Unsafe ~ Chapter 12

by dogsrule5

Published March 10, 2018

12+

In My books

The next evening you are sitting on Izzy’s countertop in the kitchen. Izzy comes and joins you. You begin to talk about Toby and what side he is on when there is a knock at the door. There are still bandages around your foot, but you no longer need the crutches. You open the door slowly peaking your head out. Standing in the doorway is Marilyn.

“Hey,” You said merrily as you reach out and give Marilyn a hug. “Thank God you are alright. Come on in.”

“Who is it Irene?” You hear Izzy call.

“It’s Marilyn.”

“You’re kidding.” You hear Izzy as she jumps off the kitchen counter and runs to the door.

“Hi!” Marilyn says.

“Hey Marilyn,” Izzy replies.

“Irene, you have some explaining to do.” Marilyn says looking at your foot.

“Right.” You say nervously. “About that.” You glance at Izzy who gives you a nervous look.

“Irene, can we talk a minute.”

“Yes, I guess.” You reply.

“Be right back Marilyn.” Izzy says as she grabs your arm and hurls you into the living room.

“What?” You say.

“Should we tell her?”

“Well we kind of have no choice Izzy. She saw my foot.”

“Ugh, but shouldn’t we try to…” You cut her off.

“Izzy Marilyn can help, and we won’t let her get hurt again.” You whisper. “Now come on.” You start dragging Izzy out of the living room and back to the door.

“Girls?” Marilyn says. “What the hell is going on? The only way I can help you is if you tell me what happened. If you don’t, I’m useless to you.”

You look at Izzy then turn your head and make eye contact with Marilyn. You explain what happened prior to Marilyn coming.

“Oh my God. Please tell me you’re alright.” Marilyn says.

“I’m fine Marilyn, there’s nothing to worry about.” You reply.

“I better be getting back soon. I have to go back to work. I can continue to look for Adam where I live, while you can continue to look for him here.”

“Okay. Thanks for coming Marilyn.” Izzy says.

“Yeah, I’ll see you soon. Call me for information.” You say

“I will. You do the same Irene. No more secrets.” Marilyn says.

“Okay Marilyn.” You say.

Marilyn exits the house saying goodbye. Izzy closes the door behind her. It’s now evening the sun is setting. Since it was summer. It was about seven thirty.

Hours have passed and you and Izzy were just sitting watching a movie. You hear a car door slam outside. You turn your head to the door, then look at Izzy who shrugs her shoulders as if to say “I don’t know.” You get up and walk over to a window. Outside you see two people Toby is one, but he’s with some girl you don’t recognize. You can’t hear what they’re saying, but they’re talking.

You walk outside closing the door quietly. Luckily they don’t notice you. You can now hear what they are saying.

“Toby, we’re partners. You can’t be evil. You’re her sister, and to think you did so much to help her.”

“You did most of the helping.” Toby yelled. You’ve never heard him yell like that before.

“No Toby. You can’t do this to her. Not now. She’s been through so much.”

“Paige, listen to me. You can do what you want, but we never knew each other, you are no longer my partner, and I’m with them. They treat me better than you ever did.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Whose ‘Them,’ and we will always know each other? Toby come on. Why are you acting like this? This isn’t like you at all.”

“Maybe it’s because my own sister hates me, and her and my girlfriend don’t trust me at all.”

“I thought you said she wasn’t your girlfriend anymore.”

“I don’t even know what she is. All I know is that she hates me, and that she doesn’t trust me. That’s final, I’m against them now. There is nothing you can do to change my mind.”

“After all we did to help them, after all we’ve bene through you’re just going to leave me on the street, and treat me like some doormat. Toby. What changed you? What did they do?”

You’ve never seen this girl before. All you know is her name is Paige. She was before working with Toby. As you know Toby was the mystery person and if Paige was helping him then she must’ve been another mystery person. This thought was confusing you, but you knew it must be true. You continued to listen to their conversation.

“They aren’t the ones that changed me Paige. You are.”

“What?! What the hell did I do?”

“Irene used to be your best friend. Until Ivy came along and told you about her friends Amber, and Maya.”

“I know what I did, but I didn’t realize they were evil until they told me they wanted to kill you. Look Toby, that’s when I realized that the only way to win Irene back over was to help you. It was working so far.”

“Yeah, until I saw you getting out of that car with Amber. Then it all went down for me. I knew you really didn’t want to help Irene, you were just trying to get on her good side, or better yet my good side. You ruined me Paige. Why? Because you lied to me for years. I always believed you, I thought we were friends, but it turns out we weren’t. That’s what changed me.”

“I thought what changed you was the fact that you sister and your x-girlfriend don’t trust you.”

“Don’t bring that up. That may be one of the reasons, but I wouldn’t go crazy on my sister. You were the one that lead me in that position. I switched to evil to be with you. When Amber told me you were working for her. I wanted to be a part of that.”

“Fine, you got me. We were never friends Toby. You may be right, and won the battle, but you haven’t won the war.” With that Paige gets into the car and drives away leaving Toby behind.

Toby turns his head and looks at you.

“What are you doing?” He asks. “You weren’t supposed to hear any of that.”

“Thanks for giving away your secrets. What was Paige doing with you?”

“Do you remember her?”

“Yes, after you said she used to be my friend.” You say

“Look, that isn’t my fault.”

“Maybe so, but you didn’t have to turn against me because she did. There is more to this story than you’re actually telling Toby. I know you wouldn’t just change like that. I may not trust you, because of what you’ve done, but it’s hard to just have a change in personality like you did. Now enough about you. I know you had something to do with Adam’s disappearance.”

“What makes you think that Irene?”

“What the hell did you do with him Toby? I know you had something to do with it.” You scream.

Toby pulls out a gun and points it directly at you.

“Maybe I did have something to do with Adam going missing, but I’m not telling you. Maybe I know where he is. He’s in good hands. You have nothing to worry about. Soon he may be in a better place. That would mean away from you.” Toby leaves after saying that. You’re still standing there not know what to do. You don’t know if you should follow Toby or not.

Toby starts walking. You want to follow him, but you know you shouldn’t. You know he’ll shoot you. You have to find Adam before Toby gets there first. The problem is he could be anywhere, and the only people that know where he is… Are Amber, Maya, Toby, and Ivy. Possibly Paige, but you doubt it.

Memories of Paige are coming back as you stand outside watching Toby walk away. His gun is still out.

You hear a bang. It sounded like a gunshot. You look over at Toby, and he’s fallen. He had a gun, but he’s not the one that shot the bullet. The bullet hit him. You run over close to Toby, but not directly to him. You see a shadow running, and you follow it.

The person turns around the gun now pointing at you.

“I won’t hurt you.” You say.

“Irene.” The person says. You could tell it was a female voice. You recognize it.

“Paige.” You say. “Did you just shoot my brother?”

“I couldn’t take it anymore. He has to go. He turned against me, and you. We both know that.”

“Maybe so, but you didn’t have to kill him. Maybe I don’t trust him, maybe he’s a terrible brother, but I wouldn’t let him die, because I’m a good sister.”

You call 9-1-1 and the ambulance comes to pick him up. A police car comes after the ambulance has left. You hear the sirens, and run for the house. You get inside and explain to Izzy what just happened. Marilyn calls you, because she heard about what happened from the police station where she works and where you are. Apparently she just went straight to work, and she explained that when she was checking in and about to leave her boss called her, and told her about what just happened. Marilyn questions you over the phone, and you explain everything. Marilyn doesn’t say a word to anybody, but you and Marilyn both know that things are getting worse and worse.

You are pacing back and forth in Izzy’s kitchen.

You just wish that this could be happening to some other 17 year old and not you. You were almost 18. You turn 18 in two months.

There are millions of thoughts swirling around in your head, about Toby, Paige, Ivy, Amber, Maya, Izzy, Marilyn, and especially Adam. Once the police car leaves, you walk back outside and Paige comes up to you.

“You’re welcome for saving your boyfriends life.” She says. After that she leaves.

You now are aware that Paige must’ve overheard you and Toby’s conversation, and so she shot Toby so Adam wouldn’t die. You thought Paige was evil, now you weren’t so sure.

You run back inside and explain to Izzy why Toby was shot. Now while Toby is in the hospital, that gives you time to try and find Adam. You call Marilyn explaining what happened.

The next morning you go to the hospital and ask the reception desk to see the doctor taking care of Toby. The lady sitting there takes you to the doctor.

“Doctor.” You say.

“How can I Help you?”

“Is Toby going to be alright?”

“Yes, after his wound heals he will be out of here in no time.”

“Do you have any idea when he will be out?”

“Um… Probably in a week or two? Why do you know him?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, well a week or two.”

“Okay, thanks.” You say. You exit the hospital. You have one to two weeks to find Adam. That’s not a lot of time.

Then you start to think. There is more than one person that is capable of killing Adam. You think Amber, Ivy, Maya or even Paige could do it. You weren’t sure about Paige, but you know she is capable of doing so.

Worried you rush back to Izzy’s grab her hand, and pull her into the car.

“Where the hell are we going Irene?” Izzy asks.

“To find Adam, before Toby or his friends can get to him first.”

“Where are we supposed to look?”

“I don’t know, but he has to be somewhere.”

“We need clues Irene. We need to follow someone.”

You see a black car up ahead. The same car as Maya’s.

“Can we follow that?” You say.

“We can’t just follow a random car Irene.”

“That’s Maya’s car.”

“Then drive.”

You notice the driver in Maya’s car is on to you. They speed up, and so do you. You continue following them, and they stop at the entrance of the woods. You stop a few yards behind them, making sure they don’t see your car. They think you had lost them. You see them get out of the car, and start walking through the woods. You stop your car, and get out. You follow them, not knowing where they are taking you. 

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Vervain
Review
Vervain wrote a review Review · Mar 25, 2018

Hey there dogsrule! I haven't read the previous chapters, so I won't comment on your overall plot or characterization here, but instead I'll focus on your style, grammar, and voice.

So let's jump in!

To start with, your voice isn't very strong. You've got a lot of sentences strung together without anything really gluing them in place. Stuff Happens, but it doesn't seem to have an effect on the characters, let alone the main character. What is the MC discussing about Toby, exactly? It seems plot important, so write out the conversation, or add more details.

Moving on, you've got a serious case of talking heads. This is what happens when you have characters talk without really adding any actions or descriptions in between. They just seem to be talking and talking and talking... And nothing actually happens, and the reader has no reason to care. There's no emotional investment. Example:

“Okay. Thanks for coming Marilyn.” Izzy says.
“Yeah, I’ll see you soon. Call me for information.” You say
“I will. You do the same Irene. No more secrets.” Marilyn says.
“Okay Marilyn.” You say.
These are just four lines -- your entire chapter is like this. I heavily suggest going back and editing for talking heads.

On that note, edit your dialogue tags, too. Here's a nifty article on dialogue tags to help you understand their grammar and use.

A few more grammar notes:

- Watch for run-on sentences. Make sure you appropriately punctuate between independent clauses or complete thoughts. Example of a run-on in the piece:
It’s now evening the sun is setting.


- Watch for fragments. Every sentence must have a complete idea or be a complete independent clause. Unless they're used stylistically, fragments have no place in fiction. Example:
Since it was summer. It was about seven thirty.
The first sentence is actually a fragment -- it's a phrase to add on to the second one. To do that correctly, you'd connect the two sentences by comma, not by a period.

- Make sure your dialogue punctuation makes sense. People yell with exclamation points! That's an issue I noticed here:
“You did most of the helping.” Toby yelled.
He's yelling without raising his voice apparently, which is a feat I've never mastered.

Other than that, this story mostly needs elbow grease on grammar and fluidity. The execution is too rough, right now, for me to accurately critique the concept. Give it another go-over and see how much better it gets!

Keep writing!

Hey thanks for the review.

To know what's going on with Toby, you'd have read the previous chapters.

And thanks for all the tips and criticism!

User avatar
Brigadier
Review
Brigadier wrote a review Review · Mar 25, 2018

Hey there dogsrule.

This has been sitting in the Green Room for a bit and based off of how you wrote it, not that surprising. The thing is written in second person and with all the awkward self insert going on here, it's a real struggle to get through the plot. There's not even really a plot that I can easily see and just from skimming, the whole thing is composed of dialogue.

The issue isn't as much with having so much dialogue, it's that the quality isn't so great. Everything about this story is rather dull, even though there are some tries at adding description, which don't go too far with the second person limitations. Whenever you try to describe from that point of view, it's shoving thoughts onto the reader, and they can't really create an image in their mind...because the author already created it for them.

The next evening you are sitting on Izzy’s countertop in the kitchen. Izzy comes and joins you. You begin to talk about Toby and what side he is on when there is a knock at the door. There are still bandages around your foot, but you no longer need the crutches. You open the door slowly peaking your head out. Standing in the doorway is Marilyn.

Obviously I haven't read the rest of this novel and I don't really care to, so I'm going to use this as my first line judgement. This does identify the main characters in this story and gives some slight hints at whatever must be going on in this friend group. I am assuming that they are in fact friends and not mortal enemies, but if that's the truth, I'm sure that you will be telling me in your reply.
The repetition of sentence structure throughout the work gets to me and I feel like you don't need to say the countertop is Izzy's? Because like three seconds later you identify yourself as being in her kitchen? That's what the entire story struggles with, too many details about the wrong things and then slacking off in other spots.
There's one opening paragraph of simple crap before it leads into the mass of dialogue, so maybe you might want to extend a little more on this.

Not copying any of the dialogue down here because there's way too much and I can just as easily explain my points over why it needs work. Everything is the story is just a bit too simple. Usually I'm telling people to like tone down on their dialogue and don't make it any longer, but if you're going to have a whole page of dialogue, at least have something happening during it.

I lost the story right around the time Paige shows up. There's like nothing to keep the plot straight at that point and I don't even know what's going on with all of that. I think my main issue with the story is that there was never really anything for the reader to grip onto, no reason for them to continue picking through the text and want to find out everything.
I didn't read all of this story, just skimmed a bit, and from what I read, it didn't make me want to read the rest. That's a secondary part of the main issue. There's nothing to keep readers around in this chapter, so how are you going to keep their attention for the rest of the novel?

Let's just skip down to the closing line.
You notice the driver in Maya’s car is on to you. They speed up, and so do you. You continue following them, and they stop at the entrance of the woods. You stop a few yards behind them, making sure they don’t see your car. They think you had lost them. You see them get out of the car, and start walking through the woods. You stop your car, and get out. You follow them, not knowing where they are taking you.

The other part of the issue is with the sentence structure I mentioned earlier, something that's easy to fall into when trying to use 2nd person. Starting every sentence with "you", might seem necessary to keep it going, but you can definitely switch this up some, so it doesn't just keep dragging on forever. That's the feeling I get.

That's all I have dude.
If you've got questions, ask them.
If you want to complain about the harshness, go ahead.\
Bye for now.

Thanks for the review!



The most important thing is to preserve the world we live in. Unless people understand and learn about our world, habitats, and animals, they won't understand that if we don't protect those habitats, we'll eventually destroy ourselves.
— Jack Hanna