Hello, dogsrule! Adrian here to deliver a review! Woah, another chapter. I am so happy! WE finally get to see more about Amber and her life at the boarding school! We get to take a peek at her life, and what is going on. It will be fun examining these characters! Onward with the review~
Wow, those kids seem mean. However, I do wonder how mean they are. Sure, they'll telling her that she doesn't belong-- but what else? Does the teasing ever get physical? Is Amer ever called names? Yes, she went to Miss Austin for help, but did she ever stand up for herself? Because one's way of reacting to such things like that is a great way to show one's personality! (Examples include: refusing to go to the head for a long period of time might show stubbornness. Trying to fix it on her own might show her trying out independence. Worrying that no one will believe her, that there will be no proof... might be a great show of anxiety or lack in self confidence. Little things like that give us some insight on the character.) So, adding some scenes like that before going to Miss. Austin might be a thing to consider.
"I don't care Amber, that's your own problem and if you feel the need you can go talk to the servant Andrea."
Oh man, she is unpleasant. Although, I do wish I knew how she said that. Did Miss. Austin say it dismissively, with a wave of her hand? Was she irritated, looking up from all her papers? There are several directions that phrase can go! Just something to think about.
One thing I don't understand is why that bullying scene is there. It doesn't really belong. It doesn't have an impact on the character that is shown, there's nothing about it to add to the overall story. It's literally just there. There are things you could do to that scene to make it really cool! However, it seems like it's there for the reader to pity the character, and nothing more.
"Hello?" Amber said nicely into the phone.
The kid just bawled. Unless that only lasted a short while, she's bound to be sniffling or something like that.
So, her cell-phone rang? Was it previously Mike's or are their numbers similar? Because I'm not sure how the hospital would be able to contact her by mistake, unless there was a misdial. Perhaps an explanation for that later? Because that is really interesting-- and if the story continues, maybe that can be something for the plot.
I actually had to talk with my mom about this one! (She works in the medical field.) There are now several things in a hospital setting that have to be pointed out if this story were to be realistic. For example: the way Pam greets Amber is has to be a little more professional than that. So instead of: "Hello. This is Nurse. Pam, from the hospital and I'm calling to talk to Mike." It would probably be like: "Hello, is this Mike [Mike's last name]? This is Pam, one of the nurses on the [ward here] at [hospital here.]" As soon as Nurse Pam hears that Amber is a minor, she would stop talking. (There's this rule with minors.) (Also, because of HIPAA, the nurse can only talk to certain people, and only give out certain information.)
"Mike's wife. Well. We figured out that Mike's wife Stacy is not dead. She's in a coma, and the doctors are doing everything they can. She's been in a coma for about thirteen years. She's alive because the machine broke and we didn't realize it, and the one of the other nurses peeked in and saw that she was breathing, but not a wake. And she said she was in a coma. I'm terribly sorry."
...they would have all lost their jobs if they realized she was in a coma and not dead. Like seriously, that's something you cannot afford to miss. If Stacy would have actually been pronounced dead, the hospital would have contacted the morgue. So, she would not have been hooked up to any machines or something like that.
Also, with her being in a coma for thirteen years, Stacy would not be here. All her long muscles would have curled up, and with no physical therapy while she was in the bed, it would be impossible for her to move or do things on her own. It would take a long while for her to be back on her feet, after thirteen years in a bed. (One thing, she wouldn't be in a hospital-- Stacy would be in an ECF, also called an Extended Care Facility. Hospitals are for fixing you up as soon as possible.) For her to be nourished (because after thirteen years with no food, she would be dead. The max time for no food is around 30-45 days) she would need to have a PEG tube, or a J tube.
There's a lot of things that need to be noted here, but that's all my mom could tell me. XD So, hopefully that helps.
Commentary in red.
Amber came down with packed bags as soon as she heard. She stared at the woman. Amber has never seen her mother. The woman "died" when she was a baby, so maybe something about, "she had only seen the woman in pictures." Or something like that. This is also a great place for description too! Perhaps describing Stacy's attire, the look in her eyes, the shocked look on her face...
"Amber." Stacy said Mike named Amber, so unless someone filled her in on that, Stacy would not know.
"Mom?" Amber dropped her bags and ran up and hugged her mom.
Nothing about the hug scene? Nothing around the relief, or emotions currently going on? We need that to see what is going on in the story, and the reader currently doesn't have that.
"Where's your dad? Mike?" Perhaps some weeping? Like, Stacy had never seen her baby up until then.
"War. he couldn't make it home."
"Well that sucks." That's literally her husband! There would be a stronger reaction than that! Like, he's at war. He could die. The strongest reaction she could muster up is: "Well that sucks."?
That's really what I have to say for this chapter! I hope that you will keep on writing, because you are improving!
~Adrian
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