This isn't that great, but though I could get some help to make it better.
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A single leaf falling from the tree,
burning with all the pain and misery.
Settle down upon the ground,
and let burn everything we have learned and found.
Why would we need the way of old,
in a world so gray and dull and cold?
But why not thrive in the golden flame,
and change our lives to be differently the same?
Feel the warmth of the destructive power,
of the wild, raging, dancing flower.
Watch as it just burns away,
all of what we were today.
The fire is our willing act,
that we are free from all we lack,
so we burn the world with our furious blaze,
and hide in it's forgetting haze.
One by one we burn away,
and lay in peace for another day.
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Hey king,
First thing that bothers me here is the punctuation. You've got quite a few commas in places where they're not needed, which breaks the flow of the poem when I read it. Punctuation in poetry isn't different from punctuation in prose, so don't feel forced to add commas before each line break that doesn't involve a period when you normally wouldn't: you just make your sentence sound choppier than it should be.
Second, thank you for sticking to a rhyme scheme :P Just try to not force your lines into weird shapes in order to get said rhymes, because lines like this:
only sound very awkward and don't mean anything. "Differently the same". Quite.
Same here. All I can think when I read this is "what?". Remember, clarity is important: if the reader simply doesn't get it, there's little chance he/she will keep going.
The way you move from the "burning with all the pain and misery", which is pretty abstract (and also not feelings I would associate with fire, myself) to the more angry "let burn everything" and then wham! "golden flame" and "dancing flower" is way too haphazard. I'd suggest making the transition smoother, because right now it feels like you've just taken the first fire-related imagery you could think of and threw it together without thinking about how it interrelated.
Hope this helps.
Jag
Hey King,
LOVED THIS! You said before the poem that the poem wasn't great. I think you're better than you think you are! This poem was AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL!
I loved this! The message and story really got smoothly across to me. And this is the first rhyming poem of yours I've read and I loved the rhyming. I thought it fit the poem beautifully and didn't take away from the true meaning of what you were trying to say.
I also have to say I loved the warm visuals. I especially loved the third stanza. I don't think you need help to make it better, I think its just about the best it can be! Loved it!
Please write another one like this! Best wishes for your future writing!
RedLeaf
hello.
I think this poem is awesome. I really got the message. Well, who would want to live in a cold dull world? And the rhyming is so perfect. the words, well chosen.
I thought overall this was really good. I like how it begins kind of a more gentle feel, but then grows in power as it gets to its middle, fading a little again as it ends. The only real thing that I have a complaint about is the lines
These really don't rhyme, so it threw off the rhythm that you'd created. Find something that maintains that rhyme scheme while still portraying the story of the poem. Think...what rhymes with power that could also add up to fire? I know "red flower" is a term sometimes used. Just a thought.But anyways, I thought this was creative and cool.
~the StoryWeaver