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Unsafe ~ Chapter 6

by dogsrule5


A/N: Sorry this took so long for me to post this chapter. I've just been very, very busy with school, and being on the swim team! I finally had time to post chapter 6. Most of the chapters up to 13 are written I just have to find time to edit and post them. Anyways I hope you enjoy this chapter. If you need to go back and re-read chapter five here is a link. Thanks for understanding! 

https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=131256

You run back to Toby's to tell him about Izzy. You run into his bedroom. It's now five A.M. You run by Toby's bedside not caring about what the clock reads.

"Toby" You say, "Wake up."

"What time is it?" He asks sounding sleepy.

"Who cares there's something important we need to talk about and it can't wait."

"Fine. What's going on Irene?" Toby says as he sits up on the bed yawning.

You explain how Izzy moved away.

"What am I supposed to do about it."

"We should go to the police. They can help us track Izzy down."

"Yeah, that's a good idea Irene, but what about the fact, that this whole situation sounds like a movie were making. The cops aren't going to believe us."

"They will if we show them evidence."

"What evidence do we have."

"The fact that our parents are dead."

"That's not evidence that's just a fact. Again the police are going to think were pulling some stupid prank and then we will be in more trouble than we already are. You see what I mean. Irene we can't go to the police."

"Well then how do you suppose we find Izzy, because I'm not about to go talk to Amber about it."

"Good point. There has to be someone who knows about you and why you're a target other than just Amber."

"No... Only Amber and Izzy would know that. Plus as far as Izzy knows, I don't know she's helping Amber."

"If she's even helping Amber."

"Oh, so you're siding with Amber now. You know what, forget it. If you're not going to help, then I'll get the police to help. At least they'll do something other than sitting around arguing."

"Look, Irene, I'm sorry. I just don't have a good feeling about your idea."

"Well I do, and it's happening... With or without you."

You run out the door and run to the police station. You run inside the building.

The man at the front desk is on the phone you listen as he says...

"911 what is your emergency?"

You wait patiently at the front desk until he gets off the phone. You see police officers running down the halls as your waiting.

After a couple of minutes, he gets off the phone and looks at you. He smiles.

"How can I help you today miss?"

"I need to speak to an officer immediately."

"Alright, I will go find an open officer, who's able to talk, in the meantime, can you sit over in those chairs and wait."

"Okay, thank you." You say as you walk over to the two chairs. You're sitting next to someone. You don't know him, but he seems familiar to you.

"Irene?" He says.

"Yeah?"

"Oh my God. It's you. I thought I would never see you again after you ran from that hospital."

"Wait you know me?!"

"Yeah, it's me Adam! Don't you remember?"

"Sorry, after I ran from that hospital, which I don't remember, what happened. I lost my memory and I don't know how."

"Oh, well I know tons about you if you want to meet sometime."

"Alright thanks, but first I have to take care of something."

"Okay. Can I at least tell you something?"

"Sure, but make it quick, I think I have to go."

"Okay, Irene, before and while you were in the hospital you were my girlfriend."

You have no response. Then someone walks up to you.

"Are you Irene."

"Yes, that would be me. Why?"

"I'm Marilyn, I'm here to speak to you about your issue."

"Oh yes. Thanks. I'll be right there."

"I still have your number." Adam says. "I will text you then we can meet and you can learn more about yourself."

"Alright. Thanks Adam." You say as you stand up. You look at him and smile, then walk behind Marilyn as you are going to a private room to talk.

You walk into a small room, and Marilyn locks the door. Marilyn has green eyes with beautiful long hair.

"So, what's going on?" She asks as she sits down across from you.

You explain to her the problem, and how to find Izzy.

"Wow." Marilyn says. "That's some story, but we may be able to find Izzy."

"So, you believe me?"

"Yes, but I'm not sure if anyone else will. I will deal with this case by myself I guess."

Marilyn gives you a number. "Call this number whenever you find new evidence or news about your case."

"Okay." You say entering the number in your phone. You give her your number in case she comes up with evidence or finds out where Izzy lives. "Thanks so much Marilyn. How can I repay you?"

"Honey, I'm a police officer, you don't have to, it's fine. Just be careful out there."

"I will." You say.

You get up and walk out the door, happy that someone believed your story. You guess now would be a good time to tell Toby you told him so, but he's already upset with you, you know you shouldn't get him more mad.

You walk inside his house. It's been an hour since you've been home.

"I'm glad you're back." Toby says when you walk in. "I was getting worried."

"You don't have to worry about me Toby. I'm fine. Plus the police believed me. Marilyn's helping me try and find where Izzy lives. Also... I told you so."

"Irene, you're my sister, of course I'm going to worry about you."

"Look, Toby... I don't want you to worry about me. I don't need a body guard. I'm perfectly fine on my own, as you can see I'm still alive, and I've been on my own for at least a year. Is that not good enough... Do you think I still need a body guard."

"I never said I was your body guard. I'm just saying you need to be careful. You never know who's walking those streets outside. People like Amber could be anywhere. I just want you to be safe."

"I am safe."

After that kind of argument with Toby you start to walk upstairs to your room. Once you get there, you phone rings. You look at it, and it's Adam. You answer.

"Hello?"

"Hey! I was wondering if you wanted to meet up at a restaurant tonight?."

"Alright, sure. I'd love to. What time."

"I'll pick you up at six and then we can go somewhere to eat."

"Okay, see you then."

"Alright. Bye!"

"Bye!"

You're really happy you get to talk to Adam. Someone who knows enough about you. Toby doesn't answer your questions, but you know Adam will. You're excited to see him. You're hoping you and Adam can start dating again, and that he can tell you most things about you, and maybe you can come up with a conclusion of why you're Amber's target. You know that you will need to tell Marilyn about this... But you don't want to worry about that right now.

You begin to get ready for you date with Adam. You just dress casual, because that's what it seems to be.

***



It's now six and you hear Adam's car horn from inside the house. Toby looks out the window.



"Who's that?" Toby asks.

"A friend, I need to go now. See you in a few hours."

"Irene wait. Do you even know this guy? I mean since you don't remember anything."



"Not really, but before I was in the hospital and ran away he was my boyfriend. Well he still is. We met at the police station, and we are going out."

"Why? Irene this isn't safe."

"Adam's going to tell me about myself, now I have to go." You say as you start walking out the door.



You slam the door shut, and hop in the front seat beside Adam.

"Hey." You say as you are putting on your seatbelt."

"Hello. Where do you want to go to eat?"

"Anywhere, I just want food." You say laughing.

You walk into a Red Robin restaurant and wait to be seated. It's kind of awkward hanging out with Adam since he knows you, and you don't know him. You and Adam are just staring at each other not knowing what to say. Finally a hostess comes and seats you in a two-person booth.

You sit across from Adam while reading the menus. To drink you order a Coke and Adam orders a Dr. Pepper. You know what you're going to get to eat. Just a simple cheeseburger with lettuce. Adam was getting a cheeseburger with everything on it.

You finally ask your first question.

"I know this question is going to be stupid, but since you know a lot about me... I was wondering what my favorite color was."

"Oh, that's easy. It was blue. Not just any blue, but the blue that's the color of the ocean."

"So, ocean blue."

"Yep."

"I could live with that as my favorite color."

"Well Irene, your favorite color is for you to decide. Ask me a better question!"

"Oh, so that one wasn't good enough for you!" You say back in a playful mood.

"Just ask me a question. Come, we don't have all night."

"Alright, alright. But you may not know this one." You said getting serious. "How did my parents die?"

"I don't know. That's something you're going to have to ask your brother. Sorry."

"I figured you wouldn't know."

Your food comes and you both start eating.

"What's your next question?" Adam asks.

"How long have we been dating... Before all of this and the hospital incident."

"I'd have to say about seven to eight months."

"That long?!"

"Yes, and I never wanted to give you up. Irene, when you left that hospital that night, everyone thought you were dead."

"What. I still don't remember leaving though. That's the thing. Why would I have left?"

"I don't know, it doesn't seem like something you would do. I'm just curious about what happened to you after that incident. You're not that sweet, popular, nice, classy girl I remember."

"What do you mean?"

"You're different."

"Of course I am, I've been homeless for who knows how long, and trying to survive. Does that tell you anything. I'm a target Adam, for some idiot named Amber. I don't know why I'm a target, but apparently I am. That's what Toby says. Toby knows more than he's telling me, and I want answers and I want them now." You say with anger.

You get up from the table and leave the restaurant. You walk into the door of Toby's house and slam the door shut.

"You okay?" Toby asks.

"No, I want answer Toby. I know you know. Why aren't you telling me?" You scream. "I want answers, your not telling me enough. You know more than what your telling me, and I need to know. I need answers, and I need them now."

"Alright calm down Irene."

"No, I want answers. Now I'm going to call Marilyn and possibly get some answers."

***

You walk upstairs to your room and dial Marilyn's phone number into your keypad. You hit the talk/call button.

The phone rings for a few seconds then someone answers.

"Hello?"

"Marilyn, I really need to talk to you."

"Irene, I'm so glad you called. Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine, but did you find out where Isabella lives?"

"Yes. She moved into New York. I have the exact location, but it's about three to four hours away from your brother Toby's house."

"Well, it's worth going. I really need these answers. What's the address. Once I have it I will navigate it on my phone, and then follow it to her new house."

"She lives at 968 Paw Grove Drive, Buffalo, New York."

"Alright, I wrote it down. Thanks Marilyn. I will call you when I get there, then again when I have more information."

"Alright Irene. Be careful. Call me soon. Oh by the way I will call you if I come up with any more information."

"Okay, thanks. Bye."

"Bye Irene, be safe."

You hang up happy about knowing where Isabella now lives. You are going to New York, weather Toby likes it or not.

That evening while Toby was setting up a movie for you two to watch later, you were packing things in your suit case. You had cloths, your computer and charger. You phone charger, and the other things you will be needing.

"The movie is set up." Toby calls up to you from the bottom of the stairs.

"Okay, I'll be down in a minute." You say, as you hide the suitcase under your bed. You would leave tonight, when Toby's asleep. You think Amber would be in bed. Plus you have to find Izzy as quick as possible... Before things get worse that is.

You walk outside your room door shutting it behind you. You walk downstairs where Toby is sitting on the couch is a bowl of popcorn.

"I could smell the popcorn from my room." You say laughing.

"I figured you could. It does have a good smell." Toby replies. "So, what did Marilyn have to say? Did she find out where Izzy lives, because I would like to talk to her.?"

You didn't want Toby to go with you to Izzy's. You wanted some alone time with her. So you had to lie to Toby, and then tell him later after it had already happened.

"No, she didn't. I was pretty bummed out about that though. I really wanted to talk to Izzy as well. She's still searching, but so far... There's nothing."

"Oh, that's a bummer. Oh well, let's forget all of this and just watch the movie."

"Toby, this is serious, how can we just forget about it." You say.

"Can't we just relax. There's nobody here, but us, and I doubt Amber will come back. She thinks I'm dead right now, and she probably figures you ran away, so she's not going to come back here. You just need to relax."

"Who was I before?"

"What do you mean 'before?'"

"I mean, who was I before I ran from that hospital. Adam said I was someone different."

"Let's just watch the movie, and forget all of this for one night. Okay?"

"Fine."

"We will talk in the morning."

"Yeah... The morning." You say feeling bad that you won't be here.

After the movie Toby get's on the computer and you go back upstairs and put the last few things you need into your suitcase.

Twenty minutes later you hear Toby coming up the stairs. You quickly hide the suitcase under your bed again, so he won't know. You get on your phone and pretend to be playing a game.

"Hey, I'm going to bed alright."

"Okay, goodnight Toby."

"Night."

He walks away into his room and you watch as he closes the door behind him. You were already in your pajamas so Toby wouldn't suspect anything. You go to the bathroom down the hall and change into your clothes.

After about a half hour, you quietly go down the hall and look into Toby's room. He's asleep, but you know he's a light sleeper, so you will have to be very quiet. You get your suitcase from under the bed, and walk downstairs. You lock the door behind you as you get into Toby's car. You are now on your way to Izzy's. You don't know what's going to happen, but you know whatever does... You'll be ready.


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Tue Feb 14, 2017 2:35 am
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RossiRainCloud wrote a review...



Hi their dogs :) GoldenArrow here to review your work, okay I am sorry but this will have to be quite short because I am VARY busy this week so here we go. I really enjoyed reading this work and I Love love love! The names you are using for the characters because I have only read a few stories with some of these names in them so great job on that and their were only a few spelling or grammar problems but the others review's covered them :) ceep on writing dogs, and have an awesome day :)




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks so much @GoldenArrow! I really appreciate it!

Also I hope you have an awesome day too! :D





aww thanks :)



dogsrule5 says...


No problem!



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Wed Feb 01, 2017 12:04 am
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Dogs! Hello! It's been a while.

Sorry for the delay - you've already got 3 amazing reviews but I thought I'd jump in really quick to say a couple things.

I love how the plot is escalating and I like how we get to meet Adam. I'm sure there's going to be more drama about him in future chapters!

It's been a while, so I don't know if I've said this before, but I think that there really needs to be a few breaks in the long strips of dialogue. It's a bit hard to keep track of who is saying who when the dialogue goes on and on, so stopping to explain some things or add in some of Irene's feelings will help break that up. Adding some dialogue tags to the end/beginning of a piece of dialogue can also ease confusion from the reader. (Dialogue tags: "she said", "Ella exclaims", "the brown-haired boy commented with a sneer", "snapped Bradey", etc). Dialogue tags can also add in some extra description as to how the character said the sentence, which is quite helpful (for example, if they're angry, writing "barked" or "hissed" may work out!).

There's quite a lot of dialogue and I do wish there was more meat to it - simple things like "Toby squinted his eyes" can indicate suspicion and breaks the reader from dialogue. Though, I love how your dialogue sounds! I am so easily able to read out the sentences in my head. For example:

"Yeah... The morning." You say feeling bad that you won't be here.


This is awesome! I can totally imagine the way Irene says this.

"Okay, Irene, before and while you were in the hospital you were my girlfriend."

You have no response. Then someone walks up to you.


*gasp* Can't wait to see how this plays out. ;)

Good luck writing and please let me know when the next chappie is out <3

-EternalRain




dogsrule5 says...


I will totally let you know when the next chapters are out! I should be posting chapter seven shortly and will totally tag you when I mention it in the people section on YWS! Thanks for the review, I always appreciate your help! :D

~Dogs

P.S. It has been a while since we talked xD



EternalRain says...


Awesome, and I'm glad it was helpful :D

It has been a while



dogsrule5 says...


:D



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Sun Jan 29, 2017 10:05 pm
Dest wrote a review...



Well, this is the first story on YWS that I have where the audience is the character! It reminds me of those choose your own adventure stories. Anyway...

You run back to Toby's to tell him about Izzy. You run into his bedroom. It's now five A.M. You run by Toby's bedside not caring about what the clock reads.


A little choppy.

Suggestion: "You run back to Toby's house to tell him about Izzy. In his room, the clock by Toby's bedside reads five a.m, but you don't care about the time."

"Who cares? There's something important we need to talk about and it can't wait."


"Fine. What's going on Irene?" Toby says as he sits up on the bed yawning.


Is the reader, Irene? Or is Irene someone in the room also?

"That's not evidence that's just a fact. Again (comma) the police are going to think were (should be we're) pulling some stupid prank and then we will be in more trouble than we already are. You see what I mean. Irene (comma for direct address) we can't go to the police."



"No... Only Amber and Izzy would know that. Plus as far as Izzy knows, I don't know she's helping Amber.


Why do you need the ellipses? I could understand if after "no" it said, "you stalled." Otherwise, just put a comma after no and keep it moving.

You run out the door and run to the police station. You run inside the building.


This sounds very redundant.

Suggestion: "You run to the police station. The man at the front..."

The man at the front desk is on the phone you listen as he says...


"The man at the front desk (the police secretary?) is on the phone. You listen as he says, "911..."

You wait patiently at the front desk until he gets off the phone. You see police officers running down the halls as your waiting.


"Your" needs to be "you're." You only use your for possession.

How can I help you today miss?


Add a comma before "miss" for direct address.

"Alright, I will go find an open officer, who's able to talk, in the meantime, can you sit over in those chairs and wait."


I think this should end with a quotation mark. Even though it's basically an order, the officer still is asking if Irene can do that.

"Oh my God. It's you. I thought I would never see you again after you ran from that hospital."


Suggestion: "Oh my God. It's you! After you ran from that hospital, I thought I would never see you again."

"Oh, well I know tons about you if you want to meet sometime."

"Alright thanks, but first I have to take care of something."


Really? You lose your memory and someone offers to fill you in but you brush them off. Why is Irene so breezy? Did she have suspicions about Adam? Is she too busy to care?

This is really good. I wonder what the heck's happened to Izzy. Of course, this chapter can benefit from some details and Irene's thoughts. You might want to review your commas, too. As always, keep writing! :D




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks for the review!



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Sun Jan 29, 2017 9:47 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here for a review!

The thing that I didn't really notice off the bat is that this takes place in a second-person perspective, which is a little odd. Nonetheless, let's jump right into the review. We see that a lot of the chapter is filled with dialogue and not much else and I would like to see more substance outside of this. Sure we have the ending of the piece that happens to have more paragraphs but nowhere in the real chapter do we really get a place where there isn't dialogue going on in the story.

I would have liked to see you use more description and inner monologue because I think that just having dialogue is something that weakens the story that you have here. It takes us out of the mind of being the main character and I think things like description and atmosphere both have crucial parts in stories with a second-person perspective.

I think of it similar to poetry in that aspect because you're trying to immerse the reader into the story with sensory details and everything else of that sort that would make them feel like they're in the story. The dialogue that you use almost makes it feel a bit like a script and while it is the strength of the chapter because of the abundance of it, that's no excuse not to use other elements and aspects to make the story stronger. The plot at this point is interesting and leaves us off at a bit of a cliffhanger near the end with not knowing what Toby's going to do next.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks for the review!



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Mon Jan 23, 2017 9:07 pm
Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey there! Care for a review?

So it seems like you have a pretty intense plot going on here! There's people running away, memory loss, tension between characters- seems like a recipe for a gripping story! And it's only chapter six! I of course don't really know what's going on, but I thought this was pretty interesting, and I think you're off to a pretty good start! ^_^

"What evidence do we have."


I don't normally mention grammatical errors because grammar is definitely NOT my strong point, and grammar in the end isn't a huge deal when it comes to the story. But I saw this done a few times throughout this chapter, and thought I should mention it. In this line there's a period instead of a question mark. Whenever a character asks a question, the sentence should be punctuated with a question mark! c:

You run out the door and run to the police station. You run inside the building.


Again this is kinda nit-picky, but I think it's good to keep in mind for the future. Repeating things like certain words or situations can get boring to read, unfortunately, and in the case here it's actually a pretty easy fix! Instead of repeating "run" we just have to do something like this: You run out the door, to the police station, and inside the building. Sometimes making things a little more compact really helps sentences flow better too, which also makes it more enjoyable to read.

"Sorry, after I ran from that hospital, which I don't remember, what happened. I lost my memory and I don't know how."


I thought this was a bit... contradictory. I'm sure I'm just misunderstanding what the sentence is saying, but Irene is talking about the hospital and at the same time saying that she doesn't even remember the hospital or running from it... so it doesn't really make sense to me. I mean, I guess someone might have been with her and told her all of that, but it's still a little confusing. You may have explained this in previous chapters but I just wanted to point that out in case it was something you missed.

Now I love dialogue, it's a beautiful part of prose and it's so fun to read. But there needs to be a balance. If there's too much dialogue- or too much of anything the writing doesn't feel whole to me because there's things that we're not getting out of it. So what else can be in a work besides dialogue? Well there's descriptions and imagery- this is when you paint us a picture and set the scene: what's happening around the characters? What is the character's body language telling us? What are their facial expressions? Are they having this conversation over a cup of tea/coffee? Is one of them warming their hands on their coffee mug? Does the cop at the front desk have a strange accent and a moustache? Things like this might seem very small, but they are building blocks of the image that your readers are going to make of the story.

What else can we add besides dialogue? Well, how about some internal thoughts? What is Irene thinking? She just had a bit of an argument with Toby at the beginning, so how does she feel about that? These are things could be thinking about while she's on her way to the police station. Internal thoughts are really great because it can really develop the characters, and allows the reader to connect with them. Plus, internal thoughts are a great way for comedy relief- say for instance the MC has a thought about some guys hair looking like a poodle- that's a bad example, but it might make people giggle a bit and get in the same kind of mood as the MC.

All these sort of different things add up to be a narrative, and everything really works together to make an intriguing story. Though I get the feeling of liking writing dialogue- I tend to forget to write the other elements of a story and mostly focus on dialogue, too! XP And I'm not really saying write less dialogue, all I'm saying is add more to everything else so it's more than just the dialogue. :D But that's just my suggestion in any case.

One more thing: don't be afraid to use "he/she/they/you said" dialogue tags for your dialogue. The reason I'm saying this is because if there aren't those tags after a bit of dialogue, it can get really confusing as to who is doing the talking- especially when there's a lot of dialogue. So don't be afraid to repeat "he/she/they/you said" tags. That's one thing that is totally okay to repeat over and over and over again because confusion is a lot worse than repetition, trust me.

Anyway, I wish you the best with this story! I admire your motivation! Keep it up!!! ^_^

-Socks




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks you so much! I really appreciate the time you took to give this a read, a like, and a review! Thanks so much, and I will work on all these things in future works, and more chapters. I will let you know when the next chapter comes out! :D

I'm also glad you like the story! If you haven't I suggest you read the other chapters, to get more of a hint on what's going on! :D



Holysocks says...


No problem! C:



dogsrule5 says...


:D




One is not born, but rather becomes a woman.
— Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex