I wrote this, and thought that I wasn't going to post it, but one of my friends really liked it and told me to post it. So here it is. I hope you like it too. If you don't, feel free to trash it. (What do my friends know?)
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I saw the faces of those I knew.
I wondered why they looked right through me.
I was like a lonely piece of glass,
who only wanted someone there.
Where now have you gone?
Am I so foul you ran away?
Again I knew you looked at air,
when our eyes gazed at each other.
So many times I felt like glass,
that was never able to be tinted.
I tried to bend into what you may use,
but now I know I will only break.
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139,537 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey kingolions!
I'm trying to find a rubbish bin but I can't find one! Jokes. I know, it must be getting annoying hearing these lame jokes at the beginning of my reviews now it's just I look at how you say "Trash it" or "Burn it" and I think of a joke and I need someone to hear it so I include it into my review which is quite stupid because everything I am just typing is going towards my characters that I've typed and what do you know, I'm already at 455 characters that's not including the characters 4, 5 and 5 but if you insist then four hundred and fifty five. Okay, enough with the rambling and rambling and droning and rambling and rambling and, opps, there I go again. TO THE REVIEW! *points up and runs off*
You know I technically don't have to write a review because I've already accumulated enough characters to count this as a review but as I am a generous person *cough, cough* I'd be happy to review this poem. Fantastic. Brilliant. Excellent. Magical. Exquisite. Magnificent. There I go again, I don't know why I keep doing this. This is a fine piece of work you have here. It was written amazingly, probably one of my most favourite pieces of yours. It flowed well, I give you that, but I didn't like the stanzas. I felt a bit weird going from a two-lined stanza to a four-lined stanza than back and back again. It just felt weird for me or maybe that's just me. I think it is. Hmmmmmmm...
Okay, if I could help out with anything it would be one thing:
This line makes no sense as it has quite a large grammatical error on it. Can you see it? It's right there *points*. Still can't? Okay, I'll tell you. I think you meant wondered rather than wandered. I do hope you know the difference otherwise I would then have to tell you it and I've already wasted enough of your time making you read this.
But maybe that was my plan all along...
MWAHAHAHA!
-R.O.C.
Hi Kingolions,
I thought it was a pretty good poem! Didn't mind it too much! But here are some things that could use touching up:
I love the meaning behind the first two lines, but agreeing with the others, shorten the second. Maybe question it: "Why did they look through me?" Maybe something like that. I don't really understand the next two lines:
Some asked this: "How is glass lonely?" I don't get it either. And how does glass want someone there. Maybe your emotions have become a bit too mixed up in symbolism. But, I still like the sybolism. You could probably start comparing yourself to the transparancy of glass, not the loneliness of it.
I loved the 7th and 8th lines. I thought they were really good. A feeling of sadness there, greatly accomplished! The 11th line though doesn't quite make sense.
Glass can't really bend...may want to re-think that. But otherwise, I felt that is was really good. Maybe explain more how your like glass, that'll give the poem a greater sense of depth that I think many of us may like, and it'll put more understanding and emotion into the poem. Good work! Best wishes for the future!
love love love love love love love love it. end of story.
Oh my! I can sense a feeling of rejection here. Its good that I understand how you feel. HOWEVER, this poem can be more effective if you polish some words that speaks about your emotions. It would be a nice poem after if you do that,!
First I like the concept, and I haven't read any of the other reviews so sorry If I repeat them. I like how you compared him to glass. (For some reason I feel like it is a him) But you don't seem to be able to keep it throughout the whole poem.
I think you could really expand on this poem.
Hope I helped, A. S.
A haunting beginning, but we can improve it. Line two "I wondered...through me." can be rephrased and shortened to make it meatier and more powerful.
I don't quite understand how glass can be lonely, so it makes me question the comparison. And while I realize that you wanted to preserve the use of glass throughout the piece, it would make more sense to use something more...well, sensible. The tense-change in the middle of the stanza from past to present threw me off. And the last line is awkward to me.
*1: Notice that I inserted a word at the beginning. It makes for a smoother transition between statements and questions. I think you'll approve.
*2: It's awkward. Maybe it's the word "foul". Just try changing it around, but if it doesn't work for you, then so be it.
Cute and haunting. No complaints.
My favorite stanza. It's meaningful and deep. Keep it. It actually sounds like something religious.
Altogether:
I don't really have much to say about it... It was good poetry. Just fix the comma explosions and take into consideration some rewording in a few places and it'll be golden.
-Lumiface
Phoenix lands to review
I saw the faces of those I knew.
This seems a bit wordy in comparison to the rest of the poem. I think you can simplify it.
I think you can expand on this idea with other lines. Right now I don't really see it.
Okay this is good but I think you can expand on the imagery a little more. This will probably make the piece a little longer but it will make things more clear.
Hope I helped.
Phoenix flies away