Many times I have heard before,
that sound which makes me shiver.
It is like a chilling wind,
that rushes down my spine.
It is a voice so soft and sweet,
I knew it right away.
But no matter what I ever did,
I can not hide my fear.
She is the one I cannot shake,
she follows my every step.
I tried to undo the mistakes I've made,
but she does not heed my word.
Never have I had a rest,
from her torturing glare.
I've done all that I possibly can,
but she still haunts my nights.
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
I like how you chose to express yourself in this poem--audible instead of visual characteristics are a nice change.
I'm going to go against the crowd and say that I didn't always like the switching of tenses. Perhaps its because I'm a fiction writer mainly and the "you can't switch tense" has been ingrained in me, but there were points when it really annoyed me. The main point was in the line "I can not hide my fear" Firstly, cannot is one word, and second, the swtiching of tenses is one sentence really throws me off. In the rest of the poem, its OK, but at this point it sticks out.
That said, my only other problem was that you didn't have much imagery, but I couldn't really tell you how to fix that. Just keep editing; this is a nice start!
This is a really cool poem. I like how you combined present and past tense. I also like how you combine both love and fear for the same person. It has a very mysterious quality which keeps you thinking after you have read the last line. I am going to look for more of your work because you are very talented, according to this.
Ashlyn
Hey kingolions!
I really enjoyed this poem. I like how you introduce the haunting voice at the start and the way you tell us about it. Beautifully written with, what I saw, no grammatical or spelling errors which I do come along often on YWS. Fantastically imaginative! You continue to amaze me with you astounding work! No 'constructive' criticism needed
This is going down on my 'LIKE' list
Keep up the wonderful work!
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter
Cool poem, maybe PM the inspiration. Grammatically clean, I like it. Scary too.