I thought that was beautiful and very profound.
-Jane
I disagree about iit not being that good! It's a great poem and it's true. I liked it quite a bit and there isn't much you should change. If I would change anything, it would just be adding a few more stanzas or something.
Well done! Well done indeed!!
*Clicks Like*
I think it's a really good poem.