Your in the middle of the forest. Waiting in your little shelter. You just have received a gift from this mysterious person. You still don't know who it is, but what you do know is that he or she is trying to help you. The next morning you rush to the town with a coat and your hood up, so people won't know who you are. you know you have been on the news, but people still don't' know who you are, or what your purpose is.
You rush into the grocery store get some lunch meat, bread, and some water. You also get some candy and chips. You ask the one of the workers for a basket.
"May I please have a basket?" You ask as nicely as possible.
"Yes, of course you can." She replied as she handed you a basket.
You saw her name tag, her name was Amber. You put your things in the basket and say thanks to Amber.
You walk to the other end of the store with you hood still up upon your head. You slowly walk out the exit, and as you do the alarm goes off, and you hear people yelling.
"Catch her!" And "Don't let her get away."
But you do. You run, run, and run, until you get into the forest. Once you enter, you watch from behind the trees, and see the police running into the store.
You made it out, with more food.
Good, you think. The police never think to check the woods. You walk back to your shelter, and when you get there, you make yourself a sandwich, and get some chips. As you eat you think about what you remember about yourself, because after your parents died you don't remember much.
You make a list of what you remember.
Your a criminal.
Your name is Irene.
Your parents are dead.
Someone is trying to help you.
The police are chasing you.
That seems to be it. You haven't figured out when you were born or what your birthday is.
You try and think hard about what life was like before your parents death. But still, you don't remember anything. You don't know how your parents died, or why they did die. All you know is that their dead.
Your scared, and alone in the woods with some creep who seems to know a lot about you. You wonder if this was an old friend. Or maybe someone who knew your parents.
You don't remember much about your parents. Nothing really at all. You know a brief description of what your mother looked like, but you don't really know much. Everything is a blur. You know you were hurt somehow when your parents died. You ran from the hospital, which you don't remember much about either.
You decide to take a short walk through the woods. You go to a nearby creek and watch deer pass and run through the woods. One stops and looks at you straight in the eye.
"Hello little guy." You say as you hold your hand out. The deer starting to come over until you heard gun shots. The dear ran one way and you ran the other. Running for your life thinking someone was after you. You get back into your shelter and see a note. All it says is.
Don't be afraid, I'm here to help.
You don't know what this note means, or who it's from. There is no name on it. You think it's the mystery person. But you don't know for sure. You continue to wonder who this man or woman could be. As you do you fall asleep. That was it.
***
The next morning you awake and see the sun shining bright in your eyes. It was a dreamless night, and you felt like you only slept and hour. You think about the note you received last night when you were running from the gun shot.
Was the gun shot a distraction so you would come back and find the note, or was it a coincidence. You wondered this for the rest of day. you stuck to your morning routine, except today was a little different, you were in the mood for a Starbucks latte.
You walk into Starbucks.
"Hello, how can I help you today?" The lady says.
"Can I get a peppermint Latte please?"
"Yes, of course." She says. "That will be 3.99."
"Um..." you reply. Then you notice her name was Amber, and you remember the lady from the store.
You hear your name get called and quickly grab your drink. You run away as quick as lightning, scared that the lady knew who you were.
You wonder if this could be the woman, who is trying to help you, but probably not. You don't know for sure, but you assume it isn't.
What if it is though. You think. The mini argument goes on in your head as you keep running. You make it back to the woods, and drink your latte in peace.
You continue the mini argument, in your head. Then out of the blue you hear footsteps.
You hear someone running through the woods. You close the little door to your shelter, but watch from the window. You hear whoever is running step on leaves and twigs. Your scared, but know it's probably just a deer or rabbit. You look below and you see someone.
"Hello?" she calls. "I swear there was someone here." She mumbles to herself, but you hear her say it. She walks away slowly not even noticing your shelter.
Phew, you think. That was a close one. You lay down after you finish your latte, and go to sleep. You take a little cat nap.
***
Your still asleep, but wake to the someone running in the woods. You hear someone knock on your shelter.
"Hello?" She said. It was the same voice as before. She found your shelter.
You didn't respond to her "hello". Maybe she was good, or the woman who was trying to help you.
You hear more gun shots and the woman runs away screaming in fear. You are scared and close the window hoping no one sees you inside your shelter. Your worried this woman will come back, but even more worried about these mysterious gun shots that have been going on for quite some time now. You lie back down in your bed and slowly doze off, for another dreamless sleep.
End of chapter
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139,268 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
HEY DOGSSS!!! me here for another review...
okay so first let me thank you for linking me to this story of yours.
I really like the style in which u wrote this little piece of your awesome yet-to-be-told story. I'm really glad i read this
THE concept of giving your character amnesia though is ot something new, i like the way you used your creativity in what you wrote. one can tell by reading this chapter that u really know what you r doing:)
UH... i've got a couple of nitpicks for u... here it gore...
u should put something after lunch, maybe a colon or a hyphen. without it it seems a little bit speed up.
also the 'the' over there is unnecessary, so u might want to eliminate it.
by 'their' did u mean they are?
uh, u accidentally spelled 'deer', 'dear'.
this was rather a confusing line. u wanted to say "as you fall asleep" right?
correct me if i'm wrongthat's all about the nitpicking...
n here is a suggestion you should use more good formats... using italics and bold's or maybe different types of aligns in different places, makes your work look more interesting... u should use it (((jus a suggestion though., no need to take it *shrugs* )))
for eg: (you could put the note in italics, it will make it look different from the rest of the text n make it stand out.
Don't be afraid, I'm here to help.
so yeah thats all for now...
~DD
Okay thanks so much!
~Dogs
Hey there. Fantasy here for a review! I really liked that you used second person point of view, since that isn't something you see very often in a book. The plot is very interesting, and it left me wanting to find out more. I'm especially intrigued with this Amber character. Something tells me she may be important later on.
One thing I noticed was that you began a lot of sentences with 'You'. I know that the word is used often when writing from this point of view, I'd suggest changing the beginnings of some of the sentences so it doesn't sound repetitive.
"You don't remember much about your parents. Nothing really at all. You know a brief description of what your mother looked like, but you don't really know much. Everything is a blur. You know you were hurt somehow when your parents died. You ran from the hospital, which you don't remember much about either. "
In this bit, you state many times that the character doesn't remember much about their parents. It's totally up to you if you want to change it or not, but personally I felt that repeating it wasn't really needed.
"You wondered this for the rest of day. you stuck to your morning routine, except today was a little different, you were in the mood for a Starbucks latte."
Nothing too big here, you just forgot to capitalize the 'You' after that first sentence there. I didn't see this anywhere else, so it was probably just an oversight. Also, more of personal preference than anything else, I'd like to know more about this character's morning routine, if only to get to know them a little better.
"Your still asleep, but wake to the someone running in the woods. You hear someone knock on your shelter."
I think here you could get away with just saying 'you wake to the sound of someone running in the woods'. It works whether you change it or not, so that's your call.
I really did enjoy this a lot. I like how unique it is and the plot is already really compelling. This chapter was really well done, and I'll definitely be reading more.
Hope this was helpful!
-Fanty
Thanks so much. I'm glad you liked it. By the way, you will find out that Amber will come as a very important character. I discontinued my other series Living Nightmare for this because I wanted to see what you guys would think of this series, because I've actually decided to make a littlest pet shop video on it on YouTube. Everything is on my wall if you want to find out more. (Yes I play with toys... Don't judge xD)
Hi, I am here to give you a great long review. Oh and if I say anything that is rood in this review please tell me because I don’t mean to be rude at all.
I like the characters so fare to I like there different personalities. I know if all of your characters had the same personality's people will just think the story is lame and boring. So I think you are doing a great job with your story so fare.
Okay let’s get started with what I like about the chapter.
I like the name of the story I think so fare it soots what I have read so great choices of name.
Okay I am now going to start the review.
I think you can describe the forest just a little bit more.
I have all ready fixt every thing in here.
and it is the same with this one.
and the same here to.
Okay this is really good but I think you can describe a little bit more in some places in the chapter like the characters in your story I think you can add little decryptions about what they look like some times when one of them is done talking. If you struggle with description then get a photo from the intranet that is smiler to what you want to describe and then you copy that photo and it will help you a lot trust me.
And I think you can add some smell and touch to. But that was just a suggestion. Oh and don't get me wrong your story so fare is really good. I hope I helped you.
So that is all thank you.
From your new friend.
Thanks!
You are welcome and I will review your other chapter when I get the chains
see you soon bye.
Okay awesome! Bye!
Hi,
But I would put "your name is Irene" above "your a criminal")
Your writer's voice is young but maturing in a lovely way 
. You just need to watch out for redundancy and keep your character in reality: Where starbucks latte's are not that easy to steal and police officers might very well check the woods. >.>
Awesome story!
Lovely choice of perspective. I really like the way you say what you say, and how you are putting the reader right in there, but there are a few places that need a little ironing out, re-working, and extra thought.
These are some editing suggestions I thought might help (edits in parenthesis):
Edit 1:
You ask the one of the workers for a basket.
"May I please have a basket?" You ask as nicely as possible.
In a way you are preforming the action of asking for a basket twice. It's just a tad redundant. Try, (You see a worker, and in your nicest voice possible ask, "May I please have a basket?" )
"Yes, of course you can." She repl(ies) as she hand(s) you a basket.
Edit 2:
You walk to the other end of the store with you hood still up(). I shaved the "upon your head" part since it felt unneeded.
Edit 3:
You slowly walk out the exit, and as you do the alarm goes off, and you hear people yelling(:) (There should be colon here to connect what the people are yelling with this sentence.)
Edit 4:
Once (you're) (under the cover of the forest), you watch from behind the trees, and see the police running into the store.
(You made it out, with more food.) I would shave this, it's a bit redundant.
Good, you think. The police never think to check the woods.( Incorrect, police do check the woods sometimes. Better to say she hopes they won't check the woods. Or have her watch them until they leave, thankful they didn't check the woods. Something like that. ^.^)
Edit 5:
As you eat you think about what you remember about yourself.(shaved off the part where she mentions her parents death, you'll see why later).
(The list is so short it scares you: ) A colon here to connect this sentence to the list.
(The list is fine
(No matter how hard you try and think about what life was like before your parents death you can't remember.) (shaved off a whole sentence.) You don't (even) know how your parents died, or why they did. All you know is that their gone, and (now your all alone in the woods with some creep who seems to know a lot about you.) I connected two sentences here.
I know I edited this section a lot BUT I feel like this whole section flows much better if you don't mention the parents over and over again. Better to address one issue(i.e her parents death) once and clearly than to keep mentioning it over and over again in a similar way.
Edit 6:
The deer start(s) to come over until (you hear) gunshots .
Edit 7:
It is very unlikely that your character actually got that Latte without money...unless she had a little money? I couldn't tell if she stole it or not, but I do know you have to pay for your latte before they even make it. At least that is how it is at every starbucks I've ever been too.
Edit 8:
Then out of the blue you hear footsteps.
You hear someone running through the woods.
This is redundant. It would be better to say,
(Then out of the blue you hear footsteps.
Something,or someone, was running through the forest.)
Or something similar, instead of saying that you hear footsteps twice in two different ways.
I saw the same issue here:
You lay down after you finish your latte, and go to sleep. You take a little cat nap.
Better to combine the two, (You lay down after you finish you latte, and take a little cat nap.)
Edit 9:
Your scared, but know it's probably just a deer or rabbit. (That is until) you look below and you see someone.
Ending comments:
This story has a lot of potential. I certainly want to read more. Overall your grammar is fair, although I could nit pick over a few sentences that began with a lower case.
Of course my own grammar and writing is not always perfect. Take from this what you feel best helps you, and discard the rest.
Thanks so much for the review. Chapter two is out by the way, if you would like to give it a review!
I love how you made it seem like the reader was the person, using 'you' instead of names. It wrapped me in and I loved it!
Thanks. I'm really fascinated with second person (or using 'you' instead of I or she, he, it.) I recently read a couple books like that and I wanted to try writing one of my own.