Before you close the door you take one last glance at Marilyn. Tears are still streaming down your face like a rushing river.
“How is she?” Izzy asks as you approach her.
“I- I don’t know.” You say barely able to get words out.
“Oh Irene.” Izzy said hugging you tightly. “You know we should probably go, try and find shelter for the night. I know that nurse said we could stay here, but I think we should go.”
“But- But what if something happens to Marilyn. I want to be here.”
“Irene, look at me.” You turn to her making contact. “Marilyn’s going to be fine.” As Izzy says that your head turns away as your eyes drift to the floor. Staring at the white tiles wondering if Marilyn is really going to be okay. You wanted to believe she would, but something was telling you there is more to the story than what you are hearing. Marilyn seemed on edge when you were talking to her. She seemed scared as if you were someone she didn’t know very well. Her voice was shaky. It might just be you, but you weren’t sure. All of these thoughts were circling in your head.
You take a deep breath and look back at Izzy. Her expression is now a frown. “Come on Irene, let’s go.” She says.
“Fine, but first thing in the morning we are coming back.”
“Okay.”
You and Izzy walk out of the hospital and head to your car. Izzy drives. You find a small shed nearby and you decide to stay there for the night if it’s vacant.
It was vacant. It was very old with only one bed, but you were going to have to make do with what you have. You tell Izzy to have the bed while you get out some food you brought with you. You weren’t planning to spend the night in a shack, you were really planning to only be in Pennsylvania for a few hours then leave. You continue to pull out the food and drinks from your bag and you give some to Izzy. You got some for yourself, but you weren’t really hungry.
Izzy got into the bed. “Irene you should take the bed.”
“No Izzy. Just got to sleep I’ll be okay. I promise.”
“If you say so.” Izzy lays down and after a few minutes she is asleep. You are still sitting with a water bottle half gone. You turn your head to look at the door, which you had locked. Someone had put a lock on it when they had owned it. You were just staring at the old wooden door thinking about Marilyn and what you had put her through. Words and phrases were circling through your mind no way of them escaping your head. You had to know if Marilyn was alright, but you didn’t want to leave Izzy. You were still uneasy about leaving the hospital. You try reassuring yourself everything will by alright, but nothing’s working.
“Marilyn will be fine.” You kept whispering over and over again. You were saying that, but all the bad thoughts were still in your head.
***
The next morning you were still awake. You look at your phone which only has fifty percent battery left. The time says nine. You don’t want to wake up Izzy, but you were still worrying about Marilyn. You decide to go ahead and wake up Izzy.
“Izzy wake up. We need to go see Marilyn.” You say.
“Irene, what time is it?”
“It’s nine, come on.” You said trying to hurry.
Izzy got up but wasn’t fully awake yet. You grab your phone and your bag, and head out to the car Izzy following slowly behind. On the way to the hospital you eat a granola bar you had brought.
You enter the hospital Izzy staggering behind yawning. “Izzy come on. Pick up the pace.” You said letting out a slight laugh, but then going back to a frown remembering Marilyn.
“Okay, okay. I’m coming.” Izzy replied.
The lady at the reception desk told you that you could go visit for a few minutes. You carefully open the door to Marilyn’s room and walk in.
“Marilyn.” You say, your voice a whisper. “Are you okay?”
“Sweetie, of course I’m okay. What makes you think I’m not?”
“Well. I’ll explain later, once we are out of this hospital disaster.”
“Okay. Come here.”
You walk over to Marilyn as she puts a hand on your shoulder.
“Where did you go last night? You look so tired Irene.”
“Oh. Izzy and I found some shed thing and stayed there. There was a worn down bed, and I let Izzy get it. I didn’t get much sleep.”
“If you were worrying about me, there is no need to worry. I’ll be out of here before you know it and then we can get back to this mystery.”
“Marilyn. I’m not sure if I want you to help me anymore. Well I do, but I don’t want you to get hurt again… Because of me.”
“Oh darling. It’s not your fault as I said yesterday. I’m going to continue helping you no matter what the cost.”
“Marilyn. It’s not safe.”
“It’s not safe for you either. Irene we can do this. I’ll be okay.”
You turn your head and breathe in a deep breath.
“Marilyn please.” You saying letting out a tear.
“Don’t cry. I’m going to be fine. I’ll be out of here in two days. That’s what the doctor told me today. Once I’m out of here-“
You interrupt her. “Once you’re out of here Marilyn, you need to rest. You cannot continue helping until you are fully healed.”
“No sweetie. I’m going to help, and you cannot tell me not to. I’m an adult, plus I have to go back to New York and continue working, which is where I will continue to help you. Do you still have my number?”
“Yes, it’s still in my phone.”
“Good. Now the doctor will probably be back soon to check on everything. You should probably get going. You also need to get back to New York.”
“We are waiting for you.”
“You don’t need to take me home darling. Remember I came here to look for Adam when this happened, so I brought a car. I just have to go get it. It’s probably still in front of your old house. Once I get out of this hospital, I’ll get my car and get back to New York. I’ll be back before you know it.”
“Fine. But before I go, who do you think that person was?”
“Do you think it could’ve been Maya, Ivy, or Amber?”
“No it looked more like a man to me.”
“But the only men I know about are Toby and Adam and they are both on our side. Is there someone else you are not telling me about?”
“No, not exactly. Izzy and I aren’t exactly sure if Toby is on our side or Maya’s.”
“Oh no…”
“I know.”
“Well anyway, Izzy and you should get going. I’ll be back in New York in a couple of days.”
“Alright.” You say. You are still worried about this idea, but not as much as you were now knowing that Marilyn was going to be okay. “See you back in New York.”
“Bye darling.”
You take one last glance at Marilyn and smile. She smiles back and you exit the room closing the door gently behind you.
“How is she?” Izzy asks as she comes up beside you.
“She’s fine. She’ll be out in two days. That’s what the doctor told her. She told us to go ahead and make our way back to New York and she’ll meet us there in a few days. She already has her car because she came here to look for Adam instead of us coming. She told me that yesterday. You ready to get going?”
“Yeah, but I’m starving. On our way we are going to have to stop and get some real food instead of all those granola bars you brought.” Izzy said laughing.
“Okay, okay.” You reply. “Let’s go, I’m hungry too.”
You exit the hospital saying goodbye to the lady sitting at the reception desk. You hop into your car, putting your keys into the ignition.
“Where do you want to eat?” You ask Izzy.
“I don’t care, I just want food.”
“Okay, let’s just go see what we can find on the way. Fair?”
“Fair. Let’s hit the road.”
You start to drive and you stop at a Wendy’s and grab some things to eat.
A few hours later you are now back in New York. You just have an hour to go before you reach Izzy’s house.
It was not dark outside since you left late in the afternoon because you went to Wendy’s and you and Izzy were there for a couple of hours talking everything over while eating lots of food!
You were getting nervous. You were on a supposedly on a very busy highway, but no cars were on it. You hadn’t seen another car in about a forty five minutes. You were only fifteen minutes away from reaching Izzy’s house.
You finally reach Izzy’s house and when you stop the car in front of the curb another car speeds by barely missing your car. The car was all black, and looked the same as Maya’s car. You weren’t sure if that was Maya or someone else, but whoever it was, he or she gave you the creeps.
You turn off the car, but stay in it for a few minutes just to see if another car comes by. There’s no one.
“Come on Irene, let’s go.” Izzy says. “You need to stop being so paranoid. If you’re worried about Marilyn she’s all the way in Pennsylvania. Plus she’s still in the hospital, nothing can really happen to her.”
“Izzy, it’s more than just Marilyn I’m worried about.” You say exiting the car, and shutting the door as quietly as possible. Izzy unlocks the door and you both enter the house. All the lights are off and you see a shadow out of the corner of your eye. You turn to look, but there’s nothing.
Izzy’s right. You think. I’m just paranoid, nothing bad is going to happen. The door was locked anyway. No one is here but Izzy and I. Everything is going to be fine. I need to just stop being so freaked out about everything.
You come out of your thoughts, and see that Izzy has made her way into the kitchen. You follow her once again seeing something out of the corner of your eye. You turn your head quickly, but it’s gone. The shadow looked more human shaped this time around. You shrug your shoulders thinking it’s nothing and walk down the hall into the kitchen. You hang your jacket over a chair and put your bag on the table. Izzy has pretty much just invited you to live with her without even saying it. She didn’t have to really. You just assumed. Plus she did tell you earlier that you could stay with her as long as you wanted.
“You okay Irene?” Izzy asks looking at you confused. “You seem lost in thought.”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Okay. Want anything to eat or drink?”
“Just a glass of water is fine.” You reply staring down the dark hallway. No one turned on the light.
Izzy brought you the water you had asked for. “Here.” She says.
“Oh um… Thanks.” You reply nervously.
“Irene, are you sure you’re okay? You’re acting so weird all of a sudden.”
“Yeah, I’m good.”
“If you say so. I’m going to run upstairs and put my bag in my room. I’ll take your bag too.”
“Okay, thanks.” You say. You didn’t want Izzy to leave you with the fear that something would happen to her, but there was nothing to worry about. You were in her house, plus the doors and windows were locked.
You watch Izzy go down the hallway and turn the corner to go upstairs. As she starts going upstairs, you see a flash of movement running across the hall that Izzy had just turned down. You wanted to follow it, but you were scared to. It could be anyone or anything.
You slowly get up and creep down the hall. You have two choices. You can turn left and go upstairs with Izzy, or you can turn right to follow the person or thing. You turn right. Slowly you make your way down the hall and into a doorway. You know that leads to her basement, you know its’ a dangerous route, but you go anyway. You don’t want Izzy to get hurt like Marilyn. You don’t need to deal with another incident like that.
You stand at the top of the stairs trying to breathe quietly. Your heart is beating so fast you can hear it and if as if it’s about to explode right out of your chest. You start down the stairs making sure every step is quiet. You don’t want the person to know you’re following them. From the bottom of the stairs you see a flash of movement running across the basement.
Izzy has a basement where you can either turn right or turn left.
You begin stepping faster as you continue down the stairs trying not to make a sound.
You turn left at the end of the stairs. That seems to be where the movement was going when it ran across the bottom of the stairs.
You see the back room of their basement, and the door is cracked, as if the person didn’t want to know he or she was in there. You peak through the door, and notice as someone turns. He or she must have heard you.
Startled, you quickly move away from the door and curl up in a ball under the stairs. Your head sitting on top of your knees. The position wasn’t very comfortable, but you knew that if you moved, he or she would see you. You cannot get a good look at the person.
The person starts to get closer and closer to the door. You watch them with every step they take. You shift your eyes up, so you can try to see their face. You cannot see. It is too dark. You wonder where Izzy is and why she hadn’t called to you. You didn’t want to leave her alone, but you had to know who this person was.
The person says nothing, and makes no sound at all. You notice as the person is two steps away from you. If the person notices you it’s over. You would lose the game. If though, the person doesn’t see you, you still have a chance of winning.
You continue staring at the person trying to see their face, but it’s no use. It was way too dark, you could barely see your hand in front of your face.
You notice as the person takes out something from his pocket. It was some sort of weapon. You couldn’t see what it was, but you knew it was a weapon. One wrong move and you’ll be dead faster than lightning.
The person keeps turning their head knowing they are not the only one in the room. They look high and low still not seeing you. Finally the person gets on his hand and knees and looks dead at you. Luckily you were wearing all black that day so you may not be seen.
Your heart was beating faster than ever, your hands starting to shake. You were so tense. You weren’t moving even though you were in the most uncomfortable position. The person is still looking right at you. The person finally lifts up what he has in his hand points it in your direction. You don’t know if the person sees you or not. You figure he does and its game over. You manage to take a glance at the person and you notice it’s the man in black, the exact person who hurt Marilyn.
The person slams down the weapon on the ground and it hits your foot. You are trying not to scream in pain. Your head moves and now you think the person knows your there. The person stands back up and moves towards the stairs. You hear the person’s footsteps on the hard flooring once they are upstairs. The last thing you hear is a door closing and you know that the person is now gone.
You take a deep sigh of relief and your foot is throbbing.
“Irene.” Izzy calls, “where are you? Did you just come inside?”
You didn’t want Izzy to know where you were. Mostly because you didn’t want her to know you were hurt. You stay silent.
“Irene, please stop playing games. You’re scaring me.” Izzy calls once again. “Irene stop. I don’t like this, just please come out. Irene please.”
You finally cannot take the pain anymore and let out a small cry. You hear Izzy running towards the basement.
“Irene are you down here?” She calls. She turns on the light and you are still in a ball underneath the stairs. Izzy finds you. You are into tears you were so scared, and in so much pain.
“Irene what happened?” Izzy asked.
You were too scared to say anything at this point. Izzy reaches out her hand and you come out. You and Izzy hug each other tightly never wanting to let go.
“Izzy.” You say. “Someone was here. Inside your house. I followed them and, they came down here so I followed them and they were in the back room, and I don’t know what the hell they were doing, but they dropped their stupid weapon on my foot.” Your voice was shaky with fear as you couldn’t explain no more about what had happened. Izzy helps you upstairs and wraps your foot up in bandages and gives you crutches she had used when she had broken her leg. You were lucky to have Izzy. She was a year older than you meaning she was eighteen years old. She had her own house, it was a fairly good sized house and you didn’t know what you would do without her.
The next morning you explain to Izzy what happened in as many details as you can.
“We should tell Marilyn.” Izzy said.
“Yes, we can tell her tomorrow when she gets back.”
“Shouldn’t we wait though? I don’t’ want to spring that on her right when she gets back. Is she coming here?”
“I don’t know Izzy. She will probably just go home. She lives in another city.”
“Well she might stop by, my house is on the way isn’t it.”
“Yeah, I guess. I don’t know. Let’s just see what happens.”
End of chapter
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Hey dogsrule5,
Shady here with a review to help rescue your lovely chapter from the Green Room! I haven't read any previous chapters, so forgive me if I critique something that would make sense in light of having read previous chapters -- but I will do my best to offer helpful feedback nonetheless!
Okay, so the very first thing I noticed is the use of "you" say and notice and do. It's interesting. I don't think I've read anything else that does it quite like that -- but I must say, I don't quite love it. Having a first person narrator works because when you say "I" in the case of the narrator my mind translates it to me and so I can focus better.
But the "you" here kept pulling me out of the story because I generally think of "you" as being someone else, and it's something I say. So I dunno, it's an interesting choice. I just personally am not a fan of this style of writing I suppose.
You might want to think about rephrasing this. In an every day sort of scenario someone repeating everything makes sense -- but you need to remember that we as the readers just heard literally all of this in the other room, so there's no point in repeating it all here a few lines later. Maybe find a way to shorten it into a summary?
"She's fine. She'll be out in a few days and plans to meet us in New York as soon as she can. You ready to get going?
Or something.
Why did she wait til the next morning. You mean to say that with as freaked out as she was, she somehow felt safe enough to fall asleep, knowing that there was this mysterious creature prowling around inside the house?
~ ~ ~
Overall, this was a good chapter. I of course don't really understand what was going on, but it was very tense and dramatic. Lots of "what's going to happen?" thoughts. I think maybe making Irene more consistent as a character would be good. I mean she's terrified and paranoid -- and then all of a sudden she's chasing a creature into a pitch black basement. Why not call to Izzy? Why not run away?
Hope this helps!
Keep writing!
~Shady
Thanks for the review! Though it would help if you read the other chapters, but I appreciate the review!
Hey there! Moalex here for a review for Review Day. Now I haven't read your other works so I won't get into anything such as plot or development.
To be honest, I'm actually unfamiliar with second person point of view so it felt really weird to be reading this style. I'm more familiar with first person and third person point of view. I can safely say though that your grammar and world-building needs work. Primarily comma's and past/present tense. Go back and proofread your work. I'm sure you've had nitpickers help you point out some that need changing in your other works, but you have to be able to identify them on your own.
As for the world-building, I see that you have a lot of leaps.
For example: "Izzy got up but wasn’t fully awake yet. You grab your phone and your bag, and head out to the car Izzy following slowly behind. On the way to the hospital you eat a granola bar you had brought.
You enter the hospital Izzy staggering behind yawning. “Izzy come on. Pick up the pace.” You said letting out a slight laugh, but then going back to a frown remembering Marilyn.
“Okay, okay. I’m coming.” Izzy replied.
The lady at the reception desk told you that you could go visit for a few minutes. You carefully open the door to Marilyn’s room and walk in."
Notice how absolutely nothing happens here. Okay, we woke up in the morning and went to the hospital. Apparently, I ate a granola bar on the way and that we're only given permission to visit for a few minutes. Why is this? Is this character build-up? Is the Granola bar a signature snack of mines? I don't know, but do let me know if this is something that was mentioned in the previous chapters.
Let me give you an example of how I would have written it if this was meant to provide character build-up.
"The next morning we gathered our belongings and went to the hospital to visit Marilyn. It was a bit of a struggle, you had a hard time waking up Izzy, but you somehow managed to at least get her into the car. According to the lady at the reception desk, you only had a couple of minutes before the doctors conducted their daily checkup.
"Izzy come on, pick up the pace," you say letting out a slight laugh. but then going back to a frown remembering Marilyn.
"Okay, okay, I'm coming," said Izzy."
In the way that I wrote it, we skip the whole "entering the hospital," and we skip the whole granola bar thing. Instead, the reader or "me" have an immediate idea that we went to visit Marilyn in the hospital. We still know that Izzy was still sleepy and now we know why we only have a couple of minutes to visit Marilyn. Followed by telling Izzy to pick up the pace, a sense of rush and urgency to make do with the little time they had to speak with Marilyn.
That's just my personal opinion, it's up to you to decide whether you want to take the suggestion or not and make changes.
That's all I have to say about your chapter, good luck and keep writing!
Thanks for the review! About the part of the gronola bar. She doesn't know who she is (she lost her memory) reading the other chapters would've helped you understand that part, and the rest of the chapter!
Ah, so it is something that I should have known from previous chapters. Roger.
Yeah! People do that all the time! I'm not offended by it or anything just letting you know