"Free at last!" I called as I ran into the door after school. "What's all the excitement?" My mom asked. "Mom!" I said... "Today was the last day of school!" "Well okay!" My mom said. "I am going out to hang with my friends at the ice cream parlor!" "Okay." My mom said as I was running out the door.
***
Once I got to the ice cream parlor, my friends were all like... "What took you so long?" "We have been waiting for the past hour!" "Calm down!" I said. "It didn't take me that long to get here." "Besides I had to walk home from school today. Remember?" "Right!" "Guys guess what!" My friend Katie said. "So Mia..." "You know how you love the woods right?" "Yeah I said." "Well guess what. I was taking a walk around my backyard and I walked through the plants to water them and there it was a land. A totally different land. A forest." I need to see this!" I said with excitement! "Follow me Mia." Katie said. And I did.
***
Once I got to Katie's house she showed me the plants. When I walked through them I saw it. The land that I thought was fake. A land that was made for me. A land that had my name in the title. Katie told me to walk into the land. I did. "What should we name our land?" Katie asked. "I don't know." I said. About an hour later we came up with a name for our land. We decided to name it... Fantasy Land. We called it that because in the land well it was fantasy. There were unicorns and trolls, and all sorts of stuff with fantasy in the title. It's an awesome place!
***
I knew that one day I would end up in a new world in the skies. But I am not in the skies, so I knew the new world that I would soon find is here. My mother told me when I was little that when you die you will live in the skies and at night become a star and you can watch over every kid. My mom told me it would be the life. But I knew I was living the life right now. Maybe it wasn't in the skies and I wasn't a star yet, I was still me, in my land that was now my favorite place to be.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Lost Magic. Chapter 2.Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,270 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Hi It is me Tsunami again. Here with another review on you r great work. I hope you like it like all ways.
Okay lets start.
What I liked.
I liked the name of the story it is kind of cool and catchy. It was a good start for me to get to no some of the characters.
Nit pikes:
Okay I think if you wright the first paragraph like this it will be essayer for the reader to follow what is going on.
Characters: I like Mia she seems like a nice girl. Oh and her friend Katie She seems like one of those girls that don't like to me kept waiting for to long. I all so like Mia's mom she seems to be a cool mom.
Description: It needs a little bit of fixing up. Like the first paragraph it needs some description.
Like you could say this in steed.
Just something like that would help a lot.
Grammar: Is really good I checked and there was nothing wrong with it.
Spelling: It is the same with your spelling it is perfect. Great job!
Okay so that will be all from me for now. I hope you will keep on writing great work. I look for word to reading your next chapter, and I hope you have a great day/night. :d
Oh and happy review day.
From your friend Tsunami.
Hey dogsrule5!!
Nice start of your book! I really enjoyed all of the mythical creatures in this book. Also, you have to start a new paragraph when people are talking. I loved how you phrased the last paragraph, it gave so much detail. I will definitely have to keep reading to find out what happens in this magical.
Thanks for recommending this to me,
Jojoann1
I know. I wrote this when I was a not so good writer, so that's why.
Hey dogsrule5!
Nitpicks
Watch where you put your quotation marks.
Add in the red quotation mark.
Okay, so, I found your biggest problem was with dialogue. Be sure to to enter every time you have new dialogue to write.
Example:
"Mom, can I please go?" She begged her mother.
"No, I told you for the millionth time!" Her mother snapped back.
Got it?
This lacks emotion, and I crave it. What did she feel like when she saw this fantasy land she had come across? Be sure to include this things.
Another thing: vary your sentences! You have four paragraphs, and two of them start with "once I got there". Readers will think you have nothing better to replace it with, when in fact you do. I know it
Also, didn't she have multiple friends, not just Katie? Did they come with her? Add it in! Change it!
I think you should also work on description and imagery. What did the land look like? Stuff like that. Just add in what things looked like. Similes and metaphors are your best buddies, as well as big words.
I absolutely adore your title. Lost Magic actually includes the word magic without making it sound like it's a story for five year olds (I wrote a story called "Unicorn Magic"—everyone thought it was for a younger audience). Anywho, great job with that.
The last thing I have to say is positive as well, I like your last paragraph. It was so descriptive, and the belief in here of her mother thinking that you turn into a star at night when you're dead is amazing! I don't know if you made that up, or it's something you actually believe, but yes, that is actually quite interesting.
Great job, dogsrule5! Keep writing!
WillowPaw1~
PS - I won't be able to do the second chapter yet, I'm so very tired...
That's okay. I don't believe that when you die you go and turn into a star. I just made that up. I can't wait for you to read chapter 2. Also when you said Add in the bold. What does that mean I have never heard of that. Reply as soon as you can. Thanks!
Love dogsrule5
Ack, sorry! What I meant by add in the bold was add in quotes, that didn't get in there. Let me fix that...
Hi dogsrule5! If only you still had the rosieposie account you could continue your previous story.
But let's start talking about this story instead.
Title - I love it! Lost Magic? That sounds so intense and suspenseful. It drags the readers in to read it because they want to see what the lost magic is.
Grammar and Spelling - You're doing much better with this! You're definitely improving! You're doing great with spelling and grammar, and when I read it I didn't see any mistakes!
Suspense - There was a lot of it, and that's great! I can't wait to see what happens next in Fantasy Land!
Miscellaneous - Everything else was great! Good job dogsrule5!!!!!!
I loved this! I can't wait for chapter two! Keep up the great writing!
~Em101cats~
Thanks Emy u know how to make people feel good about their books
oh my gosh... omg.... oh my stars..... HOLY GUECAMOLY!!!
THIS IS FREAKING AMAZING!
Spelling: BEUTIFULY PERFECT!!!
Grammar: AWESOME SAUCE IN COOL BEANS!
Suspence: I cant wait for what will happen in Fantasy Land
Rating: (for starters, this is empresive!) 5 stars, and 9.5 out of 10!
woooooooooooooo!
continue with ur work young portal master! XD (sorry I was playing skylanders earlier so ya XD)
~puppys3117~
Thanks for the awesome comment. I will write chapter 2 of Lost Magic when I get enough points.
kewl beans
Hi pup remember that aguement we had with Em. What did we do that on, that was my work right because I wanted to show it to my mom for no reason but I couldn't find it
i dunno .-.
Okay well I figured it out. It it was my poem freedom.